Smashing Pumpkins

I’m not sure if I’m living my life the way I should live it.



It’s damn eerie to feel this way. It is hard to leave but harder to be left out. It is hard to think but harder to realize that somehow, another bygone year will pass you by with so much to live for but nonetheless without a single reason for it.



It makes perfect sense to think that none of these make sense at all.



It is hard to wait but harder to anticipate.



And so poignancy strikes back again yet life must go on.



Let me tell you a story about “it” and the “other” it.



Both have their own little way of similarities with each other. They have the same kind of windows that open wide yet black curtains hide what is within.



Both have the same color, the same width and perhaps even height.



Both play the same kind of game, though the “other” it strikes better to my reckoning, but that is because I haven’t seen the “it” playing it yet.



The “other” it looks better in regards to other’s reckoning and somehow, I agree. But there’s something about “it” that makes me flinch back against the wall and stay just in between both of them.



They play hard but I play harder since this game isn’t just that kind of game were someone wins and the other lose. It is a survival of the fittest and the weaker ones become the prey of the ultimate survivor.



But nonetheless I have to admit that in a way or the other, I am the weakest link, though.



If I could I would just hide away and live my life in the simplest way it could be. But then again, if I did that it would be the most haunted days of my life and if I live yet another year or years that would be the same as living in hell for eternity.



There’s something about that game that kept me playing it over and over. It is one thing to play the game, another thing with whom you play it, and another thing on why you play it. Nonetheless, all the smiles are actually twined with that feeling of hollowness inside your soul begging for something that could fill in the empty spaces.



They say it is hard to live in a world so small that you can no longer move enough.


But I say it is harder to live in a huge world, so huge that eventually you’ll realize you’ve lost yourself. Worse, you’ve lost it in your own world.



Anyway, if losing myself means finding “why-owe-you”… it worth it, though…
That is to my reckoning.


By the way… I’m missing both.


Ciao!!!

The Chosen... First

It was a tiring week. So much for my hectic schedule. I go to work early but then still, I have to reserve extra energy for my dance rehearsals every after work. So I end up going home very very late but that did not change my early-waking routine every morning. But it worth it… hmmm… I believe so. Anyway, I really cannot help myself to believe that it was “_____”. I just cannot force myself to realize that finally I gave it away to someone not even in my wildest imagination I reckon I could give to… okay… I’m just overly reacting, to think that it was just actually a half … or even practically really nothing, though. But my point is that, I wanted to give it to someone as a whole but now, I don’t think I could anymore, as a matter-of-factly. Sad… but fun… hahaha!!! (Kidding!). Will someone give me a good reason why I was chosen? Because it is something I could hardly let it sink into my mind. But then again, let’s be friends, though! Ciao! 

RaiNy DaYs AnD MoNdAy

It was a rainy manic monday. The December wind started to blow and just as I thought it will get worse... unfortunately I was right. The sun did not shine this morning and the rain soak me on my way to work.





Since it was monday, as what I anticipated, the day was a little bit boring and gloomy... because interns are not around every monday. It is actually a sort of their day-off. So I looked forward to the end of the day knowing that I still have an appointment after work.





I stayed a little bit late at work... (though I am not payed for that over time) because someone has to fetch me so that we could actually work again on some other stuffs for the up coming Christmas party. But then again, the meeting was cancelled and so I have to go home tired and disappointed with all these stuffs I tried to work out with the whole day.




But then, it was somehow a "great" day because we were not toxic at the laboratory and I was pretty much in a good standing with my bosses. So I call it a DAY!

Last Dance With Courage

It has been a good year but then, I’ve got a funny feeling that the sweet beginning might just turn out to be sour… I just hope not, though.


This is my last dance with courage for this year – facing my critics.


Some say my critics are mad at me because their insecurities sprout within them that bright green color of jealousy. But I think it was my fault, though. But then again, I need to be understood.


Everything matures… eventually. Why can’t they just wait for me? Isn’t it that older people are wiser? And since they are wiser, they should understand the nature of the young ones. But then again, maybe… just maybe, the world has changed, and now, it is the young ones who try to understand the older and wiser… now who is wiser?


I know I’ve got a long way still, and you know that too, that is why I expect you to understand that I’m still in that critical stage of metamorphosis. Why can’t you wait for my transformation… everything matures… eventually.


It is their insecurities that made them fear me. They see their own reflection in me and they fear that one day I will replace their throne in the hearts of the “others”. They fear their own ghost when in the first place they created their own ghost, their own monster. Now they fear their own reflection, their own monster, their own ghost. But then again, it is me who try to secure them of who they are.


I tried to please everybody and I end up wounded. Maybe because it was my own volition to please them and in a way or another, it was not my intention to please God when in the first place, it should be my priority.


But then again, in a way or another, it is my intention to please God somehow. But maybe He got a plan which I can’t figure out yet. Maybe sometimes in our lives, we are not meant to understand the will of God and all we could actually do is trust Him knowing that He knows what lies beyond the bend of the road.


Try to please everybody and I tell you, they will not be pleased. They will just hate you for being too nice, not that they hate nice things but because they actually feel guilty because of you. Soon they will throw all those spitballs at your back or even right off bat before your eyeballs.


Sometimes people are just too hostile even when you reach out to them with a very warm shoulder.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded. Period.
But then again, do the right thing, though. Even if it means being a little bit lower than who you are supposed to be.


I’m losing this battle. I’m losing my everything. And it is a sure defeat. And the only way to win is to twist my fate. But the power is not mine.


And it is my prayer that God will twist my fate with His own fingers.


All these time I’ve been dreaming. But I realize it wasn’t a fairy tale I was dreaming about. Not a happily ever after but a reality tangible enough by my own hands. It is the reality I’m dreaming of for so long, sensible enough to my soul.


The truth amidst all the lies that bound me. Fairy tale is a lie. And I can’t live my whole life in a fairy tale world too nice to see but full of lies. I’d rather be bitten by reality if it means the truth, though.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded.


Everything matures… eventually.

This is my last dance with courage… for this year – facing my critics.

FORCED VOLITION

I stare blankly at my computer screen and all I could do is wonder how I’d ever fallen into such labyrinth of chaotic emotions drowning me to the waves of impeccable reality. I think about it over and over again trying to get in the bottom of it all. Was it part of the Lord’s plan or was it something of my own volition? I let it sink in my mind for a moment but it seems like the most ethereal feeling I’ve ever had. It started with denial to sadness to hopelessness to anger, then back again. I’m reaching for something, for anything… I’m confused and scared at the same time. Nothing seems to make sense as fate unfolds the reasons that makes perfect sense on why things happen naturally.

I stare blankly at my computer screen and all I could ever do is wonder how.

Ms. John Tucker

Well perhaps it is true that once a habit will always be a habit, that a born John Tucker will always be a John Tucker – if you know what I mean. Perhaps people will always be the same, the same old fools that could easily be fooled and will always have a piece of dirty clay within them. I could hardly imagine a better change for humans than the way I could picture a cow jumping over the moon.


I’m nothing against her… this is just the truth, though.


She is the kind of a lady every girl wished to become. No one could actually hate her except for the bitter ache that the venom of envy could do. Insecurity is the only reason to hate her. Every guy would take a second look on her once she passes by. I hope you get the picture. She is just simply perfect!


She is like nectar that attracts all the bees. But sad to say, I am NOT a bee. I know from the start even before she became a friend of mine (we are still friends, though) that her nectar is a sweet poison that could sting anyone who dares to sip. I knew it. As what I’ve said before – I can see the black out of whites, the white out of blacks and the gray in between.


Vanity of vanities, all is vanity! But what is vanity? I would definitely be one on the lead protesting about the world’s greatest lie – the meaning of vanity.


