Dragons and Whales

As we look at the clouds forming scales,
We imagine dragons and whales
In the sea of cloudy haze
Like a child gazing through the day.

As we watch the last sunset of the year,
Shading colours of auburn and amber,
We will color every day dear
With happiness and cheers.

 A blessed year ahead!

Welcome 2022

Little Heroes

 Today, as we celebrate the National Hero's day, I would like to dedicate the celebration to all the children.

Since the pandemic started two years ago, the daily lives of our kids had  dramatically changed in an instant. 

No face to face classes, they're not allowed to go out, they spend the whole day inside their houses, spending half the day in front of their laptops while going through the hardships of online classes.

For such tender minds, I have nothing but praises to them for being able to cope up during this pandemic.

They are truly our little heroes,

Remaining cute and innocent even though they are forced to be mature enough to understand the pandemic situation.

Salute to all our little heroes today 

May you all become wise and successful on the paths you will choose to trudge someday.

I end this post with one of the most  immortalized line ever said by our  National Hero - Jose Rizal, it goes  - "Ang Kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan."

Happy Rizal Day!

Like a Child on Christmas Eve

 

And may our hearts be forever like a child on Christmas eve...

Ever patient and hoping for the gifts...

May we grow old and wise but continue to believe...

In the magic that colours our souls and our hearts in auburn fires, it warms, it keeps.

 

Since the pandemic hit us, I wasn't able to dine in my favorite coffee shop where almost all the baristas know me.

Today, I went to buy a drink and it was such a warm feeling that they did recognize and remember me even with my mask on.

And I just got my 2022 planner as well.

As I always say ...

This is Tradition. ♥️

Of Coffees and Auburn Fires

 

I just wanted to connect

To the moon and the stars

But everything else is the city and the lights

Burning my tired eyes.

I just wanted to have peaceful nights

Brew coffee on the open auburn fire

Use the mug you gave me inked with my name

Until the afterglows aflame.

Forgotten Magic

Over the time, we get drowned by how reality bites.

We get too cynical,

Not wanting to trust,

And Losing every ounce of magic

In everything we see.

We forgot who we once were,

We forgot how to believe.

We forgot how to be enchanted

That we just now let shooting stars fall

Without making a wish.

Much Appreciated

 ♥️♥️♥️

911

 You are that friend

I would call on first hand. 

My emergency hotline

My personal 911.

And forever and always

I am thankful for the grace

Each day having you.

And I am always here for you too.

 As a single-mother, raising my daughter alone, and being the sole parent doing this job, I wanted to inspire other women and let them realize that they can be strong on their own. In that way, I hope I am also raising my daughter to be a strong and independent woman someday.

 Most of the time, procrastination happens in our lives not because we lack the ability or the skill to do something we always wanted to do but because we lack the confidence to do it.

A Little While with Jack

 But I'm not sure if 

I have the right

To somehow write

You an elegy.

But you drift away

So soon and cruel,

And I've just met you

Four months.

But there's a reason

Why I am at your wake,

Listening to eulogies they make

On a cold December.

And there you are

Inspiring me even when you're dead,

In the midst of your body cremated,

I remember how life must be lived.

So with this Elegy

I humbly write 

What I think is right

To thank you for the inspiration.

So I thank

The stars

Guiding me this far

At your wake.

Seeing the Sunset and Stars all at the same time...

Makes me sing for them.

All the beauty it could offer...

And the Art in it.

 

2021 Wrapped

 https://open.spotify.com/wrapped-2021/share-5d49bf6f05244f91904035e3d049e4a6-1080x1920?si=VBf7PMi8THSXj9GS8cqvSQ&lang=en

The Funky One

 We hear a lot of cliches that depicts about friendships. That it is not about the quantity but the quality of friends you've got. That it doesn't matter if you've got just one or two, as long as they're real then you're good.

Sure a lot of people will say - "oh I know that already!".

But I think, these cliches will only (really) hit you when you hit the middle life. When everything is almost settled and you choose peace over pride.

And over the years, I have but a few genuine friends of my own. A handful, not much, but real treasures. And I've got that one friend who is definitely my emergency hotline. The one who I call on to even in my most shameful darkest situation.

And I thank God for having such a friend.

