Surviving Christmas

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Jackfrost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by the choirs
And folks dressed up like Eskimo.
---The Christmas Song---

This will probably be my worst Christmas ever. I'm still not that emotionally prepared to face the reality that suddenly unfolded infront of me. I'm still in a sort of a traumatic shock and still can't believe (though I have to) that we're definitely facing a big financial crisis.
I grew up spending Christmas with gifts, goodies, and all the nice stuffs that you could possibly imagine in your frame of mind. I grew up with that intense kind of felicity everytime the yuletide season approaches the end of the year because I love the grandeour of it's celebration, I love everything about Christmas. But this time, there are no gifts, no stockings to hang on, no goodies, no grandeour celebrations, no sparkling lights, no tall Christmas tree... in short... nothing for Christmas. Its hard to accept the truth, but its harder to lie to your own self.
Yes, this Christmas is far different from the past Christmas-es we had, but it will always be the same season of celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. This Christmas reminds me of little Jesus born in Bethlehem. I realized that the very first Christmas in history was actually the worst Christmas indeed. Knowing the fact that Jesus was born only in a manger, no celebrations, no sparkling lights, no tall Christmas trees, no yuletide carols. But Jesus did not complain, neither Mary nor Joseph.
So, I don't have the right to complain about our raging life at this moment, for the truth revealed itself, that the real essence of Christmas is the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ and not the mundane festivities.
I know I'll survive this Christmas, I know we will.


P.S. : ATTENTION: The BCC (Blue Christmas Club) is no longer existing and will never exist again. Neither do the founder wants to continue the services of the said organization.

Feliz Navidad!!! Prospero Anu Felicidad!!!

High (Part 1)

"...These are my journals back during highschool."

 Its been a decade and six years eversince I've started my journey to this world, and everyday I think of how lucky I am to be where I am right now - my wildest dreams are now unfolding into reality in front of my eyes. Its like that for me because of massive amount of hardworks and dedication only partly by me - mostly by a lot of other people. Right now, I would like to take this opportunity to express my profound gratitude for who knows there'll be no other chance that will come my way. I have to say it now, its been a good life all in all, its good if I still have the chance to hang around. I'm happy to say what I always long for to say, to share and consider this time to all those people who have been there for me. First and foremost, its always been a big and unmending gratitude deep within me belongs to the "Big Guy" up above us all for the most incredible adventure anyone could ever hope, wish, and dream for. My many treasured memories that I always hold eversince in my heart and my hopes for someday are all belong to you. Thanks for giving me the probability to live an unbelievable life. I want to express my warmest gratitude to my loving family, ofcourse to my mom for being the most incredibly positive influence in every aspect of my life. To my dad for being the pillar of support. To my big bros for building such a killer team, for being a pain to me sometimes, but anyways, I trully appreciate it now - finally! To my undescribable circle of friends that never in my wildest dreams I imagined that someday I'll be meeting these wonderful people who have been the droplets of rain from above. I'm like an ocean right now, but I would be nothing but just a plain desert without a single drop of water. Thanks for being the droplets of water in my life. To _____________, you have no idea how much I appreciate you for all the heart whelming thoughts. I thank you for being my inspiration in making all these journals. I thank God for knowing you. I thank you for giving me the passion for life, the courage to be strong, and the will to carry on. From out of nowhere you add a tune in my life, like a ray of sunshine, so warm and bright. You have left me with something to cherish each day, and even though I'll be moving on, a part of me will always be with you. Thank you my dear friend. Thank you and may God always watch, guide, and bless you. To my alma mater for molding me to become a better person. Thank you for helping me to build up my own ladder to climb up the height and reach the pedestal. I want to say sorry to anyone whom I missed to thank, and if ever I've got one, I want you to know that I thank you deep inside. Thank you so much.

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It really feels good when you thought that every little thing that you do there's always a reason why it is worthy to be cherished by others. For everything we do, there's always a reason doing it, though sometimes, a never ending why's spin around our minds. Just like God, though He made the mountains, deserts, and plains, in His master plan, there had earthquakes, floods, and hurricanes. Yet I bet, no one knows the reason why, except the owner of this magnum opus. But because of a certain something, dedication is a part of us. Just like Jesus, He dedicate his life to us. So right now on this page, I affectionately dedicate this to the following eversince I've been dedicated for. Ofcourse, mom and dad, I could never repay you for all ye have done for me. Your love, support, and everything, they are all priceless. To my big bros, I couldn't ask for two better bros, I'm so lucky to have thee. To my pals, how can I describe you guys, you are all so awesome! Well always remember this, you are all so lucky cause you got me, but I'm luckier cause I've got you all! To____________, well I think there's nothing more to say to you, you've always been a part of all these journals and you deserve to be mentioned in here. To my alma mater, eversince I entered 4th grade until now, I'm stepping out. I'll be leaving this piece of accomplishment to you and forever it will cherish everything. To all the people who will mind to have a distant stare... hope you can gain something from it. And lastly, I want to give a special dedication to the greatest warrior ever redeem the world, a servant yet a master, a man yet a God - this is humbly dedicated to my saviour Jesus Christ.

