Adrenalin Rush

Date Written: October 20, 2005

I'm here @ the hospital, but this time, I'm not a Med-Tech, my mom is here too, but this time, she's the patient. As the nurse rush my mom in the operating room. Different kind of rush embraced my heart, I saw the bright lights all over the halls, so much of the lights and its blinding me like a little girl left all alone in her dark room imagining monsters right beside her in bed. Fear is rushing all over my nerves, I wanted to cry but my tears were frosted by the coldness of my inner soul.
Dear God, You hold everything, knows everything, and cares for everything. I'm entrusting you everything. Life has always been good to me, cause I may feel persecuted but you never forsake me, I may be troubled but not distressed, perplexed but not dispair, cast down but not destroyed. THANK YOU. Amen.

INTERNSHIP BLUES:PART 5 (The Graduation)

During the last week of September...
Monday... was the day I would like to call "the day", because we did everything we've planned to do. Me and my friends went to Kamay-Kainan, an eat-all-you-can restaurant, and we ate there until we can't breath, we had a lot of fun eating there. After the nice and fun meal, we went straight to SM west and played a lot of different games at the arcade (I like the firing - its nice to hold a riffle and feel its power as you shoot the target!) its really nice! After those games, we rent a mini KTV room and had a party in there. Life really rocks! Let's get wrecked!
Tuesday... was an ordinary duty-day for everybody, but not for us, coz we're busy preparing for the graduation.
Wednesday... was another tiring day.
Then came the special day for us, the graduation day... and @ the same time my grand-24 hours-duty. It was my last day and night at United Doctors Medical Center Laboratory ( as a Med-Tech intern). The graduation was full of emotions. But the most unexpected moment that happened to me was when our Assistant Chief Med-tech announced my name as one of their MPIs (Most Proficient Intern) - I really did not expect that.
After the ceremony, the fun continues at he laboratory. My co-interns stayed @ the laboratory, we had a small shots of liquor for the celebration and it all end up well-emotional especially for me.
The things I will cherish in my stay there @ UDMC are the fun and jolly moments with my co-interns which are my friends (cheers dudes!!! for the success of everybody!!!), the things our staffs shared and tought to us, the complements of the doctors, PGIs, and nurses - (one thing I can't forget about them was when I heared them talking about me and said that I'm industrious and very nice - hehehe!!! - "WHAT A COMPLEMENT!!!"), the pressures that the relatives of the patients gave to me everytime I enter their respective rooms to extract blood. The patience, concern, humility, alertness, cheerfulness, and the HEART of a real Med-Tech that those patients that I've interacted with tought me. I'll never and won't dare to forget those life's great lessons and simple pleasures.
So as I hang those frames of memories on the wall of my soul, I'm starting a new beggining again. A new place, new people to interact with, new friends to meet, new lessons to learn, and a bunch of up-coming memories to cherish. As it goes... we can say "ITS THE END BUT A NEW TALE HAD JUST BEGUN".

Message In A Blog:Part 2 (My Paradigm Shift)

Last September 24 was my birthday... I'm already living in this world for 2 decades and a year... yup! I'm 21 years old already.And right now I do really feel that I'm growing old and I'm running out of time to do all the things I wanted and I should do before I started to decay.
I woke up that day and I realized it was raining outside. I was not in the mood yet to get out of my bed, but that was Saturday and I have to go to the church, and besides, its my birthday, I want to give thanks to God for adding another year to my life.So I got myself dressed up and went there.
At the church, we had the breaking of the bread, which, we do not usually do during ordinary Saturday service. So I was a bit happy, inspite of the rainy whether, because I felt that I was special to God (which I know I am) because we had the breaking of the bread on the day of my birthday.
After the worship hour, I went back home to prepare for my night duty at the hospital. I'm not happy anymore because the fact that it was my birthday, yet I don't have enough money anymore (I've spent all my allowance for that week!). So sad! I can't celebrate my birthday, I can't treat my friends, I don't even have a simple gift for myself.
I went to the hospital and started working at 3 pm at that same day. Everyone greeted me a happy birthday, but still, something was missing inside of me that I can't made myself happy. I was just faking a big hollow smile.
So hours passed by, and then it was almost 12 midnight when my friends surprised me with a small birthday party inside the laboratory. Honestly, I was so touched... really, I am!!! I wanted to cry at that very moment but I held back my tears, because they might think I'm too emotional. But if only they know how much I appreciate their simple, wacky, and funny surprise to me. Oh man! I miss them all now!!! (cause destiny held us by the wrist and directed us where to go!!!)
I want to thank them for making my birthday special and memorable. I can't forget that time in my life, and I'll cherish my friends out there forever in my life. I'm lucky to have them, my inner most being is overwhelmed for that wonderful memory they'd left to me... THANK'S DUDES!!!!!!!
The next day (of my birthday), I had a serious talk with my big brother. Its serious because it was about our lives, about what's happening in us. By that time, I've just realized that... hey! I have a great brother. I realized that I'm very lucky for having a brother willing to sacrifice for me.
So what's the PARADIGM SHIFT? Read the Part One and you'll know why. I called this Paradigm shift because right now I can see both sides. I don't see black, I don't see white, what I can see is gray... its TWO SIDES AT A TIME...