O! Beauty that a Mac can make… they call it vanity, but it isn’t. I would definitely say that those ladies who wear their make-ups everyday and dress in a very fashionable way are the truest essence of “HONESTY”. I mean “HONESTY” – because they do NOT pretend to be simple knowing that being simple is the hardest thing we could ever become. It is true, though. They know to their selves that they are imperfect and they admit that they need all those stuffs for confidence sake. It isn’t vanity but rather honesty to wear the colors of Mac. I appreciate those ladies who wear the truest essence of being humble – of letting other people know how imperfect they are without these colorful masks.


On the other hand, hypocrites, I would say, could be so deceiving. They would go out without a tinge of red patch on their faces, no trace or sketch of make-ups… whoa! How simple – right?! But ladies are masters of crafts that could bewitch men. Ladies know that simplicity could turn a man around and say – “O! She is definitely a “woman-to-marry” type of a lady.” But behind that hypocritical simplicity lies a lurking filthy flirtatious character that wants all the bees to sip into her nectar and eventually die for her stinging spell. I would say that those ladies who try to be simple are hypocrites to the bone – they are the certified flirts who know exactly all the strategies on how to throw a curve ball right between the eyes of men.


Now, who wears the mask of vanity? Who is the liar?


I pity those men who fell from the stingy curse of her charm. But more than my pity for those men, I pity her more because her attitude is a poison within her being. It is like a lurking guilt but she seems to be too numb to be convicted by her conscience.


“O! Vanity of vanities… all is vanity!”


I pray for the pride beneath the beauty so amazing to behold but too bitter to taste.

Shower Of Blessings

This year is actually jam-packed with so many events that dramatically changed my life. It is just worthy to give thanks to the Big Man. And though there were also disappointments I went through this year, I look at the road beyond the bend.


Many are those granted desires which are now long been forgotten by my frame of mind but the gratitude still lives within. So I’ll just wrap it up with my top 10 list of most memorable events this year, though there are still so much more than I could actually think and remember.


10.) The new life in our family – my cuddly baby nephew was born last June and it just turns me on of being called “aunt” since it sounds like “old”, I mean being “old” cause it just turns me on to think of being old since I was always the baby since I knew I exists. But I’m still a baby brat until now, though! =)


9.) Good friends, old friends, long lost friends, and new friends – I’ve gained a lot of new friends this year and I’m thankful for that. But greater is my gratitude for my good old friends and those long lost friends I’ve lost my contacts with but eventually fate brought them back. I’m glad they stayed and I know they will forever be.


8.) The local publication – it was actually a half-dream come true because after my thorough struggle with my lack of confidence regarding my articles and compositions, I was able to take one bold step and finally was able to gain enough courage to pass it to our local publication and was able to get published. Thanks for the space provided for my stuffs.


7.) The yearbook – I took for granted my review sessions before just to rush the legacy of our batch – our yearbook. Though everybody seemed to be against us (me and my co-editors) and they were giving us a hard time processing the edition, we made it through the deadline, though. What can I say… we are a bunch of good, creative and talented editors (hahaha!!!). I’m glad we broke the record of being the fastest working committee our school has ever had. And the outcome was undeniably amazing to behold.


6.) On the spotlight – I was able to stand and talk in front of a crowd looking strangely before me. Though stage-fright is NOT really a part of my system (hahaha!!!) since I was a former member of Theatre Guild and “stage-confidence” is actually a sort of my "talent” – hahaha!!! It is still a wonderful feeling to have another chance to be on the spotlight once again after a long break.


5.) Revalida – I passed our revalida “out-rightly”. Nicanorian-Tamaraws know what I mean.


4.) Graduation – finally, I am an alumna of FEU-NRMF Institute of Medicine.


3.) Registered Medical Technologist – I passed the Medical Technology board examinations with only a little effort from me and mostly by the faithfulness, power, love and grace of God – To Him be the glory!


2.) Job well done! – I was able to find a “somehow” good job even before our oath taking. I’m hoping and praying for my “regularity”, though.


1.) I’m thankful for the most incredible journey anyone could ever wish or dreamth of – my life. I’m thankful for the chance to witness the beauty of the day and the stillness of the night. The morning sunrise that is so breath-taking and the evening sunset that is so amazing to behold. The serenity of the moon while the stars dance at night and the music of the pouring rain that goes well with the cold crisp breeze of the wind sweetly caressing the skin.

I’m thankful I’m in good vibe with God.
I’m thankful because I have a wonderful loving God.

Yes, though my need is great, my gratitude is greater.


Belated Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Dare To Be Daniel

I’m feeling awful this time because someone else’s life was ruined because of my terrible visions. Though it wasn’t exactly my fault for the mere fact that I did not do anything bad towards that man, I still feel a bit guilty for having such terrible visions for almost quite sometime, and later did I’ve come to know that his father was confined in the hospital… and that was exactly what I visualized even before it actually happened.


I’m feeling guilty, though, for the mere fact that it was my own volition to actually create that vision in my frame of mind not anticipating that it will actually come true. My visions of his father and the like was so vivid and I feel so guilty for even letting my mind fed me up with such animated castles in the air that eventually turned into vivid reality. I feel guilty for even letting that sink into my mind in the first place.


No! – I’m not saying that I have some kind of supernatural powers or third or fourth eye or something similar with the like. It is just that most of the time I dream or visualize something or even people stranger to me, and later will I come to encounter them and learn that what I’ve seen in my mind actually happened. It is eerie, though.


Of course it frightens me sometimes. It is uncanny not to. But as what Spiderman said – “This is my gift and the same is my curse”.


I pray everything will be alright, though.


Have a blessed week ahead!

Ciao!!!

The Great Vanity

Maybe it really is just too good to be true.
Maybe it is just a mere state of blinding hue.
I'm done with all those euphoric illusions.
Darn emotions waving poignant visions.
I'm done with all those castles in the air.
Bitter potion blend with perfume fair.
Ice cream cones made of cold tasteless ice.
Freezing death is the prize.
O! life... what would death be if thou without?
Vanity maybe it is all about.

The Quest Of A Fallen Angel

I was once in heaven and then I’ve been to hell.
This is my quest.
This is my story.



I was with God the moment I knew I exist. I was with God in heaven even before the universe was born. I witnessed how God created the earth. How He breathed life to Adam and Eve. I witnessed everything.
I’m an angel.


Once upon a time in the kingdom of heaven, Lucifer created his own doctrine. And I must admit I was convinced by his statutes. So we rebelled against God. I was with Lucifer when God threw us in hell beneath earth. I am one of those fallen angels. You see, angels fly NOT because we have wings but because we do not have burdens in our hearts. But since we rebelled against God, we still have our wings but we were not able to fly when He threw us in hell. But since Lucifer was fairer than any of us, he managed to hang around on earth to seduce the mankind (if you know the story of the serpent, the apple and Eve in the Garden of Eden.). That is already a history but people keep on repeating that same tragic story in their own versions in life.


If you’re wondering what hell looks like, well, it’s not yet hot since the returning of Jesus is not yet at hand. And so, the hell is still in good condition… it is not yet dark in there either. It a normal place only exaggerated with all those sinful vices. Name it, the hell has it! – gambles, addictions, fornications, indulgence, and all those sinful habits that are far more than your imagination could reach. Honestly, it SUCKS!


I don’t understand why people think that sin is sweet. IT ISN”T! It is the biggest lie in the world!

It was my biggest mistake the moment I believed Lucifer and turned my back to my loving Father.


So in one corner of hell, I knelt down and prayed to God and asked for forgiveness. It took only a little while when I saw a ladder leading up. I stood up and I stepped forward. One step and then another as I trudge that stairway to heaven.


