Boy!... next door?... next floor!

This is a story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world.

There’s a flat and it wasn’t the boy next door but preferably next floor.

Was the first move so loud that it built a bridge to silence?

Then the silence gets louder everyday that it could make everyone in the flat so embarrassingly notice it.

Who was to blame?

Why do we always seek fault to other people around and do not find the fault in ourselves.

Blame me if there’s no one to blame ...but think again.

Second thoughts disturbed you… disturbed her… disturbed me.

Keep on disturbing us...

No way I’m wishing for a shining star to fall.

I’m not that rude… not that frustrated…but…

But at least I’m worthy to at least know the right and true answer.

Don’t give me the feeling that I will only believe in.

One sided as usual.

Or is it different now… only in a much bitter way.

So just a thought of it make me smile… nope… actually make me bitterly laugh…

Sense humor, right?

God did this whole joint to us… He wasn’t playing a dice when it happened… He just had a great sense of COMMON and a much greater sense of humor.

This is a story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world… and she’s laughing.

Navy Blue

Would you choose the one who could bring out the best in you…
Or the one who could love the worst in you?



Would you be satisfied with the one who hurts you but lets you grow…
Or the one who heals you but do not mind if you never grow at all?



Would you be happier to give than to receive?



Would you trade your lifetime for eternity?



Would you trade the years for a moment?



Would you let go of the ideal for the right one?



Would you dare to hurt someone to love someone?
… would you dare to hurt the one you love?
… would you dare to hurt the one you used to love?



Would you see the darkness in the blinding light?



Would you hear the sound of the deafening silence?


Would you accept the acceptance?


Would you remember if you already forgotten?


Till then… I would.

Could It Be Any Better... Bitter... Harder...

Aside from my full time job as a medical practitioner... I still have to make extra effort as a part time editor.
I say I enjoy complications and wrecked schedules. Hitting every deadline on the nick of time. This is my life.

Double Jeopardy

Do U Read Planetareans?(Part 2)

They say that the cure for love at first sight is to take a second look… but closer.

I swear he did…

But I’m not so sure if he was healed.

Am I healed?

Does it worth the keeping?

Or am I worthy for it?

Do we worth the keeping?

Is the grass greener on the other side…?

I’m on the other side.

Do we worth the keeping?... when silence is getting louder everyday…

Do we still worth the keeping?

P.S. Is there anyone out there who could decipher the cipher? (Oh! Lame Saint)

Roaming Gospel (Part 2)

I’ve been putting a lot of effort to write something about preaching the gospel in different ways. Since I have to admit that am not really active INSIDE the church, I do not go in front of everybody and talk about God, I just go to church, sit on one corner and listen to the preacher. So they call me (us) “INACTIVE”. But I would like to clarify things not to defend myself nor redeem myself because God had redeemed me already more than anyone could ever know.

I preach the gospel in my work place. They know me as a Christian and they recognize it in my attitude towards everything and anything and everyone and anyone.

I’m indeed very happy to share that one of my co-league had changed a lot since I talked to her about living the Christian way.

This is exactly my point… that preaching is NOT limited inside the church only. Am I ringing the bell?

I’m writing this not to defend nor redeem myself but for those who belittle other church goers who just sit and listen… I am their voice. We are preachers in our own right… in the name of Jesus Christ.

Do U Read Planetareans?

Time… it is still the old feeling of being forgotten. Being left out in the midst of the raging battle you are racing with. Coping for tomorrow but not finish with the day.

Fear… it is still the old feeling of insecurity. Being doomed in a space without corners. So scared to loose hence never gained a thing. So scared to fall and might not get up again.

Life… it is still the old feeling of living. Being old and grey while new things sprout everyday. While everything moves around everywhere, you are caught in the middle. Caught in the middle of a play not knowing your part.

Pain… it is still the old feeling of poignancy. Being bitter by the sweet memories. You live in a garden without a flower, like a summer without the sunshine. It is like living always in a snowy weather but it was never a Christmas.

