The Pretty Warrior

It totally hurts...

But I can take it.

I have trained my mind

To be stronger than my emotions.

And I mastered it.

Because I am a Pretty Queen...

But I am also a warrior.

Broken Promises

Your promises are broken

Like bread crumbs on the floor.

But to my surprise,

Like bread crumbs...

It didn't hurt my feet

As I stepped into it.

I don't feel hurt.

I am not in pain.

Like I was looking forward to this day...

When it will be broken.

Like it was doomed from the very moment you made them.

And for every passing time,

It hardened my heart,

And it softened the sharp glass.

That when it finally fell to the ground,

And the pieces strewn everywhere...

It is less of a danger,

But just dust needed to be swept.

And for the fear of what you behold.

When I thought it was a weapon

Meant to hurt me.

All of it was just speculations

But nothing became real.

The weapon was but a foolish arrow,

Aiming for the air.

It didn't caught me

And nothing cares.

The stars don't spell your name no more.

They're just a ball of gas now.

The moon don't seem to echo my prayers,

It is just a satellite.

The sunsets don't remind me of the songs,

It is just beautiful to behold.

And I no longer wait for shooting stars,

They are just burning meteors across the sky,

Hoping for luck that they'll reach the ground

As meteorites.

And for all these times,

Love is all an illusion to carry me through my darkest times.

You were my anchor...

But now I have reached the shore.

 

Of Stars, Smokes, and Songs Unsung

 If the world did not happen...

Will you walk me on the streets of Oroquieta?

Imagine it is the city plaza,

And talk about Savage Garden.

If the world did not happen...

Will you take me to the sunrise,

Make me a cup of coffee with a smile,

While I tell stories about back then.

Back then in a show for no one,

A story of a guitar man with the one-night band,

Holding a bottle of beer and cigarette on the other hand,

While laughing with the stars, smokes and songs unsung.

In that show for no one,

I learned that some puzzles are bound to be left undone,

And all wounds heal but just in time,

And everything goes as the universe designed.

Waxed Angels and Plastic Saints

 For the longest time, I realized that I am a "Theist". 

I believed in God but not in religion.

It all started when I was in 4th grade. I was born with an Adventist mother and a Catholic father, but I grew up bearing the religion of my mom. 

When I was in 4th grade, my parents enrolled me in a Catholic school and there I learned Catholic teachings and beliefs. That was the time I questioned which religion is true?

Growing up I read a lot of books. I read books of Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Islam, Christianity, even the books Osho and other agnostic and atheist books, I read these books about theology and religion just to search for that one true religion, but I failed.

Sometime in college, I questioned a lot of beliefs in our local church. I questioned beliefs from other churches as well. And from then on I realized that all religions have these "commercial evangelism". They keep on convincing people that they are the true and right religion, focusing on gaining more converts to prove that they are the right ones, and for all these superficial holiness, I realized that they worship the religion and not God at all. 

So I turned my back to all religions.

I still pray, though. Every single day and night. I still read the Bible, but I also read Quran and the Teachings of Buddha and other theological books. I only take the teachings and lessons from their books but not from their religions.

And after realizing that, I believe that I became a better man, because my faith is not in any religion but with God.

Conversations at the Red Barn

 Did you practice being awesome?

Cause you're so good in it...

Like it is all in your veins...

OVerflowing.

And after twenty years 

I want you to know that I did my very best.

I tried so many times...

But it never made a difference.

And for the credit of His sign,

Of tossing a coin and sitting by my side,

I thought He'd be breaking my chains,

But all along He broke my heart.

All of His are broken promises.

Except for yours,

You never made one for me anyway.

You're never broken to me.

Like all the stories of one great love.

There you are slipping in my dreams.

Making conversation about the red barn.

And how you don't want to buy a house and a land.

There you are slipping in my dreams.

Touching my hair,

Making me a drink.

Until I thought I still care.

And so I woke up and realize

The feeling is all gone.

You're happy, I know that.

Living the Aussie life.

For so long I thought I'll be forever 

Locked in the twelfth of never.

But time has proven again it's mysteries.

And now I am healed completely.

I can no longer see you in my future

And in my present your presence is no longer a trancing lore.

You are only vivid in my past, and for twenty years you've been my anchor.

But now, I am my only savior.

Footnotes:

This is my story of unrequited love. But unlike all the many stories of one great unrequited love, mine differs, for it never broke my heart. 