On my way upward to heaven, I did not realize how long I’ve been climbing on that ladder, not until I met Jesus half way and He said – “I am going to earth to save the mankind.”
I finally realized that I was climbing that ladder for almost thousands of years because at that moment I knew, Jesus will be born in flesh through Mary and will grow up to save the nation. The Messiah He is!


I continued my quest. It was hard. My feet were sore and my body seemed to be rotten with my own decaying flesh. My wings looked like a worn-out kite and the right one was broken. The physical pain grew more each weary step I take and my soul grieves more each time the pain attacks my being. It is a soulful pain.


Finally I heard a blaring sound of trumpets. Then I saw Jesus at my side. It was His ascension to heaven after the 40th day of His resurrection. He embraced me and suddenly my rotting flesh became smooth and clear. My wings regained its strength and the broken one got better. And then I finally, once again, experienced how it was to fly again. I reached heaven with Jesus at my side. God welcomed me with a tight hug and said – “I’m proud of you.”
Though I really don’t deserve such, since I was once a rebel.


I missed heaven. That’s all I know the moment I was back in God’s cradle. And it was such a wonderful feeling.

Days and long days and until now passed but I never missed hell. I don’t think I will ever will.


One day, I talked to God asking Him if I could share my story to the people on earth so that in a way or another, it will be a living testimony of God’s forgiveness and Christ’s salvation.
God said – “Watch out for someone who could write your story for you there on earth. And once you found the right person, visit him/her in his/her dreams. Tell your story and let it be written in man’s hand”


I smiled and God smiled back.


That night I was looking at the viewing-glass and there I saw billions of people on earth. Busy with their lives, indulging into sins and weary about their situations.
But on one corner of the earth, on the southern latitude of the planet, a girl knelt down and prayed not for anything but to give thanks for everything. I smiled and finally I knew I’ve found the one.


That night, I visited her in her dreams and told her my story. As she promised to write it for me to glorify God on earth here in heaven.




So it is written.

This is the quest of a fallen angel and how he let go of his only possession – his pride, just to be with God again. And as he opened his hand to finally drop that only possession he had, it was replaced with the abundance of God’s grace and love.

This is his quest.

This is his story.

ThE HaCkEr

There was this hacker who hacks another hacker not knowing that another hacker also hacks this hacker.

Now, who is the real hacker?

___________________________________________
___________________________________________
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"Cry... The moment that I saw you cry!..."
Duh! That song gives me all the reasons in the world to believe into something that really doesn't exists

What a heck! Life is fun at this moment but something is missing.

What's the use of everything when it means nothing?

Heck!

Heck! Heck! Heck!

I'm happy but I'm angry... to no one.
Reality bites... and stings!

First Day Work

Yesterday was my first day at work and all I can say is that... it was seriously funny.

After all those bloopers I've been through yesterday, now I'm laughing at myself.

My work at the hospital is not that hard as of now, since the peak season of dengue is just over. So toxicity is not a matter of damnation as for the moment.

But my work gives me the reason to look forward for the weekends so that I could sleep a little longer. Duh! I don't remember dreaming these last few nights since I barely had a looooonnngggg sleep.

But sure I will enjoy sleeping when weekend comes. I always believe that sleeping is disgusting if you're not tired the way the food sucks when you're so so full.

So I appreciate the art of being jaded.

Ciao!!! =)

Where Will Johnny Go?

I ran out of books to read now and since every penny counts to me these days, I never dared to buy new books for my leisure. So out of unbearable boredom, I picked up that old book from our shelf. It was actually my bro’s and I have read it once a long time ago, I was still a freshman in college. I could hardly remember its story; I thought it is because I was not able to relate myself to it the first time I read it or maybe because it really doesn’t have a story after all. But it is such a wonderful novel. Don’t ask me why I call it wonderful when I told you it doesn’t even had a story. I tell you, I could appreciate even the dumbest matter (in other’s view) ever existed.


It is a tragic novel as far as I could comment. It lingers on the poignant nostalgia that eventually ends up competing with oblivion. O! – If oblivion is the medication for poignant nostalgia, then I say, it isn’t a medicine but a pill that will indulge your sense to a brief euphoria of fictions. But then, denying a fact could never change a fact.


Sometimes, books make me believe that truth is beyond what eyes can see and that you have to close your eyes because, there lies, in the blinding darkness, the sincerest truth. Believe me, I have read books from thrillers to tragedies, from fictions to inspiring novels, from Dan Brown to Nicholas Sparks, from Paulo Coelho to Og Mandino, but nothing is more real than those stories we make for ourselves – our life.


They thought me that sincerity, love, and kindness can be so true. But contradictions spell it the other way in such a manner that it could only be too good to be true.


They thought me of life’s purpose. And so it made me think that maybe, God ran out of purposes to give the hour I was born. So He came up with my fate that is so unique, that it would not touch other people’s lives but letting them touch mine, thus, I’m giving them their purpose in life – isn’t that a marvelous idea? That God made up something out of nothing? That at the end of conclusion where nothing is beyond, God made an extension? And that extension is me. If I were not born, then people will have no one to share their purposes in life with. Whom they will share it anyway when they are all too arrogant of what they have and of their purposes? So I’m here to give them their purpose – though dependency is a poison beneath one’s soul. It is like that “Games of the General” where the most powerful ones (the spies) could only be killed by the lowest in the ranks – the privates.


They thought me that a man will always be a man and his desires are his own enemies. I would definitely salute Nicholas Sparks with his novel “A Walk To Remember”; I love it so well that I have read it a dozen times already. But what good is a Landon Carter in a fiction? Truly, a born John Tucker will always be a John Tucker. The “Tree” by F. Sionil Jose’ – a Filipino writer made it clear to see.


Bitter of reality. But is there any other reality aside from reality itself?


Tangled with all those yonder dreams long been forgotten like those childhood memories long been gone beyond the grave. But in the great universe, patches of nebula everywhere would dazzle in our sights and with a sigh of unknown poignant euphoria, we are again surrounded by the darkness of the universe. But, is the universe really dark? I doubt it now, thinking of those billions of stars greater that the “sol invictus”, I bet, it is brighter than the May days. But does it matter? Universe conspired within the clips of everyone’s lives and those ironies will soon appear only as shadows of eternity. Eternity. Where will I go from here?

Atomic Affinity Configuration

A single Proton becomes attracted to a single Electron, but the Electron suddenly changed its configuration. And so, whatever the affinity that was once excited the Proton has changed its magnetic field. So the Proton suddenly repel since the Electron has a negative charge towards the Proton. And though the Proton remained to be positively charged, repulsion governs the entire matter. So both the Proton and the Electron became Neutrons. And since they are now Neutrons, they wander around without affinity.




But the theory of affinity states that when a Proton or an Electron becomes a neutron, they are just in a state called "Inertia". And since they are bounded with inertia, a kinetic energy is needed to bring back these transfigured neutrons to their original charges. And when kinetic energy is applied, affinity excites again those atoms to unite and finally form a molecule. But until then, inertia will remain to be the law that governs the entire SPDF/Atomic Configuration.





This is a theory of a chemist who wanted to add the prefix "Al" to her profession.




A theory is a conclusion of one's story. -Author-

The Credenda

It took me 10 years to finally have this book and finally, unfold the mystery behind the name I have been secretly hiding within my soul. The name I never thought really exists. The name I thought I’m the only person who knew it. The name I thought… was mine. But even before time had settled on earth, it already exists. And it will always exist within me. And just like the chronicles of the Bible, forever it will be one story… it is a history. The story of that lone star that shone one cold and silent night at Bethlehem when Christ was born.

My story is his story.