Time… it is still the old feeling of reminiscing every moment.

Is the clock broken???

Patience remains a virtue.

Behind Those Smiling Eyes

With all the things I’ve done… with all the right things I’ve done… I must have done something really, really wrong to suffer this bitter poignant nothingness.

Though amidst the pain, I still find reasons why I’m here. Being so incomplete is God’s plan for me so that I won’t stop dreaming, I won’t stop working and I won’t stop striving to achieve those yonder dreams.

The lesson behind every poignant truth and the reverie behind every sweet tear.

It is all in heaven’s plan.

Bright Side

The bird says – “I maybe small but I can fly.”

The horse says – “I may not able to fly but I can run.”

The turtle says – “I may not able to run but at least I can walk, I’m not destined to crawl.”

The snake says – “I may not able to walk but at least I could crawl, I can move from one place to another.”

The tree says – “I may not able to move from one place to another but at least I’m standing tall.”

The grass says – “I may not be standing tall but at least I’m alive.”

The soil says – “I may not be alive but at least I’m fertile.”

The water says – “I may not be fertile living underground but at least I could flow.”

The coral says – “I may not be able to flow but at least I’m beautiful.”

The man says – “???”

If only man could appreciate these things…

P.S. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning when these things suddenly popped up inside my head. Good thing, I always had my pen and papers underneath my pillow, with that I could write even in the most holy hours of sleep.

Snowed In

Just added another year to my life and I’m celebrating this day with my blog. I’m alone but I’m not feeling lonely. As a matter of fact, I need this time badly. It’s been a while since I had spent time alone and awake. I’ve been spending so much of my energy to may work recently and though it gives me that self-fulfillment, I still needed to catch up with my life as a whole.

A couple of years ago I spent my birthday in the four walls of the hospital and my co-interns back then surprised me with a birthday party at exactly midnight inside the Pathology Department. This time, I again spent it inside the four walls of the hospital with my interns and co-leagues at the Department of Pathology. Last week, my other interns also surprised me with an advance birthday bash since they are not on duty on the exact day of my birthday. So might as well celebrate it in advance. That is the one thing that I have that my other co-leagues inside the Patho Department does not have - the warm thoughts from the interns.

So I thank everyone @ Pathology Department for the warm thoughts and to those resident doctors who came by to sing the birthday song for me.

So now, let’s have the roll call…

Since I’m now in my early 20’s, I could say that I’m a half-full pitcher (I don’t want to be a glass, I want a pitcher). I’m half way to my destination. My dreams now are half-fulfilled, my ambitions are now half-achieved, and my aspirations are now half-realized. I’m a restless warrior trying to keep the burning torch alive because I am the young apprentice of life.

I have to strive to fully make up for the other half so that when I reach the olden age, I could look back and cruise back in time with a full life. I have to make this journey worthwhile so that when the golden years is already at hand, I could look at myself in front of the mirror and I could only sigh with a smile knowing that those lines on my face and those withered white hairs are just a proof of a soul who had seen better days, a life who had touched others and made a difference, a walk on earth that worth every fight.

So I greet myself another happy fruitful worthy year.

P.S. Wish list: It always ends up to that one thing. The hope of the hopeless, or should I say… the only hope. The writer of the script, the director of the play, the author of the book of my life… the finisher of my faith. So be it. Amen.

September Rain

I feel odd... because I hear Christmas songs everywhere I go.
But I should not wonder knowing that the "Ver months" had just started.
I call it ver months ever since I was a kid to give a much heavier emphasis on its pronunciation.

... chestnuts roasting on an open fire

... jackfrost nipping at your nose =)

Conspiracy

Conspiracy 101:Heaven's Little Secret

Conspiracy 102:The Old Book

Three years ago, my big brother was preparing for his CPA board exams. During that time I was still in third year college. I dreamed one night that Nostradamus gave me a little handy book, a very old one that has all the formulas of life. It was actually a kind of a weird book that I could hardly explain how it looks like. In my dream, I was trying to give that book to my brother but I was not able to do so just before I woke up. Unfortunately, my brother did not make the board exams. I told that dream to him after he had recovered from his failure.