----------------------------------------------------

Friends... they are simply the incredibly priceless treasure of a person We cannot call our companions friends if they lead us to deceitful ways When beyond their angelic eyes lies a lie in every word of their lesson When they let you crack down the long wrong road and they'll just walk away. Friends... they are God's gift for each and everyone to give a will to carry on The candle that gives light to your path when you're trapped in a big black hole Someone who can understand and can lend a shoulder to lean on At times when vexation arise, a friend is always there to control. Friends... they always make your frown a smile, with just one breath is a million sighs When a song is out of tune, they're the one who can make it the sweetest song that will enter you soul Like an angel in disguise that was sent from God that turns your gray to purple skies And when you feel like hope is gone and life has passed you dry A friend is always there to push you up to reach your goal. Life in this world is not easy, you gotta be strong to face it. That's why I'm so fortunate for encountering such friends that are so true. I couldn't think for a better explanation why I've met you all along the road of my life. Such questions are like the mysteries that when God made the mountains, deserts, and plains, in His master plan, why there had be earthquakes, floods, and hurricanes. Sometimes I wonder when I see the peaceful sky, how could it turn so dark and so cold. Yes... we all know that this old world is full of flaws, but I've found one explanation why life is still worth living. Its because when God made us, He has something else in mind, and when God made us, He took a little extra time. That's how it flows, in the end we'll realize how special we are for having the most wonderful treasure in this world... Friends. So right now I would like to take this oppotunity to express my most profound gratitude for having my friends as one of the best part of my life. All of you got no idea how much I appreciate every little bitter-sweet mem'ries we had. Look at me, I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'll be this way, yet, I'm not hallucinating now, its real, I am who I am now and I've reached the ground that I'm on now because of you. I'm no longer singing the same old blues in the middle of nowhere because all of you made everything as clear as it seems - picture perfect! So lastly, as you start turning each pages and read whatever is written here, again I want to dedicate this to all the people who will lend their time, eyes, and heart to read this, I'll be very glad. I also want to extend my dedication to all the people who played a great role in my life from the moment I opened my eyes and saw the light of the world. I mostly dedicate this to my friends, though your names are not written in here, you know how much I appreciate you all. We know that there are only a few more days shall roll then we'll finally reach the final end when we need to set apart our hands. But all of you got a special part in my heart. A special dedication to the Big Guy up above us all. I'm nothing without you Lord. I give you all the honor and glory for all the mighty works Ye have done. I'm eternally greatful... for all!

Go Back . . . Home

"Another airplane,
Another side place,
I'm lucky I know,
But I wanna go home.
Maybe surrounded by
a million people,
I still feel all alone
And I wanna go home"
----Michael Buble'----
(Its Time - Home)

I always find myself stating the same line everytime I find myself trapped in a crossroads of life... I always say " You can look back but you can never go back!". I lived for that cliche for such a long time, but I guess, I'm heading my way to another paradigm shift as stated by my own prophecy - that "people evolve, people change... somehow, they'll change their minds".
Our church pastor last Saturday talked about the Parable Of The Prodigal Son (in case you don't know this story... read the Bible - Luke 15:11-32). In this story, the prodigal son, after realizing that he lost his everything, he decided to go back, he went back home, he trudge again the same raod, he doubly marked his own footsteps way back home.
Surely, everybody must move forward, but definitely, there's nothing wrong in going back too, when you cracked down the long wrong road. Don't hesitate to go back... don't you ever think that you have gone too far to return when you know that you're on the wrong path of your life. Swallow your pride, there's nothing wrong with that, that's much better than keep on moving forward then realize that you've wretched everything you have invested through out your life. Its true that "It takes a day to build a ladder and a minute to destroy it"... so if you hit a wrong nail, make some adjustments immediately, its better to take off some parts than continue working on it coz it won't get you any further before you'll notice that its all a mess, and you can't do anything but to start again from the very beginning.
At this moment in my life, I'm trudging my way back home. I don't wanna move forward coz I know that at the end of this road is a dead end... so I'm heading my way back, back to God... back to Him - my Father, its where I belong.
Yes, there's a million places I can go but without God, it definitely ain't home.
Have A Great Week Ahead!!!

In His Shoes

"Oh its quite amazing,
Isn't it, its quite funny to think,
How you stuck your feet though your toes in bleed,
On a kiddie size shoes, you walk on blues,
Its a simple game you gotta do,
Where you don't even know who is who."
----Odessa Mann----
(Unmistakable)

How can I put on his shoes when I'm a girl and his a guy?... it won't suit me no matter how! So this time let's make it easier, don't bother to try his shoes... let's just make it - "He said... She said" - much better right?!
In my idiosyncrasy, I dropped by with my friend's blog. So, in the stillness of my mind, a sudden sort-of-a-bomb exploded right in front of me as I read his latest post telling everyone that life is all about fornication - a big absurdity!!! (for me!). This paradigm is a big absurdity and I guess I will never, or should I say, I will never dare to shift my own paradigm into his theory of such mundaneness.
Yes, we all live in a world full of sin, name it, fornication, pornography, crime, and etc., as if everything we breath is a sin. But why do we tend to be one? I'm not trying to sound too HOLY and neither I'm trying to become a modern SAINT... but I definitely can't take that point of view that life is all about fornication.
Come on people! Life is what we do about it. Life is all about living. There's a big difference between living and just merely existing. Its not because you're breathing means you're living - no!!! And definitely not because you're lying six feet below the ground means you're already dead - no!!! (still). Serving differentiates living from just merely existing. Some dead people can still serve others by their inspiring biographies... and that is what we call "LIVING WITHOUT EXISTANCE". While others are just merely going through their everyday lives without doing anything but just idling around - and that's what we call "EXISTING BUT NOT LIVING". God did not create us to have sex every minute of our lives... yes, sex isn't bad... coz its actually a PART OF MARRIAGE... only in the bound of marriage... and it is JUST A PART and not the whole of marriage.
So lastly, this is just my reaction regarding my friend's blog... feel free to have a comment... if you have one.
So to everybody, let's live life... let's live it and not just exist with it.

INTERNSHIP BLUES : PART 8 (Tattoos Of Memories)

"Think about the laughs that made you cry,
Think about the sad memories that make you laugh,
If there's one thing that I would never dare to forget,
That's my memory of you."
----Odessa Mann----
(I Have To Runaway)