I am writing this because I want to remind everyone that even the strongest man needs a friend.

That even the strongest man could break into anxiety in a world where everyday is a battle.

That even the strongest man could be on his way to depression.

And if you have, even just one friend whom you can confide all your anxieties, your darkest visions, and shameful fears... Then let it out. 

The world is already dark, don't let it darken your soul.

I am writing this because I want to be more vocal and brave to talk about anxiety and depression. 

That this mental sickness needs medical attention, but it also needs support from families and friends.

That it is ok to open it up to your friend.

It is ok and it is not something to be ashamed of.

We have to let the darkness out so we can see the light.

And it doesn't matter if I've got just ten or a thousand readers out there. 

Who knows who will accidentally stumble to my blog and read it.

Who knows if that one person is going through with something.

And if this will be able to help him/her be comfortable in his/her own skin to open it up to a friend... If this will help that one person to overcome the fear of stigma and be able to ask for help, then, it may not be the whole world I am saving, but definitely there is one life.

And all lives matter.

#MentalHealthAwareness

Philocalist

Literally a Golden sunset...

 

All roads lead to you.

The cross, the long, the winding, the bend,

Even the crooked and the broken,

All the same in the end.

 

I was broken by someone else's story...

And it maimed me all too well.

 

It was rare...

I was there...

I remember it... 🎵🎶
 

And there you go again...

Making me broken with someone else's story.

Hurting me with someone else's heartbreak.

Making me go through someone else's pain.

Making me forget to remember that it wasn't even mine to begin with.

All for the sake of making me believe again...

Whenever I lose the art in every beauty.

 

It's the Red Season

 

The truth is...

While some people would rather idle around and just wait for the  government's financial support to come along during this time of quarantine and pandemic, there are those who can afford all the luxury in life but still choose to be productive enough.

You guys! Just look at Taylor Swift, she dropped 2 albums and re-recorded another 2 albums during these times.

And I don't know about you!

#Red album TS version out now 😊

 

Ed, She Ran

Did you know why

She left you with little white lies?

Did you know who was the first to cry?

I tell you now, I tell you why.

Ed, she ran away

Because she's scared to stay.

Ed, she ran away

But you didn't chase her way.

Ed, she ran away

Crying.

She's not ready to dare

When you were.

But when she gained her courage

You're no longer there.

Ed, she ran away

Because you're scared to stay.

Ed, she ran away

And she didn't chase your way.

Ed, she ran away

Crying.

Now you know why

She left with little white lies.

All the should and could have been's

I tell you now what it all means.

Ed, she ran away

And you're the price she has to pay.

Ed, she ran away

And you're left haunted everyday.

Ed, she ran away...

She ran away...

She ran away...

Footnotes:

I wrote the rough draft of "Ed, She Ran" while inside the cab on my way home. I was listening to the music of Ed Sheeran and suddenly realized that his name could actually have a story. 

So my mind started to imagine fictional characters and scenes about a man and a woman who both loved each other but circumstances did not let them confide their feelings for each other. So both remained clueless about the feelings of one another.

Until they went on their separate ways.

The boy is haunted with what if's...

And the girl pays the price of the should and could have been's.

 

I remember the way you stare

Like I was a fragile china ware.

But somethings are still functional even when broken.

And some are whole but totally damaged.

Know the difference.

 

I could have spilled the tea....

But I chose to hold my cup steadfastly.

Sometimes, it is a noble act of one's integrity

To save someone's reputation.

Sometimes we choose silence...

Because it is a decent act of kindness.

 

Work Daze

 On a gloomy Tuesday morning...

We could always pair the weather

With music...

And Coffee.

The Hues of Crepuscule...

 But for as long as we are breathing...

We have to experience life.

 

But just like rocks, pebbles, and stones...

You can be tough, and still be beautiful.

Queendom

 Shout-out to all the strong women fighting their battles in silence and resurging strong and beautiful like the NORTH WIND.

Hail to the strong Queens who choose only the right words to say for they are wise.

Kudos for their strong minds and hearts, for they were able to discern that they can win in peace for they know their truth.

Its time to show the world that, though most empires are ruled by kings, we can build and reign on our own. Let us spell in all caps the word - QUEENDOM.