Last year, I was the one preparing for my Medical Technology Board exams and my brother told me that since the book in my dream is still with me, he told me that maybe I will pass the board exams. Fortunately I did. But I believe that passing that board exams was not actually because of the book in my dream but because God helped me.

The dream occurred again to me this time but in my dream, I gave that book away to someone I never knew.

I guess I have to share the hidden credenda of that old book I have kept in my dreams for 3 long years.

So I fare thee well with a grateful heart.

Workaholic

My boss left for a whole week vacation in Macao, so now I’m missing her… because the whole weight of our work is on my shoulder. Hahaha! And also to add the fact that the level of toxicity inside the Pathology department is at its peak… I’m rushing everything on the deadline. But I will get by… I know. I hope so!



In memory of the World Trade Center Attack years ago… oh! For Christ sake! What is so wrong with these people?

Triumph Of Defeat

In the event of losing everything invested in earning a name
In exchange for doubts and of noble shame
For the sake of something I have to fight
For doing what is really right.




It is in the moment I lost my prestige that I obtained respect
In the moment of losing my honor I gained dignity in every aspect
In the moment of lies I’ve known the truth
In the moment of autumn springs forth fruit.



In the midst of betrayal I earned trust
In the midst of war I’ve found peace at last
In the midst of chasing away that glorious fame
In the midst of knowing what worth the pain.




For most they thought I just gave up everything
But the prize I say is more than anything
For some they call it stupid
I say it is the triumph of defeat.

Grill Or All Vague : Part 2

Canst thou seeketh something not lost?

Canst thou findeth something not hidden?

… then I’ll get myself lost underneath the deepest abyss,

… I’ll hide myself beneath Thy glorious wings.

That thou mayest not see,

… maybe then, thou wilt seek; thou wilt find me.

Fiction

Fiction... wonder why I posted this with this title.

I dreamed about this. And though I don't actually have anything to blog about...

Well, if you think I'm just another face in the crowd... think again because I know all your riddles.

I'm a fact... in a mask of a fiction.


P.S. You hurt me again... with your DOUBLE.

Get it?
Doubt it!

Na Margem Do Rio Piedra Eu Sentei E Chorei

I’ve heard about this book 3 years ago and for that 3 long years I searched for it wondering what was in that river and what was the cause of the weeping.



Then my search came to an end. I could only realize that it was just a book, but I waited for 3 long years just to read it… just to finally have it. And it made me realize, for all these years in my life, I’ve always been there at the river Piedra sitting and weeping.



I sigh briefly knowing how those years seemed to be just so yesterday. How everyday seemed to be so routinely passed by without anything new, no changes at all. But when I look back to all those years… everything is different.



“Patience is a virtue”. I’ve been known by this simple phrase and it is not just because I always quote it everyday but because I’m living with it everyday. Maybe waiting is not so bad, at least if you are sure that what you are waiting for is there at the end. But to wait without any guarantee, to wait without any assurance is an agony you get through everyday. You would dream that each breath you take would be your last. You live one more day and die at the same time. And all those lessons you have learned from your olden memories are just foolish thoughts in the mind of God. But that is the other lesson, I guess. To trust God completely when the road seemed to be so endless and the unknown is what is in the end.


But how long is forever to someone waiting in vain?



So by the river Piedra I sat down and wept… but still waiting… still hoping.


P.S.
I wonder how many people already went there at the river Piedra and wept.
I wonder if they only came to weep.
I wonder if there are some who came by for joy.
I wonder how much tears were shed that made the shallow river once became so deep.
I wonder how the river endured all the emotions shed to her.
Did that made her cold?... cold waters of the river Piedra.


P.P.S.
Even the book cried… so I smile.

