Well. Hello! I’m here in Cybermed… the place here in Medical Institution that is bounded with computers, and no one usually hang around here for the fact that medical students here are too damn intoxicated with their lessons and they just don’t have the time to wind up and check their E-mails perhaps. But I’m here killing all my time. Its cold here and the silence is making me deaf. All the lights are on and it’s blinding me… yeah! I’m kinda’ pathetic with this situation I’m in right now but….
I’m suffering more inside of me. Oh well! I may look too good knowing the fact that I’m deeply suffering from a terrible poignancy yet I can still walk with all that confidence as if the whole world is giving me more than what I want. Well, its for the fact that I believe that you should not let other people see you suffering cause…they’ll just pity you and that is one thing I don’t like them to feel towards me.
Actually, I feel sorry for myself, being me is simply being the great pretender living today. People think I’m damn stronger than I used to be but more than what they know is the fact that I know myself better than them and I know that I’m weaker than I used to be. Maybe because of the fact that I don’t show it off to them… you know... my anguish…. Cause whenever they see me, I always gives them the sweetest smile as if I’m not going through a very terrible poignancy.
I’m actually reading a really awesome book right now… its “TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE”… I’m not yet done with it but am really strucked by every word in it. It’s a sort of a bullet meant to seep inside my soul and it’s making me feel sorry and happy at the same time. Its telling me that I should let the people around me know that I’m suffering but I should not show it to them… in both face… I’m confused! I should not look weary about the situation I’m in, and yes! I’m not… but how will they know it? I have to say it in words… yeah! Action speaks louder than words and its really challenging to say everything through words only… cause words cannot say it all.
God knows me, God knows everything inside me, and God knows I’m not that good to see YOU this way. It hurts to know I’m helpless, but it hurts more to know that I’m depending on YOU. God forgive me if I would be disobedient to open my hand cause I can’t, I can’t let go right now… maybe later… 15 years later perhaps… or even more…but not right now! I don’t want to dream nor to be awaken into reality this time, its sad to know that I don’t know what I want this time. All roads are winding, all the lines are splitting, and all the lights are blinding… tell me… where will I go? Oh my! God… You should believe me when I say I’m not that strong yet to do the things I think you want me to do, You got to believe me when I say I can’t make it this time. I’m not quitting this game… but I need rest!