I was 8 years old then when my parents decided to move from the city to the province. It wasn’t really easy for me for I was accustomed to live in a city life and the metropolis was my way of living as a kid.
Soon I found myself inside the campus of an exclusive-school for girls. A school known to that sub-urban town of that small province for its classy – elite social type of students attending there.
For a couple of months, I was alone most of the time since I was from the city and I was not accustomed to the way they spend their recess during school hours. Until…
Until I met this girl. She was tall (far taller than me), dark but nice. She knew me only as the “girl –from – the – city”, but she was oblivious of who I really am. Not until she talked to me.
Our conversation started with our hobbies. Surprisingly, we both love to write. Then our petty conversation went on to something personal then magical.
She told me that she could actually converse with her angel and that her angel’s name was Daniella. She also told me that her angel and my angel are best of friends. So I asked her the name of my angel and she told me… “ACABAR”.

I grew up talking to heaven most of the time though; I do not really consider myself as religious. Every night I used to stay in our open porch and stare up in the sky and talk to my star. Yes, I have my own star. I claimed it one night when I finally realized that everywhere I go, from north to south, in the city or one – horse – town, I always see that same “butterfly – like” stars that seemed to be always there wherever I go. I claimed it as my guiding star long before I come to know the name Acabar. But soon after I’ve known the name, I named it after it.

Seven years later…

I was already in college then, and one cozy afternoon, I was killing my time inside the nearby bookstore from our suite. I was just wandering my eyes on the shelves filled with books when suddenly, something caught my sight. On one corner of the shelves, there was a book that bears the name of my angel… my star… Acabar.
I wanted to buy it right then but I was penny-less. So I went home frustrated.
Since that day, that book haunted me all these years. But not until last week, I again encountered that same book I have encountered 3 years ago. But this time, I bought it.
And so the mystery was unfold in front of my eyes as I turn the first leaf up to the last.

Acabar, my angel, my star was the same star that shone one cold, silent and holy night, 2000 years ago in the small town called Bethlehem, guiding the 3 magi to their new born king.

It took me 10 years to finally have this book and finally, unfold the mystery behind the name I have been secretly hiding within my soul. The name I never thought really exists. The name I thought I’m the only person who knew it. The name I thought… was mine. But even before time had settled on earth, it already existed. And it will always exist within me. And just like the chronicles of the Bible, forever it will be one story… it is a history. The story of that lone star that shone one cold and silent night at Bethlehem when Christ was born.

My story is his story.

Bitter Euphoria

It is the oddest feeling. You know that feeling of euphoria and forlorn at the same time. I feel like my mind is losing its gravity inside my head and its floating. It is unfathomable like the most unbelievable thing just happened in front of your eyes, like witnessing a cow jumping over the moon or like a tree bearing forth golden fruits of unknown specie. I am overwhelmed, I have to admit that, but my mind is not really ready for accepting such reality, but I really don't have a choice after all, maybe... or it really is destined. Lord's plan... like, just the other day I was so damn depress about it and could hardly even think of what really was going on with my life, then suddenly "Phow!" I'm ... I really don't know. My mind is rushing those words but I could hardly express it like a gutter unable to hold all the drops of rain from heaven... bountiful. I'm totally out of whack, my emotion is like in a state of hidden pandemonium.

O! Lord, I'm really not sure about this whole thing going on in my life but all I now and I believed in is that, You are there guiding me all the way. Help me to decide right and finally make it through Your will and by Your grace. Give me wisdom and strenght to overcome things wisely. Let my desire to follow Your "will" glorify You here on earth there in heaven. Let my desire to please You really please You. And though I may not exactly doing Your will, may my desire to obey You be the light that will guide me through these road of confusions and finally to truly obey You. Let all thing be place at the right place and at the right time knowing that You alone could make all things right though everything seems hopeless. Let all things be done by Your will and by Your grace. Not my will Lord, but Yours. In Jesus name, grant it all and please go beyond what I truly deserve for one and only reason... Your LOVE for me. Amen.

What Happens After A Stop

There was a time in my life when my world was sweeter though dreams were far yonder. I was full of hopes, full of dreams though I’m awake. My being awake gave me the chance to finally live those dreams into reality.


Though that world was sweeter, it was blurred. But soon I realized that that sweet blurred world became clear like a dirty glass that was once covered with dusts but suddenly cleansed and all you can do is to wonder how beautiful the tangible vivid glass to behold.


It is nice to behold the reality, the realization of one’s personal legend. But it is such a mocking reality to suddenly realize that as soon as you beheld that tangible vivid glass, the world stopped.


All my life I did not know I was a lame, that that hope kept me alive all those years and now I needed a crutch because I’m crippled without it. I’m dependent. I depend on it. It is actually the feeling of being a child not able to walk alone and so a pair of hands held yours and with that, you were able to walk. So you feel proud that you could actually walk not realizing you were actually depending your steps to those hands. So those hands suddenly let go of your hands. You were left there standing, not moving, not because you cannot walk but because you are actually scared of taking another step without those hands. All these times, I am crippled and I needed a crutch. Dependence made me feel secured but incapable.


I don’t know exactly where to go though the road I’m trudging is so clear. Sometimes, when the road is clear, you are more scared to take a step forward because you could vividly see the dangers ahead.


O! Lord, I don’t know exactly what Your plan is. I’m trying to listen to Your message, to Your will for me, but I’m afraid I’m actually listening too hard that I could hear almost everything including those noises that surround me, hence, I could hardly distinguish Your voice. I am much afraid that too much struggle to hear made me deaf already. I’m afraid that the silence is far more deafening than the noise itself. I am sorry for being so weak. But You are my strength, my shield, my hope. Lead me and You know I will follow. Never let go of me though I’m asking for my riddance. You want what is best, You know what is best, You will do what is best for me. Grant O! Lord my needs and satisfy my desires. Indeed, many are my burdens but greater is my gratitude for Your love bestowed on me. It is more than enough to sustain and to lavishly grant those things I’m asking in prayer. You know me more than I know myself, more than I know my own prayers. I know You have plans for me, for my good and more than that, the best. I hold on to Your will to glorify You here on earth there in heaven. Thank you. In Jesus name. Amen.

A Book To Remember

Perhaps, only a few people and only those people who are close to me notice that I actually have this weird habit of borrowing books from my friends; and after finishing a book (and returning it, of course), if I liked it, that’s the only time I’ll be rushing at the nearest bookstore to grab my own copy. Maybe you’re wondering why I have to borrow first – it is because I don’t want to waste my bucks for a book that will just get rotten in my shelf. And maybe, again, you’re wondering why I still have to buy it when I have read it already – it is because I believe in the cliché that “you should always look again at your window because you’ll always find something new. You missed it once, you will miss it again.”


I’ve just finished reading this book by Nicholas Sparks – “A Walk To Remember” for the nth time around (I figured out, I’ve actually read it for almost a dozen times already). And it is ridiculous, but I have to admit that I still sob in tears like (as if) I’m still oblivious with the whole story – yeah, I’m the most pathetic person ever walked on earth.


I don’t know why I love this story so much. Perhaps it is because of the fact that I could actually relate myself to the character of Jamie Sullivan. I mean, like her, I also have this habit of bringing along with me my bible anywhere, and I mean – everywhere, even just going to the nearby grocery store or at the mall. I cannot recall how did I actually get that habit, but as far as I can remember, I’ve been doing it since I was in my 6th grade. And of course, I was still oblivious about Jamie Sullivan then, and the matter of fact that Nicholas Sparks haven’t started writing the novel yet, either. Another thing, Jamie was actually a cheerful person in public but privately burst her tears alone. Just like her, I’m also the same. Sometimes, I would spend hours inside the comfort room like I’ve been peeing for almost a couple of hours, but then, I’m actually crying. And of course, that association of those damsels – NBSB (if you know what that means), well, not until Landon came in to her life of course, she was a member then, but I’m still until now. But I don’t want to talk about that any further.


