Smashing Pumpkins

I’m not sure if I’m living my life the way I should live it.



It’s damn eerie to feel this way. It is hard to leave but harder to be left out. It is hard to think but harder to realize that somehow, another bygone year will pass you by with so much to live for but nonetheless without a single reason for it.



It makes perfect sense to think that none of these make sense at all.



It is hard to wait but harder to anticipate.



And so poignancy strikes back again yet life must go on.



Let me tell you a story about “it” and the “other” it.



Both have their own little way of similarities with each other. They have the same kind of windows that open wide yet black curtains hide what is within.



Both have the same color, the same width and perhaps even height.



Both play the same kind of game, though the “other” it strikes better to my reckoning, but that is because I haven’t seen the “it” playing it yet.



The “other” it looks better in regards to other’s reckoning and somehow, I agree. But there’s something about “it” that makes me flinch back against the wall and stay just in between both of them.



They play hard but I play harder since this game isn’t just that kind of game were someone wins and the other lose. It is a survival of the fittest and the weaker ones become the prey of the ultimate survivor.



But nonetheless I have to admit that in a way or the other, I am the weakest link, though.



If I could I would just hide away and live my life in the simplest way it could be. But then again, if I did that it would be the most haunted days of my life and if I live yet another year or years that would be the same as living in hell for eternity.



There’s something about that game that kept me playing it over and over. It is one thing to play the game, another thing with whom you play it, and another thing on why you play it. Nonetheless, all the smiles are actually twined with that feeling of hollowness inside your soul begging for something that could fill in the empty spaces.



They say it is hard to live in a world so small that you can no longer move enough.


But I say it is harder to live in a huge world, so huge that eventually you’ll realize you’ve lost yourself. Worse, you’ve lost it in your own world.



Anyway, if losing myself means finding “why-owe-you”… it worth it, though…
That is to my reckoning.


By the way… I’m missing both.


Ciao!!!

The Chosen... First

It was a tiring week. So much for my hectic schedule. I go to work early but then still, I have to reserve extra energy for my dance rehearsals every after work. So I end up going home very very late but that did not change my early-waking routine every morning. But it worth it… hmmm… I believe so. Anyway, I really cannot help myself to believe that it was “_____”. I just cannot force myself to realize that finally I gave it away to someone not even in my wildest imagination I reckon I could give to… okay… I’m just overly reacting, to think that it was just actually a half … or even practically really nothing, though. But my point is that, I wanted to give it to someone as a whole but now, I don’t think I could anymore, as a matter-of-factly. Sad… but fun… hahaha!!! (Kidding!). Will someone give me a good reason why I was chosen? Because it is something I could hardly let it sink into my mind. But then again, let’s be friends, though! Ciao! 

RaiNy DaYs AnD MoNdAy

It was a rainy manic monday. The December wind started to blow and just as I thought it will get worse... unfortunately I was right. The sun did not shine this morning and the rain soak me on my way to work.





Since it was monday, as what I anticipated, the day was a little bit boring and gloomy... because interns are not around every monday. It is actually a sort of their day-off. So I looked forward to the end of the day knowing that I still have an appointment after work.





I stayed a little bit late at work... (though I am not payed for that over time) because someone has to fetch me so that we could actually work again on some other stuffs for the up coming Christmas party. But then again, the meeting was cancelled and so I have to go home tired and disappointed with all these stuffs I tried to work out with the whole day.




But then, it was somehow a "great" day because we were not toxic at the laboratory and I was pretty much in a good standing with my bosses. So I call it a DAY!

Last Dance With Courage

It has been a good year but then, I’ve got a funny feeling that the sweet beginning might just turn out to be sour… I just hope not, though.


This is my last dance with courage for this year – facing my critics.


Some say my critics are mad at me because their insecurities sprout within them that bright green color of jealousy. But I think it was my fault, though. But then again, I need to be understood.


Everything matures… eventually. Why can’t they just wait for me? Isn’t it that older people are wiser? And since they are wiser, they should understand the nature of the young ones. But then again, maybe… just maybe, the world has changed, and now, it is the young ones who try to understand the older and wiser… now who is wiser?


I know I’ve got a long way still, and you know that too, that is why I expect you to understand that I’m still in that critical stage of metamorphosis. Why can’t you wait for my transformation… everything matures… eventually.


It is their insecurities that made them fear me. They see their own reflection in me and they fear that one day I will replace their throne in the hearts of the “others”. They fear their own ghost when in the first place they created their own ghost, their own monster. Now they fear their own reflection, their own monster, their own ghost. But then again, it is me who try to secure them of who they are.


I tried to please everybody and I end up wounded. Maybe because it was my own volition to please them and in a way or another, it was not my intention to please God when in the first place, it should be my priority.


But then again, in a way or another, it is my intention to please God somehow. But maybe He got a plan which I can’t figure out yet. Maybe sometimes in our lives, we are not meant to understand the will of God and all we could actually do is trust Him knowing that He knows what lies beyond the bend of the road.


Try to please everybody and I tell you, they will not be pleased. They will just hate you for being too nice, not that they hate nice things but because they actually feel guilty because of you. Soon they will throw all those spitballs at your back or even right off bat before your eyeballs.


Sometimes people are just too hostile even when you reach out to them with a very warm shoulder.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded. Period.
But then again, do the right thing, though. Even if it means being a little bit lower than who you are supposed to be.


I’m losing this battle. I’m losing my everything. And it is a sure defeat. And the only way to win is to twist my fate. But the power is not mine.


And it is my prayer that God will twist my fate with His own fingers.


All these time I’ve been dreaming. But I realize it wasn’t a fairy tale I was dreaming about. Not a happily ever after but a reality tangible enough by my own hands. It is the reality I’m dreaming of for so long, sensible enough to my soul.


The truth amidst all the lies that bound me. Fairy tale is a lie. And I can’t live my whole life in a fairy tale world too nice to see but full of lies. I’d rather be bitten by reality if it means the truth, though.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded.


Everything matures… eventually.

This is my last dance with courage… for this year – facing my critics.

FORCED VOLITION

I stare blankly at my computer screen and all I could do is wonder how I’d ever fallen into such labyrinth of chaotic emotions drowning me to the waves of impeccable reality. I think about it over and over again trying to get in the bottom of it all. Was it part of the Lord’s plan or was it something of my own volition? I let it sink in my mind for a moment but it seems like the most ethereal feeling I’ve ever had. It started with denial to sadness to hopelessness to anger, then back again. I’m reaching for something, for anything… I’m confused and scared at the same time. Nothing seems to make sense as fate unfolds the reasons that makes perfect sense on why things happen naturally.

I stare blankly at my computer screen and all I could ever do is wonder how.