Magic Moments

I’ve been told that we should not let those “magical moments” in our lives pass us by without noticing it. That is the reason why I have to blog about that moment of my simple fame for such overwhelming complement for my humble work.



I wrote an article a week ago and humbly post it without any intention to seek any attention from any reader out there. But to my surprise, someone left me a note in my e-mail saying that she admire my article and she even featured my blog in one of the most known and widely-visited website.


Later did I’ve come to know that she is a movie producer, a script writer, a journalist/columnist in one of the most prestigious and most-read newspaper around the country and she works in one of the biggest network in the local television.



I post this not to boast but because this is one of my “magic moments” in life that I wanted to remember forever. And when the olden time comes and I would look back to all of my previous posts, I will remember that flickering moment of honor where I could stop my memory for a moment and relive that euphoria of simple compliment to my humble work.

Ordinary People

One of the exciting things about my profession is the fact that we could meet and get along with big people… I mean “BIG”. For one reason, it’s because even those prominent politicians, those super models and those superstars do get sick too.



I could say that I’m fortunate enough be chosen as one of those private medical technologists that could meet those “Biggies” both in the political world and show business. And because of that I am able to meet them face to face, enter their own mansions, ride their own private luxury cars and somehow be protected by their own private body guards like I’m one of them.



And at the same time, I’m learning a lot of things from them. And somehow they made me grasp that impeccable reality that everybody is just ordinary people.

No Other Flower

“… for there will be no other flower like her.”

-(A Love Story)-

Just the other day, we watched the movie “A Love Story”. This is actually a late post since I’ve been planning to write something about the movie but my time won’t allow me. And since today I was not able to go to church because of the storm, finally, I was able to blog this.

Well, I’m not really so much in to local flicks to tell you honestly and I had no intention to watch that movie either at first. But since all of my co-leagues at work are dying to see that movie, I ended up going along with them, and to be honest, the movie really got straight right in to my ego like a bullet just seeped into my nerves hitting me from the very core.

It is indeed a love story so as not to go farther from the title.

I could quote some of their finest lines that touched me so much.

Karyn (Angelica Panganiban), the wife, when she finally met Joanna (Maricel Soriano), the other woman, quoted – “I may not be the perfect wife but I never cheated my husband because I love my husband.”

I believe that faithfulness is the very core to prove your love to someone. Just as what is written in the bible – “You can never serve two masters at a time for you will either love the other and hate the other.” Same with marriage, faithfulness is the best way to prove your love to your other half.

Another nice lesson from the movie was the story about the flower. In here, the father of Ian Montess always reminds his sons that they should never pick a beautiful flower if they will just play, and tear and will throw it after, and just like in relationship/marriage, they should never get a girl just to play, tear and throw her after because… “… there will be no other flower like her.” Nice one. Hope everybody could digest that thought.

Forgiveness is another lesson. From the story, Ian Montess (Aga Mulach) was so mad to his father because there was a time when their mother left his dad and went away with other man. And after 14 years of broken marriage, the wife (Ian’s mother) went back to their father asking for another chance, and their father forgave her immediately like nothing had ever happened before. Like nothing was ever done, like there was no damage at all.

You see, Ian could hardly understand how could his father forgive her mother so easy. And his father said – “… it is because of LOVE.”

But how deep is such love that could forgive even the most hurting sin? Then I remember Jesus, who, because of love is ever willing to forgive even the most filthy secrets.

In the final scenes of the movie, when Ian (Aga Mulach) and Joanna (Maricel Soriano) decided to finally end up their wrong relationship, it was then when Karyn (Angelica Panganiban) decided to set Ian free. She quoted her last lines saying – “… all those times that I fight for you made me realize how much I love you… but we have to grow…”

I wonder just until when we should fight for love? I believe that in marriage, it is not just a right but also a duty, a responsibility of a couple to fight for each other. But what about those love not yet bound in marriage?... is love not worth fighting for?