But I’m not really exactly a Jamie copycat, though. I’ve got loads of friends unlike her. And I’m not a minister’s daughter… my father is an accountant business man, by the way.


But I guess, the truth why I love the story is because it is a tragedy. I love tragedies. I love them because they are the closest to reality. Sure tragedies are also fictions like those fairytales with "ever afters". But fairytales leave you with elusive disillusionments and hallucinations far, so far from reality. But tragedies, though, are fictions, they are almost real. I mean real in the sense of emotion and perspectives in life – closest to reality, that’s it.


Actually, the book is different from the movie, though I love both – but I’m not a fan of Mandy, though.

Except for some main highlights of the story like the play, and the leukemia, the flow of the two stories (the book and the movie) is so far different from each other. But nonetheless, they are both tragic stories, and I can’t help myself but shed so much tears over and over again. But I love it, though.


Tragedies – are the closest to reality.

Definitely a story to remember.

i HaD a GrEaT dAy

My friends think I’m the weirdest among the weirds living in this planet. I can’t blame them, though. Because maybe, they think right. Who in the world would still feel, think, and say that he/she had a great day, and really mean it from the bottom of his/her heart, soul, and bone marrow (include that!) in spite the fact that:

* First thing in the morning, you and your peers got your first blooper from the very first place you arrived in. And so, it (the bloopers) went countless.
* People seem to be so busy that they (could still) ignore you in spite of your annoying presence.
* You lost your way back to where you are supposed to go.
* So you have to walk a mile – (seriously!) in a hot midday sun – (like Mojave desert sun – really!), and still confused if you were really on the right track.
* People seemed to be overly… more than perfectionist – if you know what I mean, then that’s it.

But still call it – a great day.

Well, yes – I am that person who could still call a sh*t day “great” and yes, I mean it from the bottom of my heart, soul and my bone marrow.

I do really had a great day amidst the ironies listed above.
Though life is hard, it is bearable.
I would definitely freak out more if it is a perfect day because I believe that if it is, then maybe God would not bother for tomorrow.
So I’m thankful for a day not perfect but rather best in its own way. At least God still cares to give tomorrow – ayt?!

Things I’m thankful for today:
* The bearable day.
* The nice sunset – it is awesome to see the sun forcing its rays to break through the clouds though its time to give way for the moon and the stars. Indeed, it is a masterpiece.
* The cozy weather – though we are soaked with our own sweats, at least, not from the rain. =)
* I’m blogging, though.
* And all the invisible, intangible, innumerable blessings from heaven. There is a master plan. It is written.



P.S. I know I’m happy though I know there’s still something great missing in my life. Though my days are full, I’m not fulfilled, but I’m satisfied, though not really contented, I’m happy.

I Cloned Jesus

I saw Peter, James, and John in the garden of Gethsemane. They were sleeping. No one knows I’m here with them (not even them) for sure because the Bible did not record my presence in here. No one knows except Jesus.

But I heard him say – “Abba, Father, all things are possible unto Thee, take away this cup from me, nevertheless, not what I will, but what Thou wilt.”

“The man of sorrows.” I silently exclaimed to myself. I wandered my eyes around to see the beauty of the garden; they said it was a garden. But I saw nothing but agony… yes, the agony in the garden of Gethsemane.

Jesus went back to His disciples and said – “watch ye and pray lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly…” I whispered silently that same phrase from the Bible to myself, the words of the Great Rabbi – “… the spirit truly is willing but the flesh is weak.”

Jesus knew I was hiding behind the bush at one corner of the garden. So He came unto me and said – “I have a task for you.”

And so He led me into His place of agony, and while yet He was weeping, He gave me a teardrop of His cry and said – “make me clones.” So I hurriedly placed the teardrop in a vial inside my pocket not wanting that precious tear be dry, though I wonder how in a world did I really got a vial in my pocket. He held my hand and said – “Your task is greater than the Elixir of Life and the Philosopher’s Stone, now go thy way.”

The Great Rabbi entrusted me a task greater than the alchemist’s magnum opus. So I sat by a hump of soil, thinking about the clones I’m supposed to make.

So I journeyed through time until the time of technology.

I went inside my laboratory where I’m working. “The clones I’m about to witness soon” – I reckon. It’s been years of hard work and thorough studies, and now, the moment to unleash those living clones inside my Tech-Utero. It took me 9 years to build this Tech-Utero and much more years to clone those DNAs from Jesus’ teardrop.

So I held the lid of the door of my Tech-Utero and finally, with that creaking noise, the door opened wide and there I saw my master piece. Millions of the clones came out one by one but no one looked like Jesus.

A sudden burst of disappointment drowned the entire empire of my emotion. And so, I run as fast as I can up to the roof top of my laboratory. Up there I cried unto the Lord and said – “Thy tear became flesh but not You.” Then I heard a voice from heaven, God said – “Thy labor not in vain for those clones you made out of my tear are those people whom in their hearts I dwell in. Send them everywhere and let them proclaim, through deeds, what and who I AM.”

The great voice vanished and I was sober. Suddenly…

Suddenly, a blinding light flashed in my eyes. Then I realized my eyes were actually close all those times. The light is scourging my eyes. The light is blinding me. The light is actually the sun shining from my bedroom window. It is already morning.

The Next Big Thing/s

Solomon's Key
After Da Vinci...

Since Angels & Demons and Da Vinci Code are far more popular than the other two novels (Digital Fortress and Deception Point) of Dan Brown, fans would definitely watch out for the third sequel of his first two books I just mentioned (i.e. Angels & Demons and Da Vinci Code), which stars Robert Langdon.

Dan Brown's next after Da Vinci's, comes another invigorating novel about free masons circulating inside the political circuits. Solomon's Key is another story that would definitely stab critics around the globe again. Solomon's Key has no release date yet... but sure everyone is looking forward to it.

So bookworms... get your hook and grab one when it is out in the market.

Twilight

Twilight Waltz
Waltz is the carrier single of Hale's new sophomore album Twilight. The song had its premiere @ K-Lite 103.5 last September 5. Hale is known for their slow-alternative, smooth and easy kind of rock with a tinge of ballad. Since their first single "The Day You Said Goodnight" was released sometime last year, I just knew by then that I'm going to love their music. Though I do not really listen to OPMs before, since the birth of Hale, I started to. Anyway, the song waltz is about hating to love the person you love but you want to hate. If you listen to the song, the word waltz is not actually mentioned in the lyrics. According to Champ (Hale's lead vocal) the song is called Waltz because a waltz has 3 beats and you have to have 3 steps in order to go with the beat, and so, he said - "waltz is awkward and the song, just like waltz, is also awkward." Well, I have to agree with him. The song is actually a mix of love with obsession and hatred with angst... isn't that awkward? I mean, to feel those emotions all at the same time... its sick! Its damn embarassing to your own self. Yes, I feel it.

Anyway, their album "Twilight" will be out on September 30 this year. So have it while its hot.

So much to say but I better end this post with my two thumbs up for Hale. CHAO!!!

The Bourne Identity

Today is a history. Finally, a suffix was added unto my name. My day today started in such a way that was actually extra special yet still ordinary… confusing?... well, um, for the past three nights, I was damn preoccupied and so, I never had a good sleep, not until last night (if you call that a good one either), though, the pressure still governs my entire being. The reason for my preoccupation was the soon release of the results of the board exams I took last weekend. Honestly, I doubt if I actually played good on that examination since, I’m dealing with the entire Medical Technology population of this country. And just by reading the questions during that time, I knew, I was in the arena of dens of lions and I’m actually half-way between hope and despair. But God is indeed faithful in spite of my frail faith and short comings.