It has been quite a while since my last "Internship Blues" post. Days had past so quickly and the nights are seldom long... now I'm lost somewhere in my memory... perhaps I've lost my sense of time. Life has never been the same since I left UDMC (United Doctors Medical Center). I wake up each morning without any heterogenous conglomeration of absurdity that bamboozles my anatomy... everyday is just an ordinary day filled with routine exercises from home to laboratory and backwardz at the end of the day.
Yesterday was the graduation of the MICO'05 (Mid-year Interns Class Organization'05). And right now I've realized that that farewell was real and morbid ... morbid to the extent of making me cry... cry to the extent of making me believe that things will never be the same again.
I thought I'm missing our adventures and merry gimmicks, but then, last wednesday, I saw my (just graduated) co-interns back in UDMC, and right there at that moment, I 've realized that its not the adventures nor the all night gimmicks that I'm really missing but the people themselves. Yes, I must admit that I'm struggling to let go of them. My emotional being is so damn filled with those silent reveries that seemed to seeped through my soul - its damn intoxicating!
I'm battling with my own emotions, I've been diving into such silent wishes that we could hangout again - coz I miss them badly. I don't want to sound too pathetic nor too melodramatic Oscar winning line, but if it seems to be like that way, then I guess it is.
I cherish those good ole' days of fun, but I cherish the friendship more - I know I've found a treasure. Never in my frame of mind I imagined that these people will rock my life... but then I'm glad.
So I guess cliches are true, that we'll never know what we've got 'til we say goodbye. Heck with that word - I always had a hard time saying that word, and I always had a hard time convincing myself that its over. That's one weakness I have that I've been trying to kill in the battle of my life's arena. So sad, until now I was not able to succeed. I still found myself pouring my own rain from my own eyes and still feel the coldness of their absence.
Yes, those are the good ole' days that tattoed in my memories. Life goes on... but things are quite strange... but that home is gone... I should build another home... but definitely its different... it will be too hypocritical if I say its damn easy... coz its not!
So lastly, as I hang those portraits of memories of my life... I'll cherish everything but I'll move on... count on it... I will... I just don't know when... but definitely I will wake up someday soon with an open hand.
Gracias!!!... Adios!!! Asta la vista mi amigos amigas!!!

Pinoy Big Brother VS. The "REAL" Big Brother

Date Written : November 12, 2005 (Saturday)

"Righteousness can be faked!"
- Pastor Mon Baldovino -
(Manila Center Adventist Church)

I woke up this morning with a pain at my back, my arms, and my legs... its awful, I should have got this pain from too much work and stress at the hospital, at school, and at home. The whole week was really tiresome and I can't hardly wait for this day (Saturday) cause I'm really damn exhausted.
Yesterday, I was the only intern on duty, so I did all the works at the clinical laboratory. At around 2 pm, I thought I could go home coz I'm done, but the sad thing was, an unexpected call came and my staff told me that new specimens will arrive later that afternoon. So, as what the prophecy said, 2 specimens arrived at the clinical laboratory at exactly 6 pm... so I worked on it and stayed there until 7 pm.
I arrived home at 8 pm and I hurriedly washed my clothes and end up at 10 pm very exhausted. I didn't attend dinner anymore... and I didn't realized that I also forgot to eat my lunch that same day because of too much toxicity from work.
So going back to this morning, I know its Saturday but I'm not so sure if I want to go to the church. So much for my damn confusion, I headed my way straight to the shower room and started to fix myself... so the next thing I know, I was there sitting at the church. I'm still sleepy, but then our pastor started talking in front, and the next thing I know, I was attentively listening to him.
His first punch line was - "Who among here watch Pinoy Big Brother?". So to my (and everybody's) surprise, we all laugh at the question. Then he discussed to us the real meaning of being "HOT" ( fruit of the Spirit), "COLD" (work of flesh), and "LUKEWARM" (resembling hot outward but cold inward). Here, he mentioned that righteousness can be faked. We may look at our church leaders as HOT but then, we never know, they might be really COLD.
I've known someone who are lukewarm, and sometimes, I am too. A lot of times I'm faked by someone's outward hotness, but then, as I've come to know them, they turn out to be clearly lukewarm. Sometimes I fake, and its sad that I hate those who fake righteousness not knowing that am also faking righteousness right before my eyes.
Yes its true, that some Christians are only Christians because they are Christians and they are called Christians, but they are not really Christians. And the bad news is, God knows everything. It is like being in the house of (Pinoy) Big Brother where everything is documented/recorded. We are not justified.
But there is the good news. The good news is that God is not like (Pinoy) Big Brother who sends out those people who cannot abide with his rules. Jesus, which is the World's Big Brother accepts our weaknesses and gave us salvation. No! He will not send you out if everybody hates you, actually, He'll love you even more. He will not send you out even though you cannot abide with His rules... cause there is salvation.
Aren't you glad that our World's Big Brother is Jesus who understands and loves us more than His own self?... me?... I'm glad to know that we don't live in the house of (Pinoy) Big Brother who doesn't have the heart like that of Jesus. But we live on earth with the real Big Brother - Jesus, who constantly loving us and the best part, He gave us salvation... now we're saved!

The bad news : "I know thy works,
that thou art neither cold nor hot,
so then, because thou art lukewarm
and neither cold nor hot,
I will spew thee out of my mouth."
Revelations 3:15-16
The good news : " Behold I stand
at the door and knock,
if any man hear my voice
and open the door,
I will come into him,
and will sup with him and he with Me."
Revelations 3:20

MY SUPERHERO

"In the eyes of a child, his father will always be a hero..."
-- Road To Perdition --