Though I hoped for the tiniest spark that was never there, though I still hoped in spite of all the nothingness... My heart was never broken... Because I never expected anything.

I knew all along that it was never mine from the start. The signs were all there to show. All the "friendzones", the "just a friend from the youth organization", and the casual talks and smiles. I know my place from the start.

But Sometimes, love is just way much stronger than any rational and logical thing. 

But he did not broke my heart.

That is for the record.

It is one thing to get hurt enough not to be loved by the one you love, and another thing to get hurt because he has broken your heart. There's a big difference.

And for the record again, he never made a promise anyway, so there was nothing to be broken. 

My heart was in pain but it was never broken by him. 

And for all the memories I have, I only cherish the best ones. 

Because of him, my passion in writing, in photography, and in arts found its way again to me. 

As a kid I love writing, I love photography and paintings, but sometime in my process of growing up, I became estranged to my own passion. But because of him, I found my way back.

So there is nothing bitter about my unrequited love for I have learned so much from Him, from this love, from fate and faith, and all other thin lines that made this process a one beautiful journey. 

P.s. In a dream, I was talking to him about my dream house that is the red barn that never existed anyway. 😬 

Embers in Ashes

In my solitudes

I will find my ember in ashes.

Grasp that tiniest spark in the burnt.

Let the cold breeze ignite the spark.

To glow again and shine

Brighter than any artificial lights.

From the auburn embers I will rise.

 

 My Westlife Playlist 🎶🎵♥️♥️♥️

Working at home is much bearable with Spotify ♥️

The Colder Waters

Cheers to our fears!

For not crossing the borders.

Touching just the edges,

So we drink the colder waters.

We beg for decency,

Of lives we have to ruin.

Of hearts we can't help but break in.

Of souls we damaged.

Of emotions we plagued.

And for the rule of the last sign,

The one that resonates the yin and the yang.

The ripples from pebbles

That travels like unknown song.

Like the Sun, I am alone

Alone but shining the brightest.

And there I am looking fearless.

But deep within I am the empress of cowardice.

I live on the edge of the borders.

Drinking infinitely it's colder waters.

 

Music and rainy weather on a weekend. 😊🎶🌧️

Some days you don't feel beautiful

Some days you wanna change it all.

You don't understand it's plain to see

You're just the way you're meant to be.

I'd change the world and make it new

But there's one thing that I would not do.

No I wouldn't change a thing... About you.

But some day you wake up

And feel like you need love

You can't see your smile

Your eyes not the way that I do.

Don't ever feel worthless

Just know that you're perfect

And I'd change the world before

I change a thing about you.

Could you tell Orion for me that I still believe that the stars are aligned according to plan.

Cause it's raining in the city tonight.

And There are no stars at sight.

But Maybe your weather is different.

Just maybe you could do it cause after all...

We are still beneath the same sky.

Unsent Letters (Part III)

Dearest You,
Remembering you makes me forget why I have to choose.
The choices I made are still about to be proved to be good. 
Remind me to be who I was.
The lady in a dress and a gray backpack.
My casual cruel honesty made you my friend.
And my merciful sincerest lies hurt you and I.
Didn't we fall for that little while?
Or is it just me creating illusions of sweet smiles.
It hurts to think how you can read my mind but can't understand my heart. 
How can you end my lines but can't seem to know what's behind.
And I remember it too well the silly arguments that I know that you know that I know what's going on. And that you know that I know it all along, but I am the girl in denial playing dead.
And so you told me about my greatest talent... and I agreed cause I don't know how to lie.
And for the sake of being dead to you for so long now. 
I dare not resurrect myself for a chance of humiliation or rejection for the sake of my pride.
It is all I have.
I can't give it up. Not even for you. But I hope you understand the difference between loving someone so much and knowing that it is doomed.
For the sake of damnation, I keep my pride for good.
But that doesn't make me loving you less.
It is the greatest sacrifice that I have to make.
Everyday not choosing you even if I wanted to.
Everyday making you the least of my priorities even if I wanted to make you even for second.
Everyday ignoring your presence everywhere even if I wanted to run to you.
Everyday with all the cells in my body trying its best not to reach out to you even if I almost always do.
Those everydays of denying everything about you is the price I pay for my pride.
Don't tell me that pride is useless, cause if it is, what took you so long to let down yours?
I guess we are both the same. Paying the price of the pride of who is better in playing dead.
Til then, til death do I part.
I am a dead man anyway. 
I don't expect you to be there at my wake.
It is forgiven how you forgot about your promises.
They are meant to be broken anyway. 
I knew it from the moment you said it.
It is like I am just waiting for it to be broken all this time.
And for the record, I leave out all the bad memories and only look back on the sweetest ones.
That is how I will always remember you.
My Orion.
My Moon.
My Guide.
My Destination.
My North.
My Compass.
My Summer.
My Spring.
My Fall.
My Music.
My Sunset.
My Shooting Star... That never fell.