I was awaken by the vibration of my cellular phone beneath my pillow this morning and I saw that it was only 4:01 am. Yup! Someone tried to call me at the wee hours of the morning – but I didn’t bother. I saw my inbox with almost a dozen of messages and so, I now exactly what was going on at that very moment. I prayed first before actually pressing the unlock button of my cell phone since it was really the right thing for me to do so. Tense but hopeful, I checked out the first message.

And so the rest is history.

The good news made me feel ecstatic but not necessarily in the state of pandemonium since, it was still dark and everybody was still fast asleep and it was definitely not logically and sanely act to shout on top of my voice and say– “I’m the king of the world!”. They will absolutely kill me if I did that, and it is not a good thing to die at the very moment you just knew you passed the board exams – right? So I have to be euphoric in a way that was not actually hysteric.

And so hours passed by unknowingly, and it seems like the only thing I did since I woke up was actually read and reply those millions – (I’m not exaggerating) of messages entering my phone almost every second. (So I would like to thank GLOBE UNLIMITXT for sponsoring my texts) haha!!!

So finally, now, I come to this point of realizing the things happening in front of my eyes. Back five months ago (that was just last April), I can still recall those undeniably motivating words from our batch president. He said – “If it is your destiny, let it be.” For the whole span of my preparation for the board exams, those words reiterate almost always in the circulation of my meninges like that worn-out pirated disc that kept on playing the same part of a whole song. But it was not really something bad, since, it moved my determination to actually fulfill the destiny I have to fulfill.

I maybe calm but deep inside me, the feeling of euphoria is so intense like that roaring waves when the high tide begins.

A mentor from my alma mater once told me that the greatest honor in life is the privilege to bring back the glory to whom it is supposed to.

Right now I have that honor.

I am Thy living testimony.

As the word - liveth.

As the promise - kept.

As the destiny – fulfilled.

Le gra’ go Deo!!!

Faith And Faithfulness

Right now I am the living testimony of Thy faithfulness.
Thy prophecy, Thy promise and Thy word faileth NOT.
Thy planned destiny for me is fulfilled.
To God Be The Glory!!!

Wolves Of Emotions

I feel like I wanted to explode. No one could actually comprehend this feeling that governs the entire empire of my emotions. It is as if fury, frustration, and pressure was mixed in a flask and I drank the entire potion. And now I wanted to vomit it all.

There is this story that is actually annoying me right now. The story goes like this: There was an old teacher who wanted his apprentice to learn about the different emotions in life. He told his apprentice "My son am old but the fight is not yet over. There is a terrible fight going on inside me - a fight between two wolves. One is evil, it represents hate, anger, and jealousy. The other is good, it represents love, forgiveness, and compassion. This same fight inside me is also inside every other person, including you." The apprentice, in his enthausiasm, asked - "Which wolf will then win?"

The old teacher replied - " The one you feed."

I'm afraid I'm actually feeding the evil wolf inside me at this time of my life, since everything seemed to be a labyrinth of gloom, angst, and fury.

For Christ's sake! I'm fed up with all these emotions.

Fear is the one thing that I have tried to deny for so long... and still, until now.

Negative thoughts... away from me!

"Remember the word unto thy servant upon which thou hast caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction for thy word hath quickened me." Psalm 119:49-50 (KJV)

On The Line

Amidst the angst and the feeling of betrayal, there was someone out there in our congregation who lifted up my lowly and gloomy soul. I would like to thank HER for such comforting words, indeed, it made me feel better. It made me smile in spite the overwhelming pressure. Thank you for sharing to me a simple line that made a dramatic impact. I wish I could meet a lot more of inspiring REAL people out there in our congregation.


The inert angst within is raging its fury… I have to testify THY faithfulness. I have to live THY prophecy. I have to fulfill THY planned destiny.


For the whole span of my review in preparation for my up coming board exams, this has been my prayer and my sort of memory verse: “Blessed be the name of God forever and ever for wisdom and might are His. And He changeth the times and the seasons. He removeth kings and setteth up kings. He giveth wisdom unto the wise and knowledge to them that know understanding. He revealeth the deep and secret things. He knoweth what is in the darkness and the light dwelleth in Him. I thank Thee and praise Thee O Thou God of my fathers who hast given me wisdom and might and has made known unto me now what we ( I ) desired of Thee for Thou hast made known unto us (me) the king (examination’s) matter.” Daniel 2:20-23 (KJV)

Bestseller

I love reading books because aside from the entertainment I get, I also feel that my soul grows each time I read and finish a book.

I have read so many books, bestsellers, and even those lowly books that are long been waiting for someone to pick them up and read.

But I just wonder why the Holy Bible was never been a bestseller when in fact, almost all (but NOT all) Christians have their own Bible.

This book has been translated into almost all the different languages of the different parts of the world.

Yet, it was never a bestseller.

Beauty In The Beast

I live in two different worlds. Both have their own rules and standards. I call the first world “Great Cognion” (that is actually an anagram to protect the identity of people living there), and the second, “The World of Nude Man” (again, another anagram for identity protection). I love both.

The Great Cognion is a great world. I love “its” world for it nourishes me the way the sun nourishes the desert, and the rain nourishes the ocean. But the inhabitants of Great Cognion are not as great as the world itself. They are actually saints… holies to the bones, and their holiness became their pride. And since they are proud holies, they despise me, they judge me as the unforgivable sinner – (though I admit that I am a sinner – we all are sinners!). They hate the color of my hair, the way I dress, the way I am. They are hurting me with their false accusations, wrench and lies. They are judging me wrong. But ins spite of the mockery, I continue living there because the great Rabbi told me that it is NOT the people but the “world” of Great Cognion that matters. They despise people whom they only knew by name and by face but NOT by heart and soul. The great Rabbi is right, they DO NOT know the real me, after all.

The world of Nude Man is bigger and the people of Great Cognion describe the inhabitants of Nude Man as filthy. But I knew better than these Great Cognion people. Inhabitants of Nude Man are filthy but real, sinners but humble, ugly but true. They judge NOT for they DO NOT know how to judge. They just simply accept each other as they are. They AREN’T like the Pharisees, they are NOT hypocrites… they are who they are… they are real. These filthy people, unlike the saints in the first world, accept me as I am. Though sometimes, they think that I’m a divine being, still they do not treat me different. I usually tell them that I am NOT a divine being and that, I am as filthy as everybody, but they do not believe me. But even though they are not convinced, they still love and accept me as I am.

Two worlds, two race. One is the beauty, the other is the beast. One is lovely, the other is full of flaws. One is perfect, the other is a chaos. One damns, the other is damned.

But the absence of flaw in beauty is in itself a flaw.
And, if you look through the soul, you will find the beauty of a beast.

'Tis Finished!

'Tis finished!... It is done!
The battle is over.
It is like a finished movie just waiting for its date to be shown in the theatres.
It is written... Maktub.
It is written by the same hands that painted the sky with majestic sunset and breathtaking horizons of land. The same hands that calmeth the sea and counteth the dusts.
I wonder why people could just pass by the day without noticing the grand scenes of magnum opus. Because as for myself, I NEVER miss it. And it is such a wonder why I never get tired of appreciating it, though.




The testimony liveth.
The prophecy is true.
The destiny is fulfilled.
'Tis finished.
It is done.
It is written by the same hands... Maktub.

Javascript

We went to Baclaran today. I did not enjoy. Worse, I have acquired a mild sore throat... heck!

But we had a nice lunch awhile ago courtesy of my dad and that made this day bearable. Food has always been my all time therapy... haha! I'm a self-confessed glutton and my frustration is to gain weight.

If you're wondering about my title... well, its not really the Javascript perse. Um... I mean, the one being programmed on computers... duh! I'm NOT a software engineer. Javascript because right now I'm actually thinking of having my mocha java later, though I'm really not into it because the taste is disgusting like a sting that can scar your tastebuds forever, seriously. Its like your damn wasabe, or your cold sushi, or that chinese foods that suck, or those green veggies mixed with mayo... duh! I'd rather starve!