I was once a kid , and I do love cartoons and superheroes. I grew up watching those kinds of kiddie TV programs. As I leave my childhood with those memories, I've realized that I never had my favorite superhero, even though I'm fond of watching them.
Now, I've just entered another new decade in my life. No more childhood cartoon superheroes, no more teenage romantic heroes. Now, I've just stepped in to a new phase of my life - the 20's life. Now I'm old, older that who I thought I was.
As I go through the memory lane of my life, I've noticed that there's this one person in my life who I never really talked about that much , but then, I've realized , he is my superhero.
When I was a child, whenever my mom gets mad, I always run to him. Everytime I cry when I was a kid, he always do something to make me smile, like, he'll make some paper toys just to stop me from crying, or he'll take me to the nearest store to buy me some candies. Everytime he arrived home from work, he always have some simple kiddie snacks for me and my big bros. Though he always say that he love us equally (me and my siblings), I've always felt that I'm special.
As I turn older, I always gain favor in his sight. Though I'm not the perfect daughter at all.
He is always there everytime I need someone to talk to about my life, he's always there to support me all the way in every aspect of my life. During my weakest moment, he stayed beside me and made me feel I'm not alone. He's always been a hero.
My Father Is My Superhero!!!
I look up to him so much, no one knows how much I love and respect him for being such the most incredibly positive influenced in my life. I became the person - the strong person I am right now because of him. No one knows (not even him - my father) the pain , the darkness, the struggles that I've faced along my life's road. No one knows coz I always pretend that I'm okey, I always wear a happy smile, and no one can notice the emptiness in it. No one knows the broken pieces in me, the missing and the gone part of my being. But I've survived in my life's arena because of how my father molded me as a person.
I admire the courage and the inner strength of my father. Even upon the weakest point of his being, I saw him struggled to spring fort strength out of his weakest point. I saw how his body, mind, and emotions were wrapped by a sudden trauma and I saw how this trauma made his physical body weak, but not his spirit. I saw how he struggle to fight his own emotional breakdown just for us to enable to still live the life we were used to. I'm a witness to all of his battles in the arena of life, I saw him bled, I saw him fell, but he always manage to stand again and fight constantly, ignoring the pain of his physical, emotional, and spiritual being. He is a man of integrity. When he said it, he mean it. That's the difference of my mother from him. I still remember, when I was a kid, my mom would usually promise something just for us to obey her, but after it was all done, the promise will remain just a word and not an action. I love my mom, but I don't take her promises seriously cause I grew up hearing them but not tangibly have them. It was an abused word from her. But when my dad promised something, no matter what it takes, he will keep his word and do it. That's why he earned my trust, that's why I look up to him so much because he never failed me with his words and promises.
I've learned how to keep my words and promises because of him. I've learned how to fight the battle of life's arena because of him. I've learned how to turn my weaknesses into strengths because of him. I'm happy that the Big Guy in heaven gave me such a "SUPER DAD". I'm really proud that he is my dad.
I am my dad's daughter...
And I'm also his biggest FAN!!!

-- Heavenly Father,
thank you for giving me
such an incredible
and responsible father.
Thank you for giving me
someone I could look up to
and follow to,
in order for me to be
the person you want me to be.
I bring back all the honor
and glory to you.
Amen. --

Reality Bites, Chews, and Swallows... and Digests!!!

Gone are those childhood days. Everything changed now and they became totally strangers to me. I've spent so much time in my life thinkin' how to change, and I didn't noticed that everything around me already changed. Just last night, my big bro told me a news about my other big bro that he and his girlfriend are expecting a baby. I was in the stillness of my mind last night that's why I can't seem to believe what I've just heard. This morning my mind was lost with my childhood memories with my big bros. And now I've realized that they're no longer the boys I used to run to everytime I'm scared of those creepy creature around only for them to laugh at me and scare me even more, they're no longer the boys who used to tease me until I cry and run to our dad, they're no longer the boys I used to play with, they're no longer the boys who taught me different kind of tricks as if I'm a puppy, they're no longer the boys I used to watched cartoons with, they're no longer the boys I used to share my dreams with and laugh with it cause those are funny wild child ambitions, they're no longer the boys who used to fetch me after school ( coz I came from an exclusive school for girls and their school was just around 3 blocks away from mine ), they're no longer the boys who I used to know. They've changed, they are now strangers to me... though they're still my big bros (nothing could ever change that!). Time changed them and somehow, I can't help but sigh to see the distance in our relationships with each other. They've got their own busy lives now, they've got their own responsibilities (as a new daddy) now. I felt like time passed me by and I'm the only one left unchanged, still standing, still holding on to what I'm used to be. This is reality, and everything changed for real. Life is no more a scoop of ice cream but its already a block of ice. Its cold, and the coldness deep within is more lonely than the coldness of the winter outside. Everything unfolds in front of my eyes and I can't do anything but to believe it... coz this is REALITY!!!

The Prize Of Fame

Its late in the afternoon, I just got home from a nearby comp. cafe where I've spent my whole boring day... Its so damn frustrating to have a 10 days off from your work and yet... you've got no one to hang out with... coz everybody have their holiday duties.

So... I'm in front of the computer... again! A while ago, I was surfing the net when I came across to this profile of an actor. Yup! an actor. I don't know him personally but he is a friend of my friend (they know each other personally coz they came from the same school back during highschool.) - so how are we connected? - (we're second degree friends!) hehehe!!! - well, he is a friend of my friend! - right?!

So to my boredom, I log into friendster.com and checked out the profile of my friend's friend - the actor. And to my surprise, I've found several links. Yes, some of his fans used his name for friendster profile. So what I did, I clicked on the profile who's picture is as ordinary as a "not an actor". And amazingly I arrived to the real person I'm lookin' for.

I saw his pictures with his friends and his on and off showbiz girlfriend - (rumored that they're no longer on!) but hey! I just saw their latest pic - kissing! not to mention - on the profile of the real man. But how did I know he's the real actor? - because I checked out his friends and I saw my friend there - that's the conclusion after all.

So the cliche is true! That celebrities are just human... too. From that profile, I saw the inner life of that actor. And I can't help believing what I just saw. That this cutie TV personality is just a simple man with a simple life outside the world of local "Hollywood" industry. I admire him before because he is a good young actor and not to mention a real cutie. But I admire him more now for showing me the simplicity of his real life which no one knows except... those people close to him - and I'm lucky to have a connection!

Its the prize of fame as what they say. But if you have your own inner life, you'll never be a slave of your environment. That's something everybody should have... the INNER LIFE!...

INTERNSHIP BLUES : PART 7 (The 10 Days Break)

Everybody @ the FEU Hospital envied my 10 days break. But ofcourse!... imagine... no 26 hrs. duties, no regular duties, no night duties for 10 days. So what's the impact to me?... capital B-O-R-I-N-G!!!...
I miss my work, I miss my "me" as a Medical Technologist. I miss dealing with patients, I miss the wardings, forwardings, the specimen processings... name it!... I miss the yucky smell of stools, the messy routine procedures of urinalysis, I miss the color of the blood...RED!!!
I miss my co-interns, I miss our staffs... who else??? I miss... Uh! um!... everybody! The hospital /laboratory is my life now, it is where I belong now.
4 days to go and I'll be back on track again. My 10 days break will be over and I'm excited to be back... to be back on my "NORMAL" being again.
Now I've realized that vacation is not that all fun... just try to walk on with my shoes, its like this... you've got a 10 days break but your colleagues were not as lucky (should I say that?) as you are, because they have their holiday duties. So you've got no one to hang out with and you just spend all your time surfing the net, blogging, checking your friendster and updating your webpage. You're infront of the computer for about 10 hours everyday... in other words... its boring!!! my computer is my bestfriend @ this moment.
But anyways, as what I've said... 4 days to go and I'll be back on track! Yepee!!!