In every twist of the story, I can’t help but sympathize with Karyn (Angelica Panganiban); she was an exact epitome of a wife wounded by her own love. Her ego, her pride was stolen and was hurt and so sad that the hostile hands that made her bleed inside was the same man that promised her love – her own husband. But love…

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away." (1 Cor. 13)

Love never fails. so as the story reached the end, Ian told her wife that what she had fight for was not a failure.

indeed it is ... "A Love Story".

P.S. In some ways, I believe that their game of asking questions and answering it with another question somehow saved their marriage. That is to my reckoning.

Beatitude

Blessed are the Shallow for they shall never drown;

Woe to those who are Deep for they shall struggle to survive.

Gospel In Medicine

“We are the one chosen to explore the microscopic world. We look beyond what the naked eye could see in the world of reality. We inject pain but we extract the truth.”

- Medical Technologists -

As far as I’m concerned, I believe that we (the Medical Practitioners) have the most dangerous job existing in the planet of humanity. You might think that I’m only exaggerating things owing to the fact that everybody believes that the most dangerous thing to do is to go to the battlefield like those soldiers; but no one has ever told about the war inside the edifice of a hospital. The war between life and death. The war in every edge of every breath held by the palms of those Medical Practitioners where every second counts.

I say, it is the most dangerous job NOT ONLY for the fact that we risk our own health because we communicate very closely to anyone even to those people who have the most deadly complications, and thus, we risk our own lives even worse that those soldiers in the battlefield who could just die with just a wink of an eye. But to risk your health is like a death of a slowly decaying body while you breathe every stinging feeling of poignant plague of disease.

Aside from risking our own health and our own lives, our job itself is at risk because at any moment of mistake done, our license, that piece of paper that holds our integrity for the said job, that piece of paper that we had strived for to have… we studied hard… hard enough as anyone could hear upon our lips just to earn our degree and pass the National Board Exams, that piece of paper that proves the battle that we have survived thru could be revoked from us. It is our responsibility to be perfect because in our work… “There’s no room for mistake”.

And above all these, the most dangerous part of our job is when other people’s lives are the ones at risk in our own hands. If it would only be our lives “alone” it would be much better. But to risk even the lives of those people you don’t even know, those people you barely know at all, those strangers and those innocent children… it is far more dangerous than risking your own life, I tell you.

The lives we save are NOT just their lives but also our own lives. We don’t just save lives but we spare souls too by giving then another chance to live and make up for the things they took for granted before. We are God’s soldiers for the inevitable fragility of life.

My work is NOT JUST my profession…

IT IS my SALVATION.

Sweetest Downfall

"You are my sweetest downfall... I loved you first... I loved you first..."

I was singing this song with the wrong lyrics and unknown melody... but the funny thing was... someone's ears were captivated and even proposed to arrange some gigs for me like he had just discovered the next big thing to conquer the music industry. Hahaha! But I am really not that sure if I should grab that opportunity owing to the fact that I was once a frustrated rocker who wanted to made it in to the music business but never even tried to because I criticize my own music. I call that lack of confidence but time will tell if I should shift into another carrer and pursue my passion since childhood. If my guitar could talk maybe it can tell me what to choose.

Dancing In The Rain

Life is a two sided road – the joy on one side and the pain on the other side. Let us face the fact that life won’t give us sunshine everyday. And more often that not, life pours on us heavy rains and with all those chilling winds. But it is God’s will that life won’t give us just sunshines but also heavy rains because God wants us NOT ONLY to smile when we see the sun shining brightly on our way but also to appreciate the gloomy rain and to learn how to dance under it – that means, even in the midst of bitterness of life, we should learn how to STILL appreciate the brighter sides and still praise and thank the Lord in spite of the poignant reality that bites and stings us in everywhere it could.



So whenever you find yourself under the rain… learn to dance… and when the coldness of the winter strikes you… learn how to skate and make snow man… learn how to feel the joy deep within even in the midst of the chilling and killing snow – hope you get the point.

On The 25th

People especially those who are close enough to me thinks I’m a weirdo in so many ways because of the things I naturally appreciate… even the most unnoticed things around.