Love,
Me

Footnotes: 

Unsent Letters are series of letters written personally but is never sent. And in the hopes of it reaching the person addressed, I post it here.

For Unsent Letters (Part 1 and 2) link Click 👇

Unsent Letters (Part I)

Unsent Letters (Part II)

 Remind me again of who I was...

Believing in the beauty of just about anything.

So I trace back that one song that reminds me how to hold on when everything is falling apart.

And if all the world was perfect

I would only ever want to see your scars

You know they can have their universe

We'll be in the dirt designing stars...

And if all the world was smiling

I would only ever want to see your frown

You know they can sail away in sunsets

We'll be right here stranded on the ground

Just happy to be found...

(So Beautiful by: Darren Hayes of Savage Garden)

So Beautiful is actually my favourite song of all time. Though I have lots of favourite songs and bands and singers on my list, this song will always be my top 1.

So much love for the lyrics, I even planned to ink my skin with a phrase from the song. 

"And if all the world was perfect

I would only ever want to see your scars".

 But since the pandemic happened, I still wasn't able to do it. But I will still push it through, though.♥️

Unsent Letters (Part II)

Dear (Why Owe U),

I've been writing and writing about how I feel for you, and maybe someday all these letters will reach you in the most auspicious way. You may or may not know that they are for you. But at least they'd reached you somehow. But that is all for the hopes of it reaching you.

In the midst of all the epics and epochal circumstances that we had and never had, and all the epiphanies of prequels and sequels that we realized and never known. Here is what I thought.

As much as I don't believe in meaningless encounters, I don't trust fate either.

I believe that Destiny has it's way of cruel manipulations. Giving you a moment of bliss and peace, making all pieces fall in their right places, just to ruin it for the second you made yourself believed. Endless circles of rippling chaos, making you disheartened and not trusting again. Not to the person you love, but to destiny herself. As if she is jealous of all the love that hopeless romantics could give.

Maybe that's the price of being with eternity. The jealousy of not having just a lifetime. A lifetime to love just one completely. 

Maybe that's why she make it a point that everyone will love but not the right one right away.

She would make it hard until you just want to give up.

And I know in her most sharpest evil eyes, she's laughing on all of us.

Laughing on how naive we are. Doomed from the beginning but still do it and keep on doing it anyway. Punching the moon and hitting the scorching sun. 

And it satisfy her to see us miserable.

But I want you to know that as much as my pride wanted to soar high. I am trying to be friends with destiny. Thinking maybe I could please her or something, and maybe for that little illusions that I have, she might want to lift a finger for a chance of a happy ever after.

So much for my allusions.

But what I am trying to say is, if only I could have been braver, or more trusting, or Weaker? Maybe the story of us is different.

From the fragments of my memories of you, I always reimagining the simplest things. The silly arguments about "Anthony and Mace". How you keep on siding him. But I know exactly where you're heading. So I tried my best not to push you on the verge of confession, because I know I don't have the courage to turn it down as well when I knew all your plans, and the conversation we're having will ruin all your dreams ahead. It is the decency of merciful lies (as what Elijah said), that is my kind of love for you. The decency of merciful lies for you to follow your dreams without hesitation. The decency of merciful lies so you won't think about what I feel.

And maybe our story has ended a long time ago. 

But please don't ask why I am still writing sequels after sequels.

Just let me indulge in our story that never happened.

The creative fiction that keep on playing in every figment of my imagination.

Because there, in that littlest fragment of my version of our story, I have my happy ever after.

Til then, the book of fiction about you will continue to be written by me.

I told you before, I maybe just a page in your life...

But you are an entire book to me... Maybe even a trilogy.

Love,

Me 

Footnotes: 

Unsent Letters are series of letters written personally but is never sent. And in the hopes of it reaching the person addressed, I post it here.