And at the same time, I'm thinking of a nice plot for my new script.

Put them together... JAVASCRIPT.

The Fate Of Destiny

How can two people walk together if one has cold shoulders and the other has cold feet?

Though destiny tried so hard to connect the chains of their lives, nothing was worthy.

Whatever kind of affinity existed in the atmosphere, was damn useless.

It was destiny's frustration.

So, it seems like destiny has its own cruel fate (too).

So destiny gave up.

It has to.

As two seperate lives live their own lives, seeking a place called home in a world full of strangers.

As the one remained to have cold shoulders and the other with cold feet. =(

Eureka!

Lab Dx.
After a thorough research and study, I’ve finally arrived to this lab. Diagnostic vital of a certain strain of heterogeneous toxin. This toxin had long been existing ubiquitously and its mortality rate surpassed even the most pandemic disease the world has ever had and it is believed to be (still) the most fatal (and will always be).

This toxin is called T-L (i.e. Toxin-Lab). It is composed of intangible pseudo-chemical biologically active enzyme-like molecule capable of penetrating the cardiac muscles of its host. Once infected with this toxin, the patient will eventually suffer from myocardial infarction secondary to tachycardia prior to hyperventilation (i.e. heart problem secondary to palpitation prior to severe nervousness). A seldom yet more severe problem might rise prior to myocardial infarction, that is anaphylactic shock (i.e. lost of consciousness/syncope) but NOT due to IgA deficiency but because of the fact that the human body cannot produce immunoglobulins against this toxin. Some people believe that in such case of anaphylactic shock, MMR (i.e. touching one’s mouth with another mouth) is a good therapy, but I DISAGREE. I discourage such hoax because the fact that the incumbent anaphylactic shock is secondary to hyperventilation, MMR therapy would only increase the risk of the patient to develop metabolic alkalosis (i.e. systemic disorder) in which the patient tend to inherent different signs and symptoms such as Tularemia (that is NOT acquired from the P. tularensis bacteria), mild schizophrenia, hyperthyroidism (but with NORMAL LEVELS of thyroid hormones), and ADHA syndrome: (i.e. day dreaming, hallucination, hyperkinetic, and lack of concentration respectively). Another complication of MMR is the increase risk of acquiring Histoplasmosis (i.e. Darling’s disease) in which 70% of such cases lead to paranoia, depression, anorexia, sore eyes secondary to congestive heart failure, and sometimes, psychotic suicidal attempts.

The only known reservoir of this toxin, sadly, is the human beings (too). This toxin can either be inherited or acquired. Toxin-Lab can be inherited via genetic engineering of DNAs of XX and XY chromosomes that eventually begets another specie of the same genus. Acquired Toxin-Lab is due to exposure to some radiations, chemicals, and surgery. Those people who have this toxin in their systems are called “T-L carriers”. T-L carriers could either be asymptomatic or symptomatic. Symptomatic carriers produce mild to severe disorders. Mild disorders such as diabetes mellitus (i.e. increase sugar levels in the blood thus they tend to be overly sweet) and trismus (i.e. lock-jaw) secondary to P-acute syndrome (get it?) can lead to severe disorders such as hydrocephalus secondary to brain emphysema (i.e. enlargement of the head due to the presence or accumulation of air in the brain better known as ARROGANCE), edema of the face (i.e. metastasis of the skin of the face that leads to overly thickness resembling callous), and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome secondary to anasarca which is actually a much severe form of the latter.

These T-L carriers are NOT exempted from acquiring the same infections such as with those non-carrier beings. Actually, everyone is at risk. You’ll never know if the one sitting beside you inside the shuttle might be a carrier or worse, infected with that toxin. And since the human body cannot produce immunoglobulins against this toxin, reinfection and recurrent of the latent infection usually occur.

Patients who are suffering from reinfection usually develop another disorder known as the McFarland (i.e. standard basis medium) syndrome. McFarland syndrome is characterized by psychological disturbances of both the left and the right hemisphere of the cerebrum where in the patient tends to compare the latent infection with the current one. The usual basis is the primary T-L infection.

Again, there is no known immunologic therapy against this toxin but prophylaxes are available ubiquitously. The problem with these prophylaxes is that, patients have idiopathic responses on each dose and kind of prophylaxis. Therefore, since patients’ responses differ from one another, it is best recommended to take at least 3 prophylaxes during risk times.

Recommendation: If “mal-comprehension” persists, consult the GREATEST PHYSICIAN.

Copyright 2006 by Odessa Mann

All rights reserved. No part of this journal maybe used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

http://www.odessamann.blogspot.com/

ThUnDeRs AnD LuLLaBiEs

The ice cream store was half-full of those students from the nearby University as Nicole and her 9 year old daughter Jamie stepped inside. Nicole is a young mother in her mid 20’s. She bore her daughter at the age of 17 and her man left him 3months after. Still beautiful but full of poignancy, she manage to give her only child a life of a princess of her own right. Nicole: “What do you want honey?” Jamie: “Peanut butter frost with choco fudge and marshmallow.” Nicole: (Turning to the waiter) “Give her… that and one coffee crumble please.” Waiter: “Is that all, ma’am?” Nicole: “Yes.” For about 3 minutes, the waiter return with their orders and then went to another table. Jamie was about to eat her dessert when her mother remind her to pray first. After praying Jamie asked – Jamie: “Mom, is Jesus really married to Mary Magdalene?” Nicole: “Where did you get such question?” Jamie: “Keith said his brother has this book that tells Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene.” Nicole: “D’you believe that?” Jamie: “Um… if there’s smoke, there’s fire.” Nicole: “Coals have smokes but there’s no more fire in them. Engines blow smokes but they don’t have fire. Our car blows smokes though it’s not in fire.” Jamie: “So it’s not true?” Nicole: “I don’t know. But it’s not because there’s smoke means there’s also fire.” Jamie: “You’re saying that because we believe in God.” Nicole: “I want you to believe in God.” Jamie: “Why do I have to?” Nicole: “Everybody has a God.” Jamie: “Why do we have to believe something just to fit in the world we’re living? Why do we have to believe just to make ourselves feel better about the world? Why are we afraid of the fact that we have no one and nothing else to rely on?” Nicole: “I want you to believe in God not because He is real but because it is much better for you to believe in Him. Because the world is cruel and hostile, we can never change it. And if you don’t believe in something, you’ll never feel secured. I don’t want you be scared. I want you to feel secured even in the midst of your hostile environment. That’s why I want you to believe in God. It is nice to think that there’s someone out there who cares for you. Though it’s just your mere illusion that blinds you. The world is cruel, and if you don’t feel secured, you’re making it worse because there’s no where to run, and you can’t even run to yourself. I want you to believe in Him because I want you to feel secured, because only by then, you can face the hostile world.” Jamie: “Well, if God is just an illusion, where did we come from?” Nicole: “Where d’you think we came from?” Jamie: “I will believe in God NOT just to feel secured but because I know He is real. And because He is real, I don’t just feel secured, I’m REALLY secured.” Nicole looked at her daughter and smiled. A smile that both of them understood even in the midst of silence. As the mother was once the daughter and the daughter becomes the mother. This is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people and real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s (my) imagination. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

A Walk In Faith

It is during these crucial moments in my life when hope seems to be as frail as my worn-out faith; I thank Him for the reason of nothingness.



As history repeats itself, it will again repeat itself.



Back two years ago when I was still in college, I was once asked to deliver a testimony of faith during one of our weekly meeting in Medical Student Alliance. I was forced to confess my inert gloom to everybody though it is really not my attitude to confide my feeling and problems to other people. I told them how I still praise Him in spite of the darkest trying times. A member asked me how did I manage to hold on to Him when everything else falls apart. I told her it is because I don’t hold Him, He holds me. Though I wanted to wander away from Him, He did not let me go. Though I lose my faith, He is ever faithful.