Dedicated to all the strong women.

#WomenEmpowerment

#StrongIsBeautiful

 ...but your scars are not flaws,

They are Art stroke with pain.

Sympathy for the Liars

 I always believed that sympathy  is for the liars.

If you know the truth, you live  with honesty, and you have a clear conscience...

You don't need to tell everybody your side just to feel better.

Believe me, you can sleep well at night.

But to the liars with a guilty conscience, they will tell everybody their twisted stories to gain sympathy.

They will gaslight and bend every arrows.

They do that because they need others to sympathize with them so they can feel better.

They do that because they want others to convince them that they did the right thing... Because they do not even believe in themselves that they did the right thing.

Most of the time...

Those who cannot shut their mouths have the sincerest lies to tell.

 If you can't find the brighter side of life ...

Then create your own artificial light.

Remember...

Not all Sparks come from fire...

Sometimes, they ignite from electric bulbs.

 But sometimes...

The only way to survive 

Is to never look back.

Remember...

Just because it is where you came from...

Doesn't mean it is also your home.

A Thousand Forgotten Sequels

Ended stories...

Every chapter, every page.

Book is closed...

But then I wrote again...

And again...

A thousand forgotten sequels...

About a thousand forgotten what-if's.

And in a thousand forgotten possibilities...

Every thousand forgotten feelings...

Still a thousand forgotten memories

Could forge it's way to me.

And a thousand forgotten chances...

Your are turning into a thousand forgotten name.

And though your face becomes blurred by the thousand forgotten dreams...

My heart remembers that it loved you.

Scent of a Thousand What If's

Looks like...

It rained hard last night.

The petrichor still lingers

On the pavements.

Like the haunting scent

Of a thousand "what if's".

Still breathes the airs

Of the forgotten kiss.

While the Semisonic blends in

The zephyr of the early autumn chills.

Granites, graphites, and all the possible debris

Of the sequels of the story

That has long been ended.

All fragmented memories

Remembered

On this Tuesday Morning.

 

Afternoon Conversations

 My 8-year-old daughter asked me - "Mommy according to stories, only those who have pure hearts can find a unicorn. Are unicorns real?"

Then even I, got surprised by my own reply...

I told her - "I'm not sure, maybe they are just a myth... Or maybe, no one has ever had a pure heart, thus, no one ever saw a unicorn."

And for a moment we were both silent.

Maybe she's trying to let that sink in her brain...

And so do I. 

Surviving Happiness

But can we really survive with constant happiness?
How can we possibly be happier being in a state of eternal satisfaction?
Can we genuinely feel happy without sadness?
Is it really a joy to not know emptiness?
And what about those people who only finds euphoria in sorrows?
How can the weather dance with  perpetual bliss?

And so happiness varies in each one of us.
One finds happiness in solitude
While the other finds it in good company.
One may find happiness in simplest things
While the other ask for glittering gifts.

But we can never survive constant state of pure happiness.
It will eventually lost it's meaning.
Then we will miss the feeling of wanting something so badly.
We will want to bet again and take the risk.
We will look for something to trigger our adrenaline.

And thus, happiness happens only in constant pursuit.

 

Rainy Tuesday Morning Song

If you walked away from me today
I am sure that who you were going to
Would feel the way that I do
Baby it's you
Who fills up my life
And if you walked away from me today
Never to return until the journey
That you made had ended
I know you planned it
Just to fill up my life
Fill my life
Till now
No one's been able to show me how
To fill my life like you
You are the woman who taught me to
And if you walked away from me today
It wouldn't change a thing
I'd still be singing celebration of you
Baby you do
You fill up my life
Fill my life
Now I know
What it feels like to overflow
Until my life is through
All I'm here for is here for you
Fill my life
Now I see
What it feels like to be set free
Until my life is through
All I'm here for
Is here for you
Just for you
Only for you🎶🎶🎵🎧

I Always Overcome

 Our hearts are like breeding grounds.

It can bloom faith and fear, but we can't have both.

Which ever we choose will grow.

I have a frail faith...

And most of the time it is fear that's been crawling up, being cultivated inside my heart.

But what Fear doesn't know about me is that...

I am good at overcoming anything.