The Thing Called Love

*** Love Is Not Blind - it was never blind, because when people around you cannot appreciate your loved one, and if they think that you're a fool because you're loving someone who they think don't deserve your love... smile and tell them "LOVE IS NOT BLIND"... because love can still see beauty out of imperfections, while those who don't know love can only see the flaws of other people. Now tell me, who is blind? The one who can see beauty inspite of all the flaws or those who can only see imperfections?
*** Love is a noble act of self-giving. The more you love, the more you lose a part of you, yet, you do not become less of what you are. You just end up being complete.
*** Real beauty can only be revealed by LOVE.
*** Do you know what does the sky and man have in common?
- the eyes...
- there's a night and day for the sky, and a mind and heart for a man.
- the night has bilions of eyes (the stars)... the day has only one (the sun)
- how come day is brighter than night?
- the mind has billions of eyes (the knowledge)... the heart has only one (the love)
- how come man can give up everything just to have one?
*** Love is the most beautiful thing earth inherited from heaven.

Confessions Of A Liar

"Love ... is a fact... but as for now, its a fiction!"
An Interview With A Liar

Hi! I'm a liar... a self-confessed liar. Why d'you look confused? Is it because I'm being honest? I'm a liar... honestly I'm a liar. What about you? Aren't you like me? I believe, I can see it, you're also a liar.
Enough about my lies for a while, I'm here to confess something. Something I've never said before, something I denied for so long. And now, the time has come for me to take off my mask and reveal the real face of a liar.
You think I'm happy? I always laugh, I always wear the sweetest smile, but... d'you think I'm happy? D'you know that there's a hole within me? An empty space that's cadging for someone to fill it up?
Let's talk about something I hate to talk about, but I would love to have. Something that everybody wants to talk about. Something that everyone can't live without. Something worthy to talk about.
Love - I've heard a lot of definitions of it, and my ears had enough. I've read a lot of stories about it, and my eyes had enough of it. Still I can't define it with my own words. I want to feel it but I'm not so sure if I'm ready for it. I confess I've never been into any romantic relationships. Name it... flings, affairs, serious relationships... never had any of them. But hey! I'm not a geek! I've got my personal reasons why I never engage myself into such relationships. But since this is about my confessions, I'll let you in to my little secret... I'll tell you my reasons why. First, I promised God that I will never commit into any romantic relationships until I finish college. Second, I'm really scared to get hurt. I've read a lot of novels, seen a lot of movies, and yes! they are heart-whelming stories that I often wish they're for real, but then, I've heard a lot of true stories and its so sad that I often wish they're not for real.
I always say "I'm fine", always believe that I'm ok, always portray that I'm fulfilled, but no one knows the emptiness inside of me. I crave for love, yes, but I don't want to hurry myself for it. Sometimes when I feel so cold, I often make myself believe that love is just a fiction, a fairytale. There's no such thing as Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose, Dawson and Joey, there's no such thing as " A Walk To Remember " - they're all just feel-good stories that can make you feel good for a while, but then, reality bites, chews, and swallows... it will eat and grind and digest you... and it simply HURTS!
But then I know God has a master plan for you and me. Time will come for love to find me. So is love a fiction or a fact?... it is a ... FACT. I believe in it because it is a FACT, it has always been a FACT... but until then ...it will remain JUST A FICTION.

Reality Bites...And It Also Chews And Swallows!

Philippines... the pearl of the orient, is now facing a deep crisis. Financial stability seemed to get worse everyday, and the people suffer too much from it. This is REALITY... IT BITES... IT CHEWS... and IT SWALLOWS!!!
But there are somethings in our culture that made me still proud of being a Filipino inspite of all the crisis that keep on grinding our nation... here's my story...
After a tiring duty from the hospital, we (my friends) decided to watch a movie. After that, we decided to go home right away. So we ride into a FX ( a passenger taxi with 10 passengers capacity). We're at the middle sit and we talked about the movie we just saw on our way home. Suddenly a man sat next to me. Then I felt there something touched my hips... and to my surprise... that damn man's hand was on my hips, so I shouted at him while he hurriedly went out of the FX. Then the driver asked me what did that man do to me, I told him that he touched my hips. So the driver got a (sort of a baseball bat) and he followed the man. (I don't know exactly what happened next) then the driver came back and asked me if I'm alright... I said "YES... I'm fine now... Thanks!" Then the driver told me that that man was actually a foreigner... NOT a Filipino.
The reality is that, such things really happen to you, to me, to everyone else! Reality had just bite me... chewed and swallowed me into the real world full of sinful and lustful men. But then, God never forsake His people, He used other people to help you, me, and everyone else. That's where our culture (Filipinos) is counted as one. We always help others even though they are a complete stranger in our sight. The driver, was a stranger... I am a stranger to him too... but still, he is willing to take the risk ( by following that foreign maniac) of getting into trouble.
God Bless That Driver...
Vengeance is not mine (Damn Maniac!) ... its God's!

INTERNSHIP BLUES:PART 6 (The Saga Continues)

So here it goes, like a new place but definitely old. I'm missing everything from my first internship, but I have to move forward, I have to open up my doors. A new tale had just begun... but its just a part of the book I'm portraying, writting... this is my LIFE"S SAGA. Enter the new chapter, learn from it... again!!!

Adrenalin Rush

Date Written: October 20, 2005

I'm here @ the hospital, but this time, I'm not a Med-Tech, my mom is here too, but this time, she's the patient. As the nurse rush my mom in the operating room. Different kind of rush embraced my heart, I saw the bright lights all over the halls, so much of the lights and its blinding me like a little girl left all alone in her dark room imagining monsters right beside her in bed. Fear is rushing all over my nerves, I wanted to cry but my tears were frosted by the coldness of my inner soul.
Dear God, You hold everything, knows everything, and cares for everything. I'm entrusting you everything. Life has always been good to me, cause I may feel persecuted but you never forsake me, I may be troubled but not distressed, perplexed but not dispair, cast down but not destroyed. THANK YOU. Amen.