For Unsent Letters (Part 1) link

Click 👉Unsent Letters (Part 1) 

Purple-Pink Skies

From the blues turning to purple-pink skies... 

Makes me smile and sing...

🎶🎵Time, mystical time...

Cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine

Were there clues I didn't see?...

🎶🎶🎵

Time, wondrous time

Gave me the blues and then purple pink skies...

🎶🎵🎶

And isn't it just so pretty to think

All along there was some

Invisible string

Tying you to me?

 Kill a demon today, face the devil tomorrow. 

-The Originals

All the Things I Never Told You

 All the things I never told you

Keep haunting me inside.

Banging the walls of my heart.

Echoing pain in my mind.

All the things I never told you

I could still keep it in the dark.

Ignoring the whispers of my instincts.

Wondering if death could break it apart.

All the things I never told you

Cause it might ruin the good past.

Though it already crashed the future.

I am still living in the momEnts of allusions.

All the things I never told you

Made you believed a lie

For the truth is hidden behind the words

I couldn't utter even in so many ways.

All the things I never told you

Made me regret it all again.

For how can I gain my freedom

When I am trapped with my own fears.

All the things I never told you

I would slip it in this verse.

That for all this time I never told you.

That my heart belongs to you.

Talking to Orion

 And for how many times did I write your name in the midnight sky.

Talking to Orion cause he's been my best friend since I was nine.

Asking him if he's a hunter or a butterfly.

And asking him again if he could make you mine.

I've grown older much this time

But I still talk to Orion like I was nine.

Still asking if he could make you mine.

Still writing your name in the sky every night.

Footnotes:

Orion has been my star since I was nine. I used to imagine him as a butterfly long before I've known that he is a hunter. I used to tell him all my wishes and my pains. He is indeed a best friend from a far. He keeps my deepest secrets. And I still do talk to him when I am sad and needed to just talk. I know it sounds weird but Orion makes me feel someone is actually listening. He is my star that did not fall. 

I Will Remember December

 

Sleepless nights makes me remember...

I remember December.

I remember the gogo dragon and  ceasar at KFC I used to order.

I remember them all too well.

But no longer the same.

I remember sitting by the bench at your back

Looking straight at your hair while listening to the talk.

I remember the more than one chance we sat side by side.

And the ride along Espana boulevard.

I remember talking about you with my friends.

I remember him tossing a coin for you so we could be friends.

I remember the rejection after seven days.

And how he comforted me for that heartbreak.

I remember when I thought I'll spend my lifetime

Loving you til the end of time.

But along with the coin as it landed.

My chance and my will to go further has ended.

I remember the blogging

And how I started posting my feelings.

How I wrote the song "Sepulchre in Your Heart"

And how it took me years to record it and let them hear the poignant parts.

I remember the smiles and the afternoon talks

I remember all too well how you walk.

But along with these memories something is missing.

I know in my heart the clock has been ticking.

Somewhere along my journey 

Something was healed indeed.

I still keep the coin pasted in my notebook

Maybe to remember how time changes the heart though not so soon.

But I will always remember December.

I will always remember all too well the verse.

But then came summer and stayed

And it made me look forward to this day. 

Signs and Prayers

 Here is a very inspiring story that happened a decade ago. 

This is the story of my friend.

A story of signs and prayers.

A story of faith.

It happened when we were still young and carefree. Full of hopes and dreams. When we were so promising and we keep on promising promises half our hearts. When we were still changing for what we thought was better. When we were still taking every chances and leaving all the risks behind. Back when responsibility was just to have our whims.

She wanted to study in UK, it was her dream at that time. 

To study photography and capture the beautiful England.

All the glitters in her eyes everytime she dreams of going to the big clock. To visit the Abbey. To just live her dream.

So I encouraged her to chase it and live it. 

After sometime, she asked God for a sign if this dream was for her. She asked everyday and every night for a sign... A white dove, that was.

But each passing day, no white dove has passed her way.

One day, out of her frustration, she told me about the sign she was asking to God.

I told her that she just have to keep her faith and surely God will give her the sign.

That night, I was about to sleep, she called me and with the most exciting voice she told me her story.

She said - "After our conversation today at work, when I got home as I was having a shower, I saw the soap I am using everyday. Guess what it is... It is a Dove soap. Guess the color... It is white. And for so long God already answered me. The white dove all along was just in front of me everyday, I was just too preoccupied to notice it. After I had my shower, I checked my email and guess what again... My Visa was approved. I am now going to the UK, bessie!"