INTERNSHIP BLUES: PART 4 (Are You Ready To let Go?)

Quote: Don't let go too soon... but don't hang on too long... you'll know just when to change your mind.

Yesterday, after the tiring duty at the hospital laboratory, me and my buddies went to SM West to watch a movie. It was already late in the afternoon when we arrived there at the mall so we hurriedly went straight to the movie house. We watched LAND OF THE DEAD - its a nice movie... not that very nice.. but simply NICE! I was strucked in the part when one of the young army was bitten by a zombie and then he killed his own self because he don't want to be one of those creepy creature. There was also another part of the story with the same situation as the first that I've just mention, but this second army, when he was given an option whether to die at the very moment he was bitten or to live but be one of those decaying zombies... he chose to live and become a zombie to revenge on someone. We're still inside the dark room when my mind started to twist into different psychological reflection, and then I asked my inner self if ever I'm trapped with the same situation, will I choose to die or to live with decaying body?... uhhh oh!!!... I'll rather DIE!!!
After the thrilling movie, we went to French Baker, bought some goodies out there... brownies and "tuna turner" - hehehe!!! Outside the mall, we made fun of ourselves, we took pictures like we were a wandering tourist in a very ordinary place wearing our white uniform, laughing and cracking jokes in the middle of the crowd as if we're at our own homes, with everybody staring at as like we're crazy or as if we're like those kids who are lost in the power of prohibited momentary fun of metamphetamines, barbiturates, methadone, or benzodiazepenes - (sounds too medical!!!). But no!!!, we're not lost in the power of benzoylecgonine (hehehe!!!), rather, we're lost in the company of each other. Man!!! life really rocks!!!
As we separate our ways homeward, I was left alone at the back of the taxi, still enjoying the scenario of the night lights at West Avenue. At the back of my mind, I was still laughing as I rewind the craziness we just did. Suddenly, I realized, at the end of this month, we're all be moving into different hospitals, which means, things won't be the same anymore. From the wild, crazy moment we just had, my mind suddenly shifted into the tranquility state of reflection - so there it was, the question suddenly seeped into my brain and I began to sort it all out - am I ready to let go?
Eversince this month of September approached this year, I already started battling with my emotions. I know I have to fix everything right now before its too late, too late to handle again the pain of letting go. I have to detached myself to the crazy company of sweet easy-riders and enter a new phase of my life again. I've learned a lesson again, that is - "We should let every experience penetrate us fully, and that's how we are able to leave it. Take every emotions,cause if you hold back on the emotions, if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through it, you can never get to being detached - cause you're too busy being afraid. If you dive into those emotions - you can say - " Alright, I have enough! I'll detached!". Turn the faucet of emotions and wash yourself with emotions, it won't hurt you, it will only help you".
There's no way to move forward but to leave the place you're in. And as what I always say - " You can always look back but you can never go back" - never dare to go back cause there's so much more on your wayward ahead. Honestly, I don't really want to go back either, cause I'm satisfied with what I had, I'm fulfilled, got no regrets either. Surely, I'll miss this, but if ever I'll have the fancy chance of going back, I won't take it, cause I believe that only those who have unsatisfied lives, unfulfilled lives, and lives that haven't found meaning are the ones who still want to go back, cause if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back, you want to go forward, you want to see more. And yes! I want to see more, I have a very meaningful life and I want it to become more meaningful each day.
So, am I ready to let go?... if you reflect on my message, you'll know the answer. Read between the lines... the answer is there.

INTERNSHIP BLUES:PART 3 (The Permanent Ink)