INTERNSHIP BLUES:PART 5 (The Graduation)

During the last week of September...
Monday... was the day I would like to call "the day", because we did everything we've planned to do. Me and my friends went to Kamay-Kainan, an eat-all-you-can restaurant, and we ate there until we can't breath, we had a lot of fun eating there. After the nice and fun meal, we went straight to SM west and played a lot of different games at the arcade (I like the firing - its nice to hold a riffle and feel its power as you shoot the target!) its really nice! After those games, we rent a mini KTV room and had a party in there. Life really rocks! Let's get wrecked!
Tuesday... was an ordinary duty-day for everybody, but not for us, coz we're busy preparing for the graduation.
Wednesday... was another tiring day.
Then came the special day for us, the graduation day... and @ the same time my grand-24 hours-duty. It was my last day and night at United Doctors Medical Center Laboratory ( as a Med-Tech intern). The graduation was full of emotions. But the most unexpected moment that happened to me was when our Assistant Chief Med-tech announced my name as one of their MPIs (Most Proficient Intern) - I really did not expect that.
After the ceremony, the fun continues at he laboratory. My co-interns stayed @ the laboratory, we had a small shots of liquor for the celebration and it all end up well-emotional especially for me.
The things I will cherish in my stay there @ UDMC are the fun and jolly moments with my co-interns which are my friends (cheers dudes!!! for the success of everybody!!!), the things our staffs shared and tought to us, the complements of the doctors, PGIs, and nurses - (one thing I can't forget about them was when I heared them talking about me and said that I'm industrious and very nice - hehehe!!! - "WHAT A COMPLEMENT!!!"), the pressures that the relatives of the patients gave to me everytime I enter their respective rooms to extract blood. The patience, concern, humility, alertness, cheerfulness, and the HEART of a real Med-Tech that those patients that I've interacted with tought me. I'll never and won't dare to forget those life's great lessons and simple pleasures.
So as I hang those frames of memories on the wall of my soul, I'm starting a new beggining again. A new place, new people to interact with, new friends to meet, new lessons to learn, and a bunch of up-coming memories to cherish. As it goes... we can say "ITS THE END BUT A NEW TALE HAD JUST BEGUN".

Message In A Blog:Part 2 (My Paradigm Shift)

Last September 24 was my birthday... I'm already living in this world for 2 decades and a year... yup! I'm 21 years old already.And right now I do really feel that I'm growing old and I'm running out of time to do all the things I wanted and I should do before I started to decay.
I woke up that day and I realized it was raining outside. I was not in the mood yet to get out of my bed, but that was Saturday and I have to go to the church, and besides, its my birthday, I want to give thanks to God for adding another year to my life.So I got myself dressed up and went there.
At the church, we had the breaking of the bread, which, we do not usually do during ordinary Saturday service. So I was a bit happy, inspite of the rainy whether, because I felt that I was special to God (which I know I am) because we had the breaking of the bread on the day of my birthday.
After the worship hour, I went back home to prepare for my night duty at the hospital. I'm not happy anymore because the fact that it was my birthday, yet I don't have enough money anymore (I've spent all my allowance for that week!). So sad! I can't celebrate my birthday, I can't treat my friends, I don't even have a simple gift for myself.
I went to the hospital and started working at 3 pm at that same day. Everyone greeted me a happy birthday, but still, something was missing inside of me that I can't made myself happy. I was just faking a big hollow smile.
So hours passed by, and then it was almost 12 midnight when my friends surprised me with a small birthday party inside the laboratory. Honestly, I was so touched... really, I am!!! I wanted to cry at that very moment but I held back my tears, because they might think I'm too emotional. But if only they know how much I appreciate their simple, wacky, and funny surprise to me. Oh man! I miss them all now!!! (cause destiny held us by the wrist and directed us where to go!!!)
I want to thank them for making my birthday special and memorable. I can't forget that time in my life, and I'll cherish my friends out there forever in my life. I'm lucky to have them, my inner most being is overwhelmed for that wonderful memory they'd left to me... THANK'S DUDES!!!!!!!
The next day (of my birthday), I had a serious talk with my big brother. Its serious because it was about our lives, about what's happening in us. By that time, I've just realized that... hey! I have a great brother. I realized that I'm very lucky for having a brother willing to sacrifice for me.
So what's the PARADIGM SHIFT? Read the Part One and you'll know why. I called this Paradigm shift because right now I can see both sides. I don't see black, I don't see white, what I can see is gray... its TWO SIDES AT A TIME...

INTERNSHIP BLUES: PART 4 (Are You Ready To let Go?)

Quote: Don't let go too soon... but don't hang on too long... you'll know just when to change your mind.