And that is why even though through my frail faith, Fear keeps on creeping, keeps on sprouting inside me...

I survive.

I don't lose.

Because I always overcome.

 

Coffee and Donuts are perfect together...

They're like soulmates for a weekend breakfast. 😊

 I miss my weekend photography and paintings...

And so it inspires me to study hard so I could graduate soon to get back to my weekend Arts. 😊🙏

#MastersDegree

 Maybe...

Some souls are created whole...

Hence, they are complete even without a soulmate.

And maybe...

Some souls are created for the same soul...

Hence, they are one in one body and face.

Chances... Chances...

 My advise to myself today...

Since I feel like, sometimes, I am asking God for so many things but when He actually gives me the chance to have it, I start looking for alibis to refuse the chance, because oftentimes, I am scared to take the risk.

So note to myself today -

"Never ask for a chance you're not willing to take the risk."

92 Days Before Christmas

Phrasing all over again...

The decency of merciful lies.

For you broke my heart...

92 days before Christmas.

But then after 3 days ...

I look back to it,

It was not hurt at all.

Like I've been waiting for you 

To do it the whole time.

And I was prepared all along.

And funny how I no longer get frustrated.

And wear the darkest lipstick in my drawer.

Pouting and screaming inside like a rockstar,

Whenever I came out angry with things and happenings.

Cause like an old friend, long lost in time.

Unintentionally you loose contact with

But too ashamed to resume the conversations.

It was all forgiven and all too well understood.

It was all forgiven

And I understand.

My heart is too prepared

To get hurt now.

And when you finally showed me 

The true meaning 

Of what we call

"The Decency of merciful lies."

I thanked all the writers

And the clause at the same time.

For It was all forgiven.

Cause now I understand.

Footnotes:

Inspired by recent events in my life and from the quote of Klaus Michaelson -  "From all the poems written on the subject of unrequited love, there are so few on the pain of being the object of that affection. The truth is, Hayley, it's not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It's the decency of merciful lies." - The Originals

 

Echo of Embers

 I sung about you not only once or twice now...

But still, you won't hear it.

And my voice is now loud and clear...

Cause I am tired now

Of trying.

And all my unending sequels

About untold stories

That never happened

Are about to end.

And not even an echo of embers will be left.

All will be blown to oblivion.

Emotional Maladies

Just when did you stopped 

Taming my demons?

Changing those halos to horns?

Leaving me deal with chaos?

Till I just get lost.

Just when did you start

Turning your sweet lullabies and stories

Into bedtime nightmares of worries?

Into sad and tragic and melancholic melodies?

And let me sleep with emotional maladies.

Just when did you decide

Turning my trust into doubt again?

Turning my faith into unknown bend?

Turning the confirmed signs into dead end? 

Just when did you suddenly

Turned your back on me?

From friends to strangers you flee.

Our destination don't look like they're meant to be.

Torturing my heart in agony.

 

The First Day of Fall

 Every wrinkle, every gray hair,
Reminds me of beautiful summers.
Your love as warm as the sun...
A life lived full of loving arms.

But you have fallen on the first day of fall.

With the brightest autumn leaves you lost your glow.
But I will always remember your life like the sunsets...
Radiating beautiful colors in the midst of darkening silhouettes.

(For my Grandma ♥️)

Summers Spent with You

I will always remember How my childhood summers were spent in your house. How you would cook for us especially my favorite... Your fried chicken. How you would always treat me with sweets and chocolates every after meal, spoiling me like that. And how I always looked forward spending every summer in your house. I love your kitchen and your old chimney where I used to hide sometimes. I love how you would prepare my bed and how every waking day is like a feast of breakfast. And I remember so well  how worried you were one summer when I was left in the middle of arguing adults, and you just kept on shouting to one of my aunties to go and get me because you thought I was a fragile doll about to faint. Oh! I love you grandma always and forever.

The saddest part of my birthday is hearing the news that you're gone.

I will remember you grandma.

Rest in heaven.

E. L. I.

 

Don't ask me how much I love you.

Because I don't know.

I am not good in measurements.

So don't ask me how much I love you.

Because I don't know...

I just know that I do...

I do love you with all my heart and with all my life.