10 days to go and I'll be moving to another hospital. I don't feel excited, what I feel right now is just a mixture of bitter-sweet, heterogenous conglomeration of both absurdity and reality. I sound confused - right?! I've learned to love that place that seemed to me like a rented home for a wandering man that needs not just a shelter but a home. It is a rented home! A home where you can find smiles, laughter, smiles, laughter, smiles, and laughter. I sound very attached to it... but only because I really enjoyed my stay there - that place that I once curse is the place I've come to loved. The people I never thought I could get along with are now ny buddies... surely, I'll miss them all.
As days goes by, I'm getting closer to my next destination. I don't know what awaits me there, but surely, what I'll leave behind will leave a permanent ink in my life, a permanent hue that won't fade till I face my last bitter hour in this world's splendid time.
I'm glad to say, I'll be leaving without any grudge within me. I'm glad to know that we'll be leaving each other... but we'll all remain as friends. No regrets so far... because I've lived my short stay there to the fullest. Some might think I'm absurd, because I know almost everybody hate that place... but I appreciate that place so much more than anybody knows because I've learned a lot... and those lessons I've learned are now my chip on my shoulder to face a new world.
No more words to say now but... THANK YOU!...
To everybody @ United Doctors Medical Center... I really appreciate each one of you...
SORRY!... for my shortcomings...
THANK YOU!... for sharing a piece of your life to me...
Till next meeting!!!...
Le'gra Go Deo!!!

ALL AbOuT Me

These are the things that make me happy even though the world sucks!!! 1. I'm happy everytime I play my guitar (its soothing to the bones...). 2. I'm happy everytime I spend my idle moments listening to my favorite music (its relaxing as every beat seeped into my nerves). 3. I'm happy everytime I write journals, poetries, songs, etc. - its my passion. 4. I'm happy everytime I spend my sleepless nights gazing at the stars on a dark night. 5. I'm happy everytime I wake up late on a free-day with the sun touching my face while I'm still on my bed. 6. I'm happy everytime I sit beside our window pane and watch the rain fall down from the dark sky. 7. I'm happy everytime I walk along the winding road with the cold breeze kissing me. 8. I'm happy everytime I stay late at night watching TV with pizza and coke. 9. I'm happy everytime I've done something for myself. 10. I'm happy everytime I've done something for others.

The Message: You can find real happy people not in big companies but in simple homes...

Infact, the most happy people are those:

*Old grandpa cutting grass in their back yard.

*Old grandma baking cookies for her grand kids.

*(Old/Young) couples walking at the park with their dogs.

*Children playing innocent games.

*Simple and not so perfect family where love reigns.

The Quote: Happiness is somewhere between too little and too much...

It is found where "enough" lies.

A Message In A Blog

"Anguish Of The Youngest Child"

I'm a typical person, a typical girl, a typical youngest child in the family who grew up like the usual other typical youngest children in the family who grew up well favored by their parents, hated by their siblings, and alone most of the time.
I'm a daddy's girl... that's actually both a blessing and a curse at the same time. It's a blessing being the only girl and at the same time the youngest in the family because I'm treated really special. They always give me extra money, extra toys, extra food, and they always protect me... I mean... overly protect me. But the other side of it is a curse. Being hated by you're siblings is a big curse. You'll always find yourself alone without anyone to talk to, to share what's on your mind, and what you feel.
I grew up with pens, papers, and my old guitar who knows me more than my parents...more than my big brothers... more than anyone. I grew up with these stuffs because through them, I could just burst out all my inert emotions in life.
I started to write at a very young age. I wrote my first poetry and my short story (entitled "ANNA'S BIRTHDAY") when I was about three years old. I composed my very first song at the age of four. I love writing eversince. Everytime I write, I feel like my soul is reviving and in that very moment of placidity in my life I could find the real space that I crave, the space where no one knows where except me, the space where all my feelings live, my fears, my hopes, my tears, my joys, my failures, my success, my anger, my love, my strenghts, my weaknesses, my anguish, my pain, my insecurities, my confidence, and my weirdest dream among the weirdest dreams where your imagination cannot even take you, not even your wildest dreams or nightmares.
No one knows this space, its just me, my pens, my papers, and my good old guitar, they were my childhood friends, and my peers until now. They know what state of poignancy I'm in right now - these stuffs knows it, but my parents don't, my big brothers don't, not even my friends know what kind of anguish, pain, and fury I'm suffering right now.
Its sad, so sad to be alone. You know that you're in a big crowd but you still feel all alone. Its the inner loneliness that makes you feel empty though people thinks you're full. Its like your days are full but you remain, most of the time, unsatisfied.
I don't have grudges - I just hope I'm telling the truth. But I know someone out there has a grudge on me. He thinks I'm selfish, self-centered child who never cares for anyone. But look who's talking!...He thinks I'm a spoiled brat, selfish, self-centered kid because if ever I've done him a favor, I don't take that favor with me forever... I've done it... then its done!!! Why should I talk about it in front of everybody just for them to complement me and say "Oh she's a good lass!" - I don't give a damn on it! But whenever HE gives me a little favor, he'll let the whole world know about what he has done... (so you want the complement???!!!... I'll give it to you - THANK YOU!!! - satisfied?).
Now tell me, who's selfish and self-centered? You always have your hidden agendas just to elevate yourself. Who do you think you're foolin'? - I can pretend that I don't know what's going on... but I know it man!!! I know it!... You know what?... you're not only selfish and self-centered, you're also damn numb and dumb at the same time for not realizing what other people have done for you. You always think we owe you a so much... but no!!! cause you're damn hypocritical noble man with a distinct feature of a hero with a rotten philosophy of a villain. No one knows your agenda - that's what you think... but I do!!! You can't fool me. I don't hate you... though I know you hate me... I just wish that you're not the person you are.
"I grew up the way many youngest children grow up, pampered, adored, but inwardly tortured!"
This is the anguish of a youngest child...
Its for everyone to read...
Its a MESSAGE IN A BLOG...