Yesterday, after the tiring duty at the hospital laboratory, me and my buddies went to SM West to watch a movie. It was already late in the afternoon when we arrived there at the mall so we hurriedly went straight to the movie house. We watched LAND OF THE DEAD - its a nice movie... not that very nice.. but simply NICE! I was strucked in the part when one of the young army was bitten by a zombie and then he killed his own self because he don't want to be one of those creepy creature. There was also another part of the story with the same situation as the first that I've just mention, but this second army, when he was given an option whether to die at the very moment he was bitten or to live but be one of those decaying zombies... he chose to live and become a zombie to revenge on someone. We're still inside the dark room when my mind started to twist into different psychological reflection, and then I asked my inner self if ever I'm trapped with the same situation, will I choose to die or to live with decaying body?... uhhh oh!!!... I'll rather DIE!!!
After the thrilling movie, we went to French Baker, bought some goodies out there... brownies and "tuna turner" - hehehe!!! Outside the mall, we made fun of ourselves, we took pictures like we were a wandering tourist in a very ordinary place wearing our white uniform, laughing and cracking jokes in the middle of the crowd as if we're at our own homes, with everybody staring at as like we're crazy or as if we're like those kids who are lost in the power of prohibited momentary fun of metamphetamines, barbiturates, methadone, or benzodiazepenes - (sounds too medical!!!). But no!!!, we're not lost in the power of benzoylecgonine (hehehe!!!), rather, we're lost in the company of each other. Man!!! life really rocks!!!
As we separate our ways homeward, I was left alone at the back of the taxi, still enjoying the scenario of the night lights at West Avenue. At the back of my mind, I was still laughing as I rewind the craziness we just did. Suddenly, I realized, at the end of this month, we're all be moving into different hospitals, which means, things won't be the same anymore. From the wild, crazy moment we just had, my mind suddenly shifted into the tranquility state of reflection - so there it was, the question suddenly seeped into my brain and I began to sort it all out - am I ready to let go?
Eversince this month of September approached this year, I already started battling with my emotions. I know I have to fix everything right now before its too late, too late to handle again the pain of letting go. I have to detached myself to the crazy company of sweet easy-riders and enter a new phase of my life again. I've learned a lesson again, that is - "We should let every experience penetrate us fully, and that's how we are able to leave it. Take every emotions,cause if you hold back on the emotions, if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through it, you can never get to being detached - cause you're too busy being afraid. If you dive into those emotions - you can say - " Alright, I have enough! I'll detached!". Turn the faucet of emotions and wash yourself with emotions, it won't hurt you, it will only help you".
There's no way to move forward but to leave the place you're in. And as what I always say - " You can always look back but you can never go back" - never dare to go back cause there's so much more on your wayward ahead. Honestly, I don't really want to go back either, cause I'm satisfied with what I had, I'm fulfilled, got no regrets either. Surely, I'll miss this, but if ever I'll have the fancy chance of going back, I won't take it, cause I believe that only those who have unsatisfied lives, unfulfilled lives, and lives that haven't found meaning are the ones who still want to go back, cause if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back, you want to go forward, you want to see more. And yes! I want to see more, I have a very meaningful life and I want it to become more meaningful each day.
So, am I ready to let go?... if you reflect on my message, you'll know the answer. Read between the lines... the answer is there.

INTERNSHIP BLUES:PART 3 (The Permanent Ink)

10 days to go and I'll be moving to another hospital. I don't feel excited, what I feel right now is just a mixture of bitter-sweet, heterogenous conglomeration of both absurdity and reality. I sound confused - right?! I've learned to love that place that seemed to me like a rented home for a wandering man that needs not just a shelter but a home. It is a rented home! A home where you can find smiles, laughter, smiles, laughter, smiles, and laughter. I sound very attached to it... but only because I really enjoyed my stay there - that place that I once curse is the place I've come to loved. The people I never thought I could get along with are now ny buddies... surely, I'll miss them all.
As days goes by, I'm getting closer to my next destination. I don't know what awaits me there, but surely, what I'll leave behind will leave a permanent ink in my life, a permanent hue that won't fade till I face my last bitter hour in this world's splendid time.
I'm glad to say, I'll be leaving without any grudge within me. I'm glad to know that we'll be leaving each other... but we'll all remain as friends. No regrets so far... because I've lived my short stay there to the fullest. Some might think I'm absurd, because I know almost everybody hate that place... but I appreciate that place so much more than anybody knows because I've learned a lot... and those lessons I've learned are now my chip on my shoulder to face a new world.
No more words to say now but... THANK YOU!...
To everybody @ United Doctors Medical Center... I really appreciate each one of you...
SORRY!... for my shortcomings...
THANK YOU!... for sharing a piece of your life to me...
Till next meeting!!!...
Le'gra Go Deo!!!

ALL AbOuT Me

These are the things that make me happy even though the world sucks!!! 1. I'm happy everytime I play my guitar (its soothing to the bones...). 2. I'm happy everytime I spend my idle moments listening to my favorite music (its relaxing as every beat seeped into my nerves). 3. I'm happy everytime I write journals, poetries, songs, etc. - its my passion. 4. I'm happy everytime I spend my sleepless nights gazing at the stars on a dark night. 5. I'm happy everytime I wake up late on a free-day with the sun touching my face while I'm still on my bed. 6. I'm happy everytime I sit beside our window pane and watch the rain fall down from the dark sky. 7. I'm happy everytime I walk along the winding road with the cold breeze kissing me. 8. I'm happy everytime I stay late at night watching TV with pizza and coke. 9. I'm happy everytime I've done something for myself. 10. I'm happy everytime I've done something for others.

The Message: You can find real happy people not in big companies but in simple homes...

Infact, the most happy people are those:

*Old grandpa cutting grass in their back yard.

*Old grandma baking cookies for her grand kids.

*(Old/Young) couples walking at the park with their dogs.

*Children playing innocent games.

*Simple and not so perfect family where love reigns.

The Quote: Happiness is somewhere between too little and too much...

It is found where "enough" lies.

A Message In A Blog

"Anguish Of The Youngest Child"