I confess I am…


Here are some weird things about me…


1. I appreciate and enjoy the mere sound of the cracking manual typewriter or the light sound of the keyboards of the computer in the midst of deafening silence inside the room. Yup!... For me it is music.
2. I would notice a cooked fish’s face first before I started to eat because I believe that there’s always a story behind every cooked fish fried in our kitchen.
3. I could watch the rain the whole day… I mean the whole day and sympathize with the sun as it desperately forces its rays to shine forth behind the thick clouds.
4. I could watch the line of those ants with so much enthusiasm.
5. I get mesmerized by the traffic lights and personally think that it is very relaxing to just sit inside the cab and watch it as it changes its colour.

… and the recent weird thing I did was, I walked the whole road of España boulevard just to count how many stoplights are there on the vertical horizon of the road.

Here’s the trivia… all in all there are 25 stop lights excluding the side lights leading to another road.


Isn’t it weird?
Isn’t it strange?

And thus the title of this post derived.

The Struggling Lonely Knight

Its at these moments when I feel so all alone in the battlefield, struggling though tired, to fight the faceless crowd of beasts and of heartless warriors of the dark forces, that I wanted to quit the battle, runaway somewhere, hide and cry. But I’ve kept within me Your words “I’m your shelter, I’m your strength, I’m your shield as you battle in the field alone. I’m your Shepherd and you are my beloved sheep. And though you walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will be there for you, to comfort you, I will never let you go, I will never leave you.”

Amidst the darkness as I march down the aisles of hell, God’s hand is holding me. Though I don’t really see Him in the midst of the dark, I feel His presence even more in this living hell I’m lost in.

I’m trusting You enough to break me because I know You alone can remake me… make me whole again. To bear the name of a real “Christian”, to be worthy to be call a “Christian”. In this sweet sadness… this glorious defeat for Your name… You alone be honored, loved exalted and no trace of “I” be found.

As I hold on to Your promise… You’ll never let me go.

Amidst the gloom, I still say… To God Be The Glory! Amen.

Roaming Gospel

I wanted to stand and speak and be the voice of those silent, misunderstood good people. Please don’t get us wrong. It hurts when people think you don’t care and judge you even when they don’t even know even just a piece of you.

The fact here is this… inside the church, people there are the so called “Christians”, they are the good flock. Now, there’s nothing wrong in nourishing these good lambs but I believe that far more than that, we are ought to seek the lost lambs, and those lost lambs aren’t found inside the church (hope you get what I mean). They are out there somewhere – lost. DON’T EVER think that those church members that aren’t that active inside the church belonged to what they so called “I DON”T CARE – Ministry”, because far more than what you think you know, they are spreading the Gospel in their own way.

Just imagine if all of us are so dedicated BUT ONLY inside the church, so active BUT ONLY inside the church… who will be there to seek the lost souls outside the church? How about them?

I say, Gospel should NOT ONLY be preach inside the church, IT should be EVERYWHERE. It should NOT ONLY be expressed in words BUT ALSO in actions and in deeds.

Some may not be that active inside the church, they might just sit at one corner and keep silent but who knows how this silent Christian preach the Gospel in his/her workplace/school/etc.? He/She might just be just another face in the crowd inside the congregation but who knows how he/she helps other people and seek for the lost souls outside the church vicinity?

I say… we preach the Gospel NOT in church BUT in our homes and workplace. We preach the Gospel NOT for the good lambs BUT for the LOST SOULS. We preach the Gospel NOT JUST in words but through our actions and deeds and the way we get along with our neighbor… even to the non-believers OUT THERE.

So to those who think we are a bunch of people who do not care about winning souls for the Lord just because we are not that loud inside the church… why don’t you peep us outside the church and see how these silent Christians preach the Gospel... and then you will know that we DO CARE.

OUTREACH IS ABOUT REACHING OUT-SIDE TO BRING THEM INSIDE.