Thursday, September 30, 2021

Chances... Chances...

 My advise to myself today...
Since I feel like, sometimes, I am asking God for so many things but when He actually gives me the chance to have it, I start looking for alibis to refuse the chance, because oftentimes, I am scared to take the risk.

So note to myself today -
"Never ask for a chance you're not willing to take the risk."

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

92 Days Before Christmas

Phrasing all over again...
The decency of merciful lies.
For you broke my heart...
92 days before Christmas.
But then after 3 days ...
I look back to it,
It was not hurt at all.
Like I've been waiting for you 
To do it the whole time.
And I was prepared all along.

And funny how I no longer get frustrated.
And wear the darkest lipstick in my drawer.
Pouting and screaming inside like a rockstar,
Whenever I came out angry with things and happenings.

Cause like an old friend, long lost in time.
Unintentionally you loose contact with
But too ashamed to resume the conversations.
It was all forgiven and all too well understood.

It was all forgiven
And I understand.
My heart is too prepared
To get hurt now.
And when you finally showed me 
The true meaning 
Of what we call
"The Decency of merciful lies."
I thanked all the writers
And the clause at the same time.

For It was all forgiven.
Cause now I understand.

Footnotes:
Inspired by recent events in my life and from the quote of Klaus Michaelson -  "From all the poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on the pain of being the object of that affection. The truth is, Hayley, it's not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It's the decency of merciful lies." - The Originals

 

Sunday, September 26, 2021

Echo of Embers

 I sung about you not only once or twice now...
But still, you won't hear it.

And my voice is now loud and clear...
Cause I am tired now
Of trying.

And all my unending sequels
About untold stories
That never happened
Are about to end.
And not even an echo of embers will be left.

All will be blown to oblivion.

Emotional Maladies

Just when did you stopped 
Taming my demons?
Changing those halos to horns?
Leaving me deal with chaos?
Till I just get lost.

Just when did you start
Turning your sweet lullabies and stories
Into bedtime nightmares of worries?
Into sad and tragic and melancholic melodies?
And let me sleep with emotional maladies.

Just when did you decide
Turning my trust into doubt again?
Turning my faith into unknown bend?
Turning the confirmed signs into dead end? 

Just when did you suddenly
Turned your back on me?
From friends to strangers you flee.
Our destination don't look like they're meant to be.
Torturing my heart in agony.

 

Saturday, September 25, 2021

The First Day of Fall

 Every wrinkle, every gray hair,
Reminds me of beautiful summers.
Your love as warm as the sun...
A life lived full of loving arms.

But you have fallen on the first day of fall.
With the brightest autumn leaves you lost your glow.
But I will always remember your life like the sunsets...
Radiating beautiful colors in the midst of darkening silhouettes.

(For my Grandma ♥️)

Friday, September 24, 2021

Summers Spent with You

I will always remember How my childhood summers were spent in your house. How you would cook for us especially my favorite... Your fried chicken. How you would always treat me with sweets and chocolates every after meal, spoiling me like that. And how I always looked forward spending every summer in your house. I love your kitchen and your old chimney where I used to hide sometimes. I love how you would prepare my bed and how every waking day is like a feast of breakfast. And I remember so well  how worried you were one summer when I was left in the middle of arguing adults, and you just kept on shouting to one of my aunties to go and get me because you thought I was a fragile doll about to faint. Oh! I love you grandma always and forever.

The saddest part of my birthday is hearing the news that you're gone.

I will remember you grandma.

Rest in heaven.

E. L. I.

 

Don't ask me how much I love you.
Because I don't know.
I am not good in measurements.

So don't ask me how much I love you.
Because I don't know...
I just know that I do...
I do love you with all my heart and with all my life.

And thank you for accepting my cracks and bends.
I know you have lots of questions about us.
But you accepted long ago that I am a single mother and I am the closest thing you'll ever had as a father.
But you never question me anyway.
Somehow I think you already understand that there are somethings in life that are not whole... 
But definitely functional.
That is you and me.
That is us.

And thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally.
I never thought I am capable of such til there was you.

I don't believe back then that you can love someone even before you meet them...
But when I had you inside me, I already loved you eternally even if I haven't met you yet.

I don't believe back then in love at first sight...
But when you were born and I first laid my eyes on you...
I fell in love with you for eternity.

And I will always love you.

And I will always be your best friend.
Your painting buddy every weekend.
Your reading buddy every night.
Your music buddy every day.
I will always be your mother to take care of you.
And your father to protect and support you.
For the rest of my life.

You are the gift I have to open everyday even if it's not my birthday.
And I am forever thankful to God for giving me You.
Everything Life Is...
Everything Love Is.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

 Looking back when...
 My writing methods were still too historically framed and too young to be poignant.
Back when my words were still too innocent to be broken.
Back when my heart was too red to be bitter and too naive to not believe.
Back when my life was still too young to know everything that I used to think I can do just anything.
Back when youth was still my pride...
And... now with age comes wisdom, and I know there are still so much to learn.

My Cinderella Story (Not a Love Story)

This is definitely NOT a love story... 
But a story of how people come and go but nothing is arbitrary.
How some people, like just a stroke of brush on a canvas, could leave a permanent paint.

This is also a story of how first impressions, most of the time, never last.

This is my Cinderella Story.

I First met Ian during my Second year in college. But he looks so familiar like I already saw him for my Third lifetime.
Ian for the record was a heartthrob in our class, every girl would swoon when he smiles... But not me!
In a way, I hated him.
For me, Ian was an arrogant typical guy who only cares about his looks and how to get every girl in the class like him. 