Oftentimes, we overlook what's in front of us because we already have the picture of the answer to our question.

We already created the vision of what we think we wanted to see.

But faith works differently.

It creates a more intricate and intriguing loops and ripples for us to connect and to realize that the answer was there all along.

It happens that way because God wants us to have a beautiful story.

A story worth sharing.

A story that is inspiring.

After all, those twists make the story a so called Masterpiece.

Footnotes:

Based on a true story

For how many forgotten times did I punched the moon and the only time I got hurt was when I didn't.

 ...and for a moment I would like to stop. Stop fighting for a while and indulge in music. Get drowned by the lyrics and melodies til the world just disappear. And for a moment I will be fine again.

Every Paralleled Universe

 

I followed my head

And it led me to my heart.
I listened to my mind 
And it echoes the beat.
While everyone is telling me
To open up,
I have second thoughts.
Cause I can't even barely hold your hand 
In my dreams.
They say your heart needs to grow
So your soul again could glow.
But I can always use artificial lights
To lighten up my pride.
It's been years and counting
But I don't mind.
In every paralleled universe
The inevitable will always happen.
Will always be the same.
And in another thousand of years
I will always be in the side of time.
Not rushing,
Nor gushing,
Just gliding
With time.

Heaven in a Bitter Cup of Coffee

 

On a cozy Sunday Afternoon...

Sitting by my window...

The view of the city...

Sipping my 2nd cup of coffee...

While reading a book.

And I thought...

Life is a constant struggle...

So Spare yourself with this kind of moments.

Moments well spent with the company of yourself.

Tranquil.

Placid.

Calm.

Serene.

All the possible synonym.

To bask for a moment with music and good thoughts.

And for a moment of that beautiful solitude...

I tasted heaven in a cup of bitter coffee.

"Life is like a cup of coffee...

It's bitter, but still tastes good."

- O. Mann

Extreme

If there's one important thing that this pandemic stole from me, that is my peace of mind. 

Everyday I go through this anxiety and fear of who will be the next victim? 

And it is so tiring to overthink every second, everyday.

To think about my family, people around me, myself, my friends.

It is a constant battle of mind.

I've been trying to overcome these anxieties everyday but it is harder than I could think.

My faith is struggling to carry me through.

And sometimes I just wish I could talk to someone who could actually listen.

Because no one does it for me.

 Anyone could be the master of their own ships...
But You can be a lighthouse who guides the Masters.

Tales of the Haunted Chamber (Part III): The Last Journal in 1933

You have the eyes of a gazelle

And a laugh that I could hear for a thousands of years.

A smile that could end a war.

And for seven years I am in a battlefield of forgotten arms.

You gave hope a chance for everyone.

But I let you die in my own hands.

My reasons could justify my actions.

But my guilt can't forgive my vague treason.

But all my roads lead me back to thee.

I have this last journal in the year 1933.

For I will be catching my last train

Hoping it will lead me back to our dance in the rain.

After all his inspirational rampages

I am done with my cursed lineage.

We are redeemed by your mishaped grace.

With my death I'll be in your embrace.

Footnotes:

The Tales of the Haunted Chamber is a trilogy poetry that I wrote from the hearts of 3 characters who met each other in 3 different years and circumstances that made each of them decide for a moment and regretted for the rest of their lives.

Unrequited love, a forgotten lover, and a love that got away, respectively. All inspired by the prequel poetry about The Better Man.

Tales of the Haunted Chamber (Part II): The Dance in 1927

A dance in France in 1927

An art of chance that lasted by eleven.

I could have told you my name

If only you'd remember the same.

You don't need my forgiveness

Fate is to be blamed for this mess.

In my death I will set my haven in that dance in the rain.

For in my story You were never the villain.

I am your little wolf that came with a price.

But you took the chance even if the stakes are high.

Your memory will serve you well soon.

Until then I will watch you from the moon.

Footnotes:

The Tales of the Haunted Chamber is a trilogy poetry that I wrote from the hearts of 3 characters who met each other in 3 different years and circumstances that made each of them decide for a moment and regretted for the rest of their lives.

Unrequited love, a forgotten lover, and a love that got away, respectively. All inspired by the prequel poetry about The Better Man.