And thank you for accepting my cracks and bends.

I know you have lots of questions about us.

But you accepted long ago that I am a single mother and I am the closest thing you'll ever had as a father.

But you never question me anyway.

Somehow I think you already understand that there are somethings in life that are not whole... 

But definitely functional.

That is you and me.

That is us.

And thank you for teaching me how to love unconditionally.

I never thought I am capable of such til there was you.

I don't believe back then that you can love someone even before you meet them...

But when I had you inside me, I already loved you eternally even if I haven't met you yet.

I don't believe back then in love at first sight...

But when you were born and I first laid my eyes on you...

I fell in love with you for eternity.

And I will always love you.

And I will always be your best friend.

Your painting buddy every weekend.

Your reading buddy every night.

Your music buddy every day.

I will always be your mother to take care of you.

And your father to protect and support you.

For the rest of my life.

You are the gift I have to open everyday even if it's not my birthday.

And I am forever thankful to God for giving me You.

Everything Life Is...

Everything Love Is.

 Looking back when...

 My writing methods were still too historically framed and too young to be poignant.

Back when my words were still too innocent to be broken.

Back when my heart was too red to be bitter and too naive to not believe.

Back when my life was still too young to know everything that I used to think I can do just anything.

Back when youth was still my pride...

And... now with age comes wisdom, and I know there are still so much to learn.

My Cinderella Story (Not a Love Story)

This is definitely NOT a love story... 

But a story of how people come and go but nothing is arbitrary.

How some people, like just a stroke of brush on a canvas, could leave a permanent paint.

This is also a story of how first impressions, most of the time, never last.

This is my Cinderella Story.

I First met Ian during my Second year in college. But he looks so familiar like I already saw him for my Third lifetime.

Ian for the record was a heartthrob in our class, every girl would swoon when he smiles... But not me!

In a way, I hated him.

For me, Ian was an arrogant typical guy who only cares about his looks and how to get every girl in the class like him. 

It was on our Fourth semester, one sunny Sunday, I was wearing an old shirt from my Fifth grade, on the Sixth month of the year, around Seventh in the morning.

I went to the nearby bookstore to buy something, I can't remember now, when I suddenly broke my flip-flop sandals.

It was still so early in the morning that all the stores were still closed and thus, I can't just buy a new pair.

So I tried my best to walk home limping.

Then there was Ian, walking along the streets of Morayta, with a smile from ear to ear and approached me and asked what's wrong.

So I told him that I broke my sandals while walking home. 

At that moment I thought he would just laugh at me like he was the cool guy in highschool football team and I was the loser sitting on the benches.

BUT no! His expression suddenly become concerned and helped me walk to one of the nearest bench outside our university campus. He told me to wait for him there as he get my broken sandal and suddenly he was out of my sight.

For about fifteen minutes, I waited for him to come back.

Suddenly, there he was, walking in the streets of Morayta, with a smile from ear to ear holding my sandal.

He gave it to me and I saw that the strap was stapled.

He told me that he went looking for street vendors if they have a stapler so he could fix it. 

I thanked him and we went on our separate ways.

After that incident, I no longer hate Ian.

We became casual friends but not really that close. 

But I no longer hate him, and I no longer think of him as the arrogant superficial guy.

I finally saw the gentleman in him.

In a way, that was just a brief encounter but I wouldn't be able to reach home safe and sound without him...

Or maybe I would be safe...

But definitely not sound.

And for some reasons, that encounter changed my way on how I look at other people.

I became less judgemental.

I became more eager to know them first before I decide if they are good for me or not.

I learned how to give the benefit of the doubt.

And for so many years...

If that did not happen...

I wouldn't be here writing about brief encounters that made an impact in our lives.

Most of the time we are not aware of how those brief encounters could actually affect someone's life, someone's beliefs, someone's way of thinking.

The people we've touched and how we touched them leaves a permanent mark.

Even with just the slightest stroke of a brush, it could leave a permanent color on their own canvas.

And if we were to leave a mark...

Make sure it would be one beautiful.

If it hurts, make sure it becomes a tattoo and not a scar.

I don't know if Ian could still remember that incident along the streets of Morayta.

But it doesn't matter.

This is not his story anyway.