I have to practice what I’ve preached back two years ago as I’ve practiced them even before I preached them.



As history repeat itself, let history repeat itself.

Broadway Memories

It’s been a long time ago since the Theatro guild world opened its gates for me. For three years I became a member of it. Right now, I feel quite nostalgic remembering those sweet stage-memories.

(Director's Cut)
Applause! Nice sketch! Bravo Musica! Um… maybe you can direct my unfinished script… when it’s already finish… if I could actually finish it. If I could still finish it.



(T for TALENTS)

I’ve got loads of ‘em!
Only… they are hidden. Haha! Kidding! <-- (Kidding!) ; p

(Lights, Camera, Ac... CUT!)

Life is such a mess.
Green, blue, red… away from me.
Paranoia… let me go.


P.S. Is that your see-ejtch-you-are-see-ejtch uniform? Err… just asking.


P.P.S. A better post next time… promise.
But for now, I have to hack around the web community to find something worth thinking about in the midst of nonsense reveries spinning around the chaotic space of my cerebrum.

Stringed Nostalgia

It’s been raining since… I can’t remember. And now, I’m badly missing my good old guitar. It seems like history since the last time I held it though I’m damn convinced that it is really a good thing that my parents took it away from me, because if not, I’ll only spend my days playing it despite the fact that the board exam is fast approaching. The truth is, I’m fed up with all these medical books I’m succumbed to deal with everyday. It’s like I’m being bombarded with so many facts, hoax, fallacies, and theories, but still not good enough ammunition for the exams. But surely life will get better. Much better.

Grill Or All Vague

Lies within an enigma so dear
A risk of indefinite fate
A patch of nebula oh! so clear
Grill or all vague.

Message In A Blog:Part 3 (The Silent Rebellion Of The Hidden Angst)

People often say that we should “forgive and forget”. Well I prefer to “forgive and learn”. I don’t hold grudges, it is a waste. Let bygones be bygones. But we’re not living in the past, and that is actually the problem. Today is the present. It’s like I’m holding on to the tide while everybody is surfing. NOT that I’m afraid of changes but because we’re not really changing at all. You’re still the same person I knew since childhood, or better yet, since MY world begun. You’re still the same person who thinks I’m a selfish jerk, egotist to the bone, a maverick with her own orthodox, and a neurotic spoiled brat. You don’t show that you hate me, maybe because you’re not supposed to do that. But I know better in sensing such inert instinct repelling behavior. I’m not what you think. You don’t know me even though we’ve been at the same place for almost all our lives. My being different made you hate me. But why? Is it a sin to be so different?... I don’t think so. You hate me because you can’t deceive me like the way you deceive other people. You hate me because I knew you better more than you know yourself. You hate me because I know your selfish motives just to gain a glittering nomenclature for your own brass identity… Absurd! I’m sick of your plastic bucks and clocks that you use just to buy people for your own prestige and stab them at their backs anesthetically. I’m fed up of your lachrymose pathetic drama while at the back frame of your mind you’re actually dancing in euphoric dirty glory. You hate me because I know so much about how stingy you are while you parade your damn patriotic image like a puritan. I DON’T walk along the street with an all white garment and a banner on my forehead saying “I’M A SAINT” like YOU DO. I DON’T parade my bucks and clocks going to charities with a flag on my sleeve saying “I’M GENEROUS” like YOU DO. I just walk around naked and let other people see the flaws in me because that’s what I’m made of. Nothing is more honest than being yourself. You hate my honesty. Right now, I’m like a chemist trying hard to add the prefix “AL-” to my profession. My frustration is to turn lead into gold, or better yet, turn a devil into a Christian. Really, it is a frustration because I’m filthy like we all are. Please do not exclude yourself. Is your hatred overwhelming you like a gutter containing the intensity of Niagara Falls; you cannot handle it anymore, because I’m telling you the truth? Stop being a bigot. Don’t worry; I DON’T hate you though I’m hurting. Hatred is something that is really NOT a part of my system. It NEVER runs in my blood. Grudges are wastes and I throw them as soon as I found them inside my life. This is my way of throwing grudges/wastes… and same way I cherish the good old days. Acknowledgments: I would like to thank www.blogger.com for providing me my blog where I throw all my grudges/wastes and keep all my cherished good memories. It never fails to make me feel better after a certain post. Thank you.

Maktub

I used to believe that fairytales are stories of “lived happily ever after”. But now I realize I was wrong, because fairytales are fictions. Just mere fictions. Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel… they all are destined to be just characters in fairytales not meant to be real. Isn’t it sad to live in an illusion? Just an illusion. I feel so sorry for them.

P.S. The eyes that watch the world are the eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Though the world claims its innocence… I claim enlightenment.

LiTtLe HoLLyWoOd

I can’t seem to handle this growing publicity. I mean publicity, NO kidding. Now I can truly understand what those celebrities mean when they say “it’s the price of fame”. Its like you’re losing your space and your world is getting smaller. It’s really hard to manage the overwhelming popularity (hahaha!!!). Maybe that’s one celebrity factor I still have to learn for myself. But I really can’t do anything about this situation. I guess I just have to enjoy this little Hollywood game I’m in right now until my glamour fades… uhoh! LOL! =P

Prose Of Redemption

O! Thou art like a sword beneath,

Seeped through my chest so deep,

Crimson fountain gushed and flooded my soul,

O! Might of salvation uncontrolled.

Cookie Cutter World

If you can't beat them... then stand out.

It does NOT mean that if people started jumping from a 50 feet building, you're going to do the same thing too.

It does NOT mean that if billions of people say it is right, then it is really right.

It does NOT mean that if you're the only one who says it is wrong, then you're wrong.

Though you turn the world upside down, the right thing will always be the right thing... and the wrong will always be wrong.

Tell a lie to the world if that would mean being TRUE to yourself and to GOD.

Stand up for what is right even though the world is against you.

Always remember that being different is NEVER a sin.

Be cool but don’t freeze.
Be hot but don’t melt.
Lukewarm? – “So then because thou art lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth.” (Revelation 3:16)
So its like you don’t fit inside but you can’t stay outside… and still, you’re not welcome in between. Heck!

Prize And Prices

Best things in life aren't free. They are just things that money cannot actually buy. But we earn them through sacrifices, attitude, and character.

But in every rule there's always an exemption. The exemption is God's grace. We can't buy it and neither earn. We just have to receive it. Its a gift.

Again, best THINGS in life aren't free... only the best "THING" is free.

Idiosyncrasy Of The Bourne Prodigy

A: “How is it going?”
B: “Cheesy!”
A: “Tell me the truth, though!”
B: “I’m telling the truth, though! I’m doing no good… I changed my routine just 2 days ago, and you know what that means, right? It means I’m back to ZERO!”
A: “So what’s your plan?”
B: “Continue…”
A: “Any plans to enroll somewhere?”
B: “Nope! You know what happened during the in-house review, right? I don’t want that thing to happen again. I know myself better not to.”
A: “But…”
B: “And yeah! Sir Adopted said that its not the matter of time but idiosyncratic management.”
A: “Good to hear that!”
B: “Yup! Encouraging enough… so, are we going… um… there…? ya’ know?”
A: “I’m sorry, I promise not to indulge into shopping vice until I’ve proven something. Anyway, there are still a lot of time, after this.”
B: “Yeah right! There is time for everything!”
A: “ Gotta go now… bye! muah!”
B: “Bye! God bless! Muah!”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
B: “Uhoh! Time for rush hour!”



"Everything is possible. The impossible just takes longer." – Digital Fortress (Dan Brown)