The White Flag

I am surviving my life… not living it. It is like a continuous saga of countless efforts and so I continuously ask God too… about the “why’s” in my life. The efforts that I continuously do everyday are now becoming a burden greater than my shoulder. My face smiles but my heart is broken because I can’t find answers, answers to my never ending questions to God, to everybody… to myself. I don’t want to cry a tear for this damn situation and so my tears are now welling inside my heart, and now, it is too heavy and my heart can no longer contain these tears. The pursuit of happiness is indeed a fact…. Maybe, even a gospel (in my own view), cause we keep on pursuing happiness in life and that is why we struggle to live, to survive, just for that damn happiness. I am mad at it! I am so angry at it! I wish I could see God, I wish I could hold Him, I wish I could talk to Him and hear Him reply back to me because I am too damn tired and sick writing all my damn thoughts and feelings on this blog. I want God to see my tears cause nobody sees it. I am mad but I don’t know whom I am mad with… maybe I am mad at myself. Maybe because I am spending too much effort in this life or maybe because I am counting all my efforts when it is not right to count it. When we want something, making the efforts to have it must NOT be a burden… it must NOT be counted. Efforts must be done with a happy heart and without expectations. So I am sorry because I’ve been counting all my efforts lately…. Blame my heart because it is now weary and tired doing all the efforts to survive this world, to fight for life, to be strong for life. And forgive my heart for right now it is waving the white flag. My mind is commanding it to stop beating. I guess life is way much peaceful on the other side. I guess I can find God there and see Him face to face. But then again… I guess God doesn’t want to face me yet… cause everyday I wake up and find out that the air still fills my nostrils… I am breathing. My heart still aches so I know I am still alive and there’s nothing much that I can do about it… cause if I can’t face God… then I have to face life. 

Poisons And Tongues

Lagi nating sinasabi na “ mahirap mag salita ng hindi pa tapos” pero ang masaklap at mapait na katotohanan ay pwede naman talaga tayong mag salita dahil wala naman talagang tunay na katapusan. Patuloy na iikot ang mundo, patuloy na meron mamamatay at mabubuhay. Pwede tayong mag salita pero ang totoo, takot lang tayong mag salita dahil takot tayo na baka hindi natin mapanindigan ang ating binitiwang salita. Hindi tayo takot sa salita... takot tayo sa paninindigan. Pero kung tutuusin, kung may lakas tayo ng loob na manindigan... kaya natin mag salita at panindigan ang bawat sinabi natin... at hindi na natin muli sasabihin ang kasabihang - “mahirap mag salita ng hindi pa tapos”.

PrO BoNo

Way back when I was in college, our professor in our thesis class asked us - “if you can change the world, where will you stand?”



A lot of answers were given by my classmates but our professor seemed to be not satisfied.


I got tired of hearing their answers so I raised my hand. Our professor called my name and I answered - “if I could change the world, I will stand at the minds and hearts of the people, I will win their trust first because the world is made of different people and it won't change if I change alone. I have to earn first their trust, and when they finally believe in me, we all could have a common goal of change and so the world will change. A/an technology/idea not applied is useless, and technology/idea could only be applied if people will use it. And people will only use it if they believe and trust in it.”


Silence covered the whole class for a while then suddenly the bell rang for our next class.



Trust is something we always wanted to have but we cannot easily give. It is something that is asking for a proof... but what if there's something that cannot be proven? How can you trust? How can you believe?



So there goes faith. Faith is something more profound, more delicate, a higher form of trust. The highest form of believing.



This is the lesson God wants me learn. To have faith in spite of unbelief and betrayals. To have faith in spite of rational hopelessness. To have faith in spite of unfaithfulness.


The faith that believes that I can do the impossible. The faith that hopes even in the most hopeless situation. The faith that challenges fate until it accepts its defeat.



I've gone too far to return and even farther to quit... but I don't believe he had brought me this far just to leave me.


In God I trust!