This is my Cinderella Story.

Footnotes:

Based on actual events.

Based on my real story.

 ...but one day soon, I'll write my own too. 🙏😊

I have to remind myself...

Over and over...

To continue believing...

In fairy tales and magics...

For only those who believe...

Will find it.

Us

There are somethings in life that are not whole... 

But definitely functional.

That is you and me.

That is us.

 

All Lives Lived

Someone once told me that all lives lived, either short or long, will always know pain.

But all those who lived could testify that hope, like waters, will always find its way in.

Their Story

But sometimes...

I wanted to approach them, when he is alone, when she is alone. 

I wanted to ask what happened?

Why did they choose to wait until it is already too late?

Why did they not took the so many chances?

But I never dare even if every part of me wants to know their answers.

Because I don't want to get hurt and be broken by a story that is not even mine.

They are very good friends, and rumor has it, that they secretly like each other. 

And for 30 good years of friendship, still, no one has confessed their feelings. 

Is it fear, or pride, or whatever, that made their supposed love story so sad and so tragic, I don't know.

And now, they are both in their 50's...

Still friends...

The girl is still waiting...

And the boy is still afraid.

Of all the sad and tragic stories that people knew, it is not the unrequited one that hurts the most but the waiting game that sometimes become wasted time. 

And for the good things that comes to those who waits... Sometimes, it just become too late.

Footnotes:

Inspired by the 2 people I know who are very good friends, and rumor has it, that they secretly like each other. And for 30 good years of friendship, still, no one has confessed their feelings. Is it fear, or pride, or whatever, that made their supposed love story so sad and so tragic, I don't know.

And now, they are both in their 50's...

Still friends...

The girl is still waiting...

And the boy is still afraid.

 

Overrated Superstitious Belief

But love is an overrated superstitious belief. 

The beautiful lie that we hold on to to help us through the journey of seeking the truth about solitude.

And we all are just nursing wounds, scars, and hurts to feel love...

But it wasn't love after all...

Just mere attachments that reminds us of how it was.

Not because we don't want to forget...

We're just scared to become numb.

The Commoners

But aren't we all but just commoners.

All the paths that lead to our destination is a battlefield.

And all we could ever do is to wear the best dress we can provide for ourselves.

So we could die looking like nobles, heroes, or royals.

Yes, aren't we all but just commoners.

Wishing, pretending, and hoping

To die like nobles, heroes, or royals.

 

There are only two things that can make you leap...

Either Faith or Fear.

Before, I always take that leap of faith.

But now I am always scared because I don't feel safe. 

And I want to stop feeling scared but I can't stop it.

And the leap I take from the burdens of everyday is governed by fear...

I just want to feel safe again...

To leap again with Faith.

Wild Flowers

But like wild flowers

Freshly picked,

Given and received

With deeper meanings,

Pressed between the pages

Of a book

To preserve the memory,

To be always remembered.

But like the book

Placed in shelves,

Wild flowers pressed

Between the pages,

Left to dust...

And forgotten.

The Pretty Warrior

It totally hurts...

But I can take it.

I have trained my mind

To be stronger than my emotions.

And I mastered it.

Because I am a Pretty Queen...

But I am also a warrior.

Broken Promises

Your promises are broken

Like bread crumbs on the floor.

But to my surprise,

Like bread crumbs...

It didn't hurt my feet

As I stepped into it.

I don't feel hurt.

I am not in pain.

Like I was looking forward to this day...

When it will be broken.

Like it was doomed from the very moment you made them.

And for every passing time,

It hardened my heart,

And it softened the sharp glass.

That when it finally fell to the ground,

And the pieces strewn everywhere...

It is less of a danger,

But just dust needed to be swept.

And for the fear of what you behold.

When I thought it was a weapon

Meant to hurt me.

All of it was just speculations

But nothing became real.

The weapon was but a foolish arrow,

Aiming for the air.

It didn't caught me

And nothing cares.

The stars don't spell your name no more.

They're just a ball of gas now.

The moon don't seem to echo my prayers,

It is just a satellite.

The sunsets don't remind me of the songs,

It is just beautiful to behold.

And I no longer wait for shooting stars,

They are just burning meteors across the sky,

Hoping for luck that they'll reach the ground

As meteorites.

