INTERNSHIP BLUES:PART 3 (The Permanent Ink)

10 days to go and I'll be moving to another hospital. I don't feel excited, what I feel right now is just a mixture of bitter-sweet, heterogenous conglomeration of both absurdity and reality. I sound confused - right?! I've learned to love that place that seemed to me like a rented home for a wandering man that needs not just a shelter but a home. It is a rented home! A home where you can find smiles, laughter, smiles, laughter, smiles, and laughter. I sound very attached to it... but only because I really enjoyed my stay there - that place that I once curse is the place I've come to loved. The people I never thought I could get along with are now ny buddies... surely, I'll miss them all.
As days goes by, I'm getting closer to my next destination. I don't know what awaits me there, but surely, what I'll leave behind will leave a permanent ink in my life, a permanent hue that won't fade till I face my last bitter hour in this world's splendid time.
I'm glad to say, I'll be leaving without any grudge within me. I'm glad to know that we'll be leaving each other... but we'll all remain as friends. No regrets so far... because I've lived my short stay there to the fullest. Some might think I'm absurd, because I know almost everybody hate that place... but I appreciate that place so much more than anybody knows because I've learned a lot... and those lessons I've learned are now my chip on my shoulder to face a new world.
No more words to say now but... THANK YOU!...
To everybody @ United Doctors Medical Center... I really appreciate each one of you...
SORRY!... for my shortcomings...
THANK YOU!... for sharing a piece of your life to me...
Till next meeting!!!...
Le'gra Go Deo!!!

ALL AbOuT Me

These are the things that make me happy even though the world sucks!!! 1. I'm happy everytime I play my guitar (its soothing to the bones...). 2. I'm happy everytime I spend my idle moments listening to my favorite music (its relaxing as every beat seeped into my nerves). 3. I'm happy everytime I write journals, poetries, songs, etc. - its my passion. 4. I'm happy everytime I spend my sleepless nights gazing at the stars on a dark night. 5. I'm happy everytime I wake up late on a free-day with the sun touching my face while I'm still on my bed. 6. I'm happy everytime I sit beside our window pane and watch the rain fall down from the dark sky. 7. I'm happy everytime I walk along the winding road with the cold breeze kissing me. 8. I'm happy everytime I stay late at night watching TV with pizza and coke. 9. I'm happy everytime I've done something for myself. 10. I'm happy everytime I've done something for others.

The Message: You can find real happy people not in big companies but in simple homes...

Infact, the most happy people are those:

*Old grandpa cutting grass in their back yard.

*Old grandma baking cookies for her grand kids.

*(Old/Young) couples walking at the park with their dogs.

*Children playing innocent games.

*Simple and not so perfect family where love reigns.

The Quote: Happiness is somewhere between too little and too much...

It is found where "enough" lies.

A Message In A Blog

"Anguish Of The Youngest Child"

I'm a typical person, a typical girl, a typical youngest child in the family who grew up like the usual other typical youngest children in the family who grew up well favored by their parents, hated by their siblings, and alone most of the time.
I'm a daddy's girl... that's actually both a blessing and a curse at the same time. It's a blessing being the only girl and at the same time the youngest in the family because I'm treated really special. They always give me extra money, extra toys, extra food, and they always protect me... I mean... overly protect me. But the other side of it is a curse. Being hated by you're siblings is a big curse. You'll always find yourself alone without anyone to talk to, to share what's on your mind, and what you feel.
I grew up with pens, papers, and my old guitar who knows me more than my parents...more than my big brothers... more than anyone. I grew up with these stuffs because through them, I could just burst out all my inert emotions in life.
I started to write at a very young age. I wrote my first poetry and my short story (entitled "ANNA'S BIRTHDAY") when I was about three years old. I composed my very first song at the age of four. I love writing eversince. Everytime I write, I feel like my soul is reviving and in that very moment of placidity in my life I could find the real space that I crave, the space where no one knows where except me, the space where all my feelings live, my fears, my hopes, my tears, my joys, my failures, my success, my anger, my love, my strenghts, my weaknesses, my anguish, my pain, my insecurities, my confidence, and my weirdest dream among the weirdest dreams where your imagination cannot even take you, not even your wildest dreams or nightmares.
No one knows this space, its just me, my pens, my papers, and my good old guitar, they were my childhood friends, and my peers until now. They know what state of poignancy I'm in right now - these stuffs knows it, but my parents don't, my big brothers don't, not even my friends know what kind of anguish, pain, and fury I'm suffering right now.