I Saw Judas In Heaven

It was during those aimless nights
I saw Judas from a distant sight
No! I wasn't in hell
Both of us were in God's cradle
"I'm in heaven...Oh my! I'm in heaven!!!"
He exclaimed as he put down his heavy laden
Then I shouted - "Why is he here?"
I asked God - "Isn't he an unforgivable sinner?"
Then God with His merciful eyes smiled
The sweetest smile that can touch you even you're from a thousand miles
I was then totally mesmerized
That I could hardly realize what the smile wants to emphasize
Then I saw Judas drinking the blood of Jesus
I was so mad thinking that he betrayed the one who saved us
After finishing the cup, he wander around
Blissfully listening to the angels' sweetest sounds
Then he met Jesus face to face
I was a bit far from them that I could hardly hear what they say
Then I saw Judas kissed Jesus
I was so mad thinking that that kiss betrayed the one who saved us
Then Jesus saw me from a distant place
He came near and looked at me face to face
Everything was so silent, you can't even hear a tinge of noise
That's when He whisphered to me with His sweetest voice
Jesus said - "I know what you're thinking"
He smiled and continued what He was saying
"It's not your place to judge others,
For it is me who will judge you and your fellow brothers"
I was so guilty that I started weeping
In front of Him I couldn't be sober, it was overwhelming
Then He embraced me with His most comfortable arms
It was so lingering that I don't wanna get free from its charms
Then He said - "Calm now my child it's time for you to go."
I looked at Him, then I just knew it's time for me to go
Then I suddenly realize I was back on my bed
But my savior's words still spin around my head
Yes, I dreamed I was in heaven
Just to learn something I don't know
So, is Judas forgiven?
You'll never know my dear!...we'll never know!

... I'm Just A Little Unwell

Well. Hello! I’m here in Cybermed… the place here in Medical Institution that is bounded with computers, and no one usually hang around here for the fact that medical students here are too damn intoxicated with their lessons and they just don’t have the time to wind up and check their E-mails perhaps. But I’m here killing all my time. Its cold here and the silence is making me deaf. All the lights are on and it’s blinding me… yeah! I’m kinda’ pathetic with this situation I’m in right now but….
I’m suffering more inside of me. Oh well! I may look too good knowing the fact that I’m deeply suffering from a terrible poignancy yet I can still walk with all that confidence as if the whole world is giving me more than what I want. Well, its for the fact that I believe that you should not let other people see you suffering cause…they’ll just pity you and that is one thing I don’t like them to feel towards me.
Actually, I feel sorry for myself, being me is simply being the great pretender living today. People think I’m damn stronger than I used to be but more than what they know is the fact that I know myself better than them and I know that I’m weaker than I used to be. Maybe because of the fact that I don’t show it off to them… you know... my anguish…. Cause whenever they see me, I always gives them the sweetest smile as if I’m not going through a very terrible poignancy.
I’m actually reading a really awesome book right now… its “TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE”… I’m not yet done with it but am really strucked by every word in it. It’s a sort of a bullet meant to seep inside my soul and it’s making me feel sorry and happy at the same time. Its telling me that I should let the people around me know that I’m suffering but I should not show it to them… in both face… I’m confused! I should not look weary about the situation I’m in, and yes! I’m not… but how will they know it? I have to say it in words… yeah! Action speaks louder than words and its really challenging to say everything through words only… cause words cannot say it all.
God knows me, God knows everything inside me, and God knows I’m not that good to see YOU this way. It hurts to know I’m helpless, but it hurts more to know that I’m depending on YOU. God forgive me if I would be disobedient to open my hand cause I can’t, I can’t let go right now… maybe later… 15 years later perhaps… or even more…but not right now! I don’t want to dream nor to be awaken into reality this time, its sad to know that I don’t know what I want this time. All roads are winding, all the lines are splitting, and all the lights are blinding… tell me… where will I go? Oh my! God… You should believe me when I say I’m not that strong yet to do the things I think you want me to do, You got to believe me when I say I can’t make it this time. I’m not quitting this game… but I need rest!