Surviving Christmas (Part2)
After 3 years...
3 years ago, I spent my very first Christmas alone. It wasn't that hard actually for me for the thought of being alone and being missed by my family on the holiday meal excites me before. No nostalgia at all. My second Christmas alone was almost the same with the first. The only difference was, I felt more grown up, I was getting used to this kind of life... work, work and work, and holidays doesn't mean a break. I thought I'm already used to this Christmas routine – working, forgetting the true spirit of Christmas, forgetting the big family celebration, I thought that a phone call was not that bad, I thought nostalgia was so far from my senses.
Then my third Christmas alone came... only this time, it is much colder.
To wrap up the whole year, I could say that I've done well with my job. Accelerated, promoted in so many ways but with every success comes a waterloo for my soul.
I seldom go to church anymore thinking that through my work, I'm doing my service (still) to God. That through caring for the sick people, I thought I'm caring for my soul as well. I tried so many times to convince myself that I'm right. My mind tells me I'm right but my heart knows I'm wrong. My attitude speaks my grubby soul. I'm no longer that Christian that I'm used to. I hate to admit it but it is true. I run out of patience easily, I always lose my temper, I can no longer appreciate simple things in life... this was not me... and I know the reason why.... it is because I wander away from my Shepherd. I am now the enemy of my own self. As I have quoted before... my days are full, but my life is empty.
This year, my brother spent his holidays with his business partners in New York leaving my parents spent the holidays all alone at home, and since this time I was not the only one who was not there to celebrate, the overwhelming absence of their two children is very much present. They never argue about it but I know I'm hurting them... and this time... I feel their pain. This time, nostalgia fills my senses. this is the price I pay for not knowing the right thing to prioritize. I'm so scared to lose without having a fall-back, but the cornerstone that I build for myself and the same thing I thought would cradle me became an abyss.
I know only God can help me now... but how? I can no longer hear His voice for I've wandered far enough not to hear His voice again.
“missing the me from You You gave to me, don't like the one I have created today...”