And for all these times,

Love is all an illusion to carry me through my darkest times.

You were my anchor...

But now I have reached the shore.

 

Of Stars, Smokes, and Songs Unsung

 If the world did not happen...

Will you walk me on the streets of Oroquieta?

Imagine it is the city plaza,

And talk about Savage Garden.

If the world did not happen...

Will you take me to the sunrise,

Make me a cup of coffee with a smile,

While I tell stories about back then.

Back then in a show for no one,

A story of a guitar man with the one-night band,

Holding a bottle of beer and cigarette on the other hand,

While laughing with the stars, smokes and songs unsung.

In that show for no one,

I learned that some puzzles are bound to be left undone,

And all wounds heal but just in time,

And everything goes as the universe designed.

Waxed Angels and Plastic Saints

 For the longest time, I realized that I am a "Theist". 

I believed in God but not in religion.

It all started when I was in 4th grade. I was born with an Adventist mother and a Catholic father, but I grew up bearing the religion of my mom. 

When I was in 4th grade, my parents enrolled me in a Catholic school and there I learned Catholic teachings and beliefs. That was the time I questioned which religion is true?

Growing up I read a lot of books. I read books of Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Islam, Christianity, even the books Osho and other agnostic and atheist books, I read these books about theology and religion just to search for that one true religion, but I failed.

Sometime in college, I questioned a lot of beliefs in our local church. I questioned beliefs from other churches as well. And from then on I realized that all religions have these "commercial evangelism". They keep on convincing people that they are the true and right religion, focusing on gaining more converts to prove that they are the right ones, and for all these superficial holiness, I realized that they worship the religion and not God at all. 

So I turned my back to all religions.

I still pray, though. Every single day and night. I still read the Bible, but I also read Quran and the Teachings of Buddha and other theological books. I only take the teachings and lessons from their books but not from their religions.

And after realizing that, I believe that I became a better man, because my faith is not in any religion but with God.

Conversations at the Red Barn

 Did you practice being awesome?

Cause you're so good in it...

Like it is all in your veins...

OVerflowing.

And after twenty years 

I want you to know that I did my very best.

I tried so many times...

But it never made a difference.

And for the credit of His sign,

Of tossing a coin and sitting by my side,

I thought He'd be breaking my chains,

But all along He broke my heart.

All of His are broken promises.

Except for yours,

You never made one for me anyway.

You're never broken to me.

Like all the stories of one great love.

There you are slipping in my dreams.

Making conversation about the red barn.

And how you don't want to buy a house and a land.

There you are slipping in my dreams.

Touching my hair,

Making me a drink.

Until I thought I still care.

And so I woke up and realize

The feeling is all gone.

You're happy, I know that.

Living the Aussie life.

For so long I thought I'll be forever 

Locked in the twelfth of never.

But time has proven again it's mysteries.

And now I am healed completely.

I can no longer see you in my future

And in my present your presence is no longer a trancing lore.

You are only vivid in my past, and for twenty years you've been my anchor.

But now, I am my only savior.

Footnotes:

This is my story of unrequited love. But unlike all the many stories of one great unrequited love, mine differs, for it never broke my heart. 

Though I hoped for the tiniest spark that was never there, though I still hoped in spite of all the nothingness... My heart was never broken... Because I never expected anything.

I knew all along that it was never mine from the start. The signs were all there to show. All the "friendzones", the "just a friend from the youth organization", and the casual talks and smiles. I know my place from the start.

But Sometimes, love is just way much stronger than any rational and logical thing. 

But he did not broke my heart.

That is for the record.

It is one thing to get hurt enough not to be loved by the one you love, and another thing to get hurt because he has broken your heart. There's a big difference.

And for the record again, he never made a promise anyway, so there was nothing to be broken. 

My heart was in pain but it was never broken by him. 

And for all the memories I have, I only cherish the best ones. 

Because of him, my passion in writing, in photography, and in arts found its way again to me. 

As a kid I love writing, I love photography and paintings, but sometime in my process of growing up, I became estranged to my own passion. But because of him, I found my way back.

So there is nothing bitter about my unrequited love for I have learned so much from Him, from this love, from fate and faith, and all other thin lines that made this process a one beautiful journey. 