I'm a typical person, a typical girl, a typical youngest child in the family who grew up like the usual other typical youngest children in the family who grew up well favored by their parents, hated by their siblings, and alone most of the time.
I'm a daddy's girl... that's actually both a blessing and a curse at the same time. It's a blessing being the only girl and at the same time the youngest in the family because I'm treated really special. They always give me extra money, extra toys, extra food, and they always protect me... I mean... overly protect me. But the other side of it is a curse. Being hated by you're siblings is a big curse. You'll always find yourself alone without anyone to talk to, to share what's on your mind, and what you feel.
I grew up with pens, papers, and my old guitar who knows me more than my parents...more than my big brothers... more than anyone. I grew up with these stuffs because through them, I could just burst out all my inert emotions in life.
I started to write at a very young age. I wrote my first poetry and my short story (entitled "ANNA'S BIRTHDAY") when I was about three years old. I composed my very first song at the age of four. I love writing eversince. Everytime I write, I feel like my soul is reviving and in that very moment of placidity in my life I could find the real space that I crave, the space where no one knows where except me, the space where all my feelings live, my fears, my hopes, my tears, my joys, my failures, my success, my anger, my love, my strenghts, my weaknesses, my anguish, my pain, my insecurities, my confidence, and my weirdest dream among the weirdest dreams where your imagination cannot even take you, not even your wildest dreams or nightmares.
No one knows this space, its just me, my pens, my papers, and my good old guitar, they were my childhood friends, and my peers until now. They know what state of poignancy I'm in right now - these stuffs knows it, but my parents don't, my big brothers don't, not even my friends know what kind of anguish, pain, and fury I'm suffering right now.
Its sad, so sad to be alone. You know that you're in a big crowd but you still feel all alone. Its the inner loneliness that makes you feel empty though people thinks you're full. Its like your days are full but you remain, most of the time, unsatisfied.
I don't have grudges - I just hope I'm telling the truth. But I know someone out there has a grudge on me. He thinks I'm selfish, self-centered child who never cares for anyone. But look who's talking!...He thinks I'm a spoiled brat, selfish, self-centered kid because if ever I've done him a favor, I don't take that favor with me forever... I've done it... then its done!!! Why should I talk about it in front of everybody just for them to complement me and say "Oh she's a good lass!" - I don't give a damn on it! But whenever HE gives me a little favor, he'll let the whole world know about what he has done... (so you want the complement???!!!... I'll give it to you - THANK YOU!!! - satisfied?).
Now tell me, who's selfish and self-centered? You always have your hidden agendas just to elevate yourself. Who do you think you're foolin'? - I can pretend that I don't know what's going on... but I know it man!!! I know it!... You know what?... you're not only selfish and self-centered, you're also damn numb and dumb at the same time for not realizing what other people have done for you. You always think we owe you a so much... but no!!! cause you're damn hypocritical noble man with a distinct feature of a hero with a rotten philosophy of a villain. No one knows your agenda - that's what you think... but I do!!! You can't fool me. I don't hate you... though I know you hate me... I just wish that you're not the person you are.
"I grew up the way many youngest children grow up, pampered, adored, but inwardly tortured!"
This is the anguish of a youngest child...
Its for everyone to read...
Its a MESSAGE IN A BLOG...

I Saw Judas In Heaven

It was during those aimless nights
I saw Judas from a distant sight
No! I wasn't in hell
Both of us were in God's cradle
"I'm in heaven...Oh my! I'm in heaven!!!"
He exclaimed as he put down his heavy laden
Then I shouted - "Why is he here?"
I asked God - "Isn't he an unforgivable sinner?"
Then God with His merciful eyes smiled
The sweetest smile that can touch you even you're from a thousand miles
I was then totally mesmerized
That I could hardly realize what the smile wants to emphasize
Then I saw Judas drinking the blood of Jesus
I was so mad thinking that he betrayed the one who saved us
After finishing the cup, he wander around
Blissfully listening to the angels' sweetest sounds
Then he met Jesus face to face
I was a bit far from them that I could hardly hear what they say
Then I saw Judas kissed Jesus
I was so mad thinking that that kiss betrayed the one who saved us
Then Jesus saw me from a distant place
He came near and looked at me face to face
Everything was so silent, you can't even hear a tinge of noise
That's when He whisphered to me with His sweetest voice
Jesus said - "I know what you're thinking"
He smiled and continued what He was saying
"It's not your place to judge others,
For it is me who will judge you and your fellow brothers"
I was so guilty that I started weeping
In front of Him I couldn't be sober, it was overwhelming
Then He embraced me with His most comfortable arms
It was so lingering that I don't wanna get free from its charms
Then He said - "Calm now my child it's time for you to go."
I looked at Him, then I just knew it's time for me to go
Then I suddenly realize I was back on my bed
But my savior's words still spin around my head
Yes, I dreamed I was in heaven
Just to learn something I don't know
So, is Judas forgiven?
You'll never know my dear!...we'll never know!

... I'm Just A Little Unwell

Well. Hello! I’m here in Cybermed… the place here in Medical Institution that is bounded with computers, and no one usually hang around here for the fact that medical students here are too damn intoxicated with their lessons and they just don’t have the time to wind up and check their E-mails perhaps. But I’m here killing all my time. Its cold here and the silence is making me deaf. All the lights are on and it’s blinding me… yeah! I’m kinda’ pathetic with this situation I’m in right now but….
I’m suffering more inside of me. Oh well! I may look too good knowing the fact that I’m deeply suffering from a terrible poignancy yet I can still walk with all that confidence as if the whole world is giving me more than what I want. Well, its for the fact that I believe that you should not let other people see you suffering cause…they’ll just pity you and that is one thing I don’t like them to feel towards me.
Actually, I feel sorry for myself, being me is simply being the great pretender living today. People think I’m damn stronger than I used to be but more than what they know is the fact that I know myself better than them and I know that I’m weaker than I used to be. Maybe because of the fact that I don’t show it off to them… you know... my anguish…. Cause whenever they see me, I always gives them the sweetest smile as if I’m not going through a very terrible poignancy.
I’m actually reading a really awesome book right now… its “TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE”… I’m not yet done with it but am really strucked by every word in it. It’s a sort of a bullet meant to seep inside my soul and it’s making me feel sorry and happy at the same time. Its telling me that I should let the people around me know that I’m suffering but I should not show it to them… in both face… I’m confused! I should not look weary about the situation I’m in, and yes! I’m not… but how will they know it? I have to say it in words… yeah! Action speaks louder than words and its really challenging to say everything through words only… cause words cannot say it all.
God knows me, God knows everything inside me, and God knows I’m not that good to see YOU this way. It hurts to know I’m helpless, but it hurts more to know that I’m depending on YOU. God forgive me if I would be disobedient to open my hand cause I can’t, I can’t let go right now… maybe later… 15 years later perhaps… or even more…but not right now! I don’t want to dream nor to be awaken into reality this time, its sad to know that I don’t know what I want this time. All roads are winding, all the lines are splitting, and all the lights are blinding… tell me… where will I go? Oh my! God… You should believe me when I say I’m not that strong yet to do the things I think you want me to do, You got to believe me when I say I can’t make it this time. I’m not quitting this game… but I need rest!