It was on our Fourth semester, one sunny Sunday, I was wearing an old shirt from my Fifth grade, on the Sixth month of the year, around Seventh in the morning.
I went to the nearby bookstore to buy something, I can't remember now, when I suddenly broke my flip-flop sandals.
It was still so early in the morning that all the stores were still closed and thus, I can't just buy a new pair.

So I tried my best to walk home limping.

Then there was Ian, walking along the streets of Morayta, with a smile from ear to ear and approached me and asked what's wrong.
So I told him that I broke my sandals while walking home. 
At that moment I thought he would just laugh at me like he was the cool guy in highschool football team and I was the loser sitting on the benches.
BUT no! His expression suddenly become concerned and helped me walk to one of the nearest bench outside our university campus. He told me to wait for him there as he get my broken sandal and suddenly he was out of my sight.

For about fifteen minutes, I waited for him to come back.
Suddenly, there he was, walking in the streets of Morayta, with a smile from ear to ear holding my sandal.
He gave it to me and I saw that the strap was stapled.
He told me that he went looking for street vendors if they have a stapler so he could fix it. 
I thanked him and we went on our separate ways.

After that incident, I no longer hate Ian.
We became casual friends but not really that close. 
But I no longer hate him, and I no longer think of him as the arrogant superficial guy.
I finally saw the gentleman in him.

In a way, that was just a brief encounter but I wouldn't be able to reach home safe and sound without him...
Or maybe I would be safe...
But definitely not sound.

And for some reasons, that encounter changed my way on how I look at other people.
I became less judgemental.
I became more eager to know them first before I decide if they are good for me or not.
I learned how to give the benefit of the doubt.

And for so many years...
If that did not happen...
I wouldn't be here writing about brief encounters that made an impact in our lives.

Most of the time we are not aware of how those brief encounters could actually affect someone's life, someone's beliefs, someone's way of thinking.

The people we've touched and how we touched them leaves a permanent mark.
Even with just the slightest stroke of a brush, it could leave a permanent color on their own canvas.

And if we were to leave a mark...
Make sure it would be one beautiful.
If it hurts, make sure it becomes a tattoo and not a scar.

I don't know if Ian could still remember that incident along the streets of Morayta.
But it doesn't matter.
This is not his story anyway.
This is my Cinderella Story.

Footnotes:
Based on actual events.
Based on my real story.

Saturday, September 11, 2021


 ...but one day soon, I'll write my own too. πŸ™πŸ˜Š

I have to remind myself...
Over and over...
To continue believing...
In fairy tales and magics...
For only those who believe...
Will find it.


Friday, September 10, 2021

Us

There are somethings in life that are not whole... 
But definitely functional.
That is you and me.
That is us.


 

Monday, September 06, 2021

All Lives Lived

Someone once told me that all lives lived, either short or long, will always know pain.
But all those who lived could testify that hope, like waters, will always find its way in.

Sunday, September 05, 2021

Their Story

But sometimes...
I wanted to approach them, when he is alone, when she is alone. 
I wanted to ask what happened?
Why did they choose to wait until it is already too late?
Why did they not took the so many chances?
But I never dare even if every part of me wants to know their answers.
Because I don't want to get hurt and be broken by a story that is not even mine.

They are very good friends, and rumor has it, that they secretly like each other. 
And for 30 good years of friendship, still, no one has confessed their feelings. 
Is it fear, or pride, or whatever, that made their supposed love story so sad and so tragic, I don't know.
And now, they are both in their 50's...
Still friends...
The girl is still waiting...
And the boy is still afraid.

Of all the sad and tragic stories that people knew, it is not the unrequited one that hurts the most but the waiting game that sometimes become wasted time. 
And for the good things that comes to those who waits... Sometimes, it just become too late.
Footnotes:
Inspired by the 2 people I know who are very good friends, and rumor has it, that they secretly like each other. And for 30 good years of friendship, still, no one has confessed their feelings. Is it fear, or pride, or whatever, that made their supposed love story so sad and so tragic, I don't know.
And now, they are both in their 50's...
Still friends...
The girl is still waiting...
And the boy is still afraid.

 

Overrated Superstitious Belief

But love is an overrated superstitious belief. 
The beautiful lie that we hold on to to help us through the journey of seeking the truth about solitude.

And we all are just nursing wounds, scars, and hurts to feel love...
But it wasn't love after all...
Just mere attachments that reminds us of how it was.
Not because we don't want to forget...
We're just scared to become numb.

Saturday, September 04, 2021

The Commoners

But aren't we all but just commoners.

All the paths that lead to our destination is a battlefield.

And all we could ever do is to wear the best dress we can provide for ourselves.

So we could die looking like nobles, heroes, or royals.


Yes, aren't we all but just commoners.

Wishing, pretending, and hoping

To die like nobles, heroes, or royals.


 

Thursday, September 02, 2021

There are only two things that can make you leap...
Either Faith or Fear.

Before, I always take that leap of faith.
But now I am always scared because I don't feel safe. 
And I want to stop feeling scared but I can't stop it.
And the leap I take from the burdens of everyday is governed by fear...
I just want to feel safe again...
To leap again with Faith.

Wednesday, September 01, 2021

Wild Flowers

But like wild flowers
Freshly picked,
Given and received
With deeper meanings,
Pressed between the pages
Of a book
To preserve the memory,
To be always remembered.

But like the book
Placed in shelves,
Wild flowers pressed
Between the pages,
Left to dust...
And forgotten.