P.s. In a dream, I was talking to him about my dream house that is the red barn that never existed anyway. 😬 

Embers in Ashes

In my solitudes

I will find my ember in ashes.

Grasp that tiniest spark in the burnt.

Let the cold breeze ignite the spark.

To glow again and shine

Brighter than any artificial lights.

From the auburn embers I will rise.

 

 My Westlife Playlist 🎶🎵♥️♥️♥️

Working at home is much bearable with Spotify ♥️

The Colder Waters

Cheers to our fears!

For not crossing the borders.

Touching just the edges,

So we drink the colder waters.

We beg for decency,

Of lives we have to ruin.

Of hearts we can't help but break in.

Of souls we damaged.

Of emotions we plagued.

And for the rule of the last sign,

The one that resonates the yin and the yang.

The ripples from pebbles

That travels like unknown song.

Like the Sun, I am alone

Alone but shining the brightest.

And there I am looking fearless.

But deep within I am the empress of cowardice.

I live on the edge of the borders.

Drinking infinitely it's colder waters.

 

Music and rainy weather on a weekend. 😊🎶🌧️

Some days you don't feel beautiful

Some days you wanna change it all.

You don't understand it's plain to see

You're just the way you're meant to be.

I'd change the world and make it new

But there's one thing that I would not do.

No I wouldn't change a thing... About you.

But some day you wake up

And feel like you need love

You can't see your smile

Your eyes not the way that I do.

Don't ever feel worthless

Just know that you're perfect

And I'd change the world before

I change a thing about you.

Could you tell Orion for me that I still believe that the stars are aligned according to plan.

Cause it's raining in the city tonight.

And There are no stars at sight.

But Maybe your weather is different.

Just maybe you could do it cause after all...

We are still beneath the same sky.

Unsent Letters (Part III)

Dearest You,
Remembering you makes me forget why I have to choose.
The choices I made are still about to be proved to be good. 
Remind me to be who I was.
The lady in a dress and a gray backpack.
My casual cruel honesty made you my friend.
And my merciful sincerest lies hurt you and I.
Didn't we fall for that little while?
Or is it just me creating illusions of sweet smiles.
It hurts to think how you can read my mind but can't understand my heart. 
How can you end my lines but can't seem to know what's behind.
And I remember it too well the silly arguments that I know that you know that I know what's going on. And that you know that I know it all along, but I am the girl in denial playing dead.
And so you told me about my greatest talent... and I agreed cause I don't know how to lie.
And for the sake of being dead to you for so long now. 
I dare not resurrect myself for a chance of humiliation or rejection for the sake of my pride.
It is all I have.
I can't give it up. Not even for you. But I hope you understand the difference between loving someone so much and knowing that it is doomed.
For the sake of damnation, I keep my pride for good.
But that doesn't make me loving you less.
It is the greatest sacrifice that I have to make.
Everyday not choosing you even if I wanted to.
Everyday making you the least of my priorities even if I wanted to make you even for second.
Everyday ignoring your presence everywhere even if I wanted to run to you.
Everyday with all the cells in my body trying its best not to reach out to you even if I almost always do.
Those everydays of denying everything about you is the price I pay for my pride.
Don't tell me that pride is useless, cause if it is, what took you so long to let down yours?
I guess we are both the same. Paying the price of the pride of who is better in playing dead.
Til then, til death do I part.
I am a dead man anyway. 
I don't expect you to be there at my wake.
It is forgiven how you forgot about your promises.
They are meant to be broken anyway. 
I knew it from the moment you said it.
It is like I am just waiting for it to be broken all this time.
And for the record, I leave out all the bad memories and only look back on the sweetest ones.
That is how I will always remember you.
My Orion.
My Moon.
My Guide.
My Destination.
My North.
My Compass.
My Summer.
My Spring.
My Fall.
My Music.
My Sunset.
My Shooting Star... That never fell.

Love,
Me

Footnotes: 

Unsent Letters are series of letters written personally but is never sent. And in the hopes of it reaching the person addressed, I post it here.

For Unsent Letters (Part 1 and 2) link Click 👇

Unsent Letters (Part I)

Unsent Letters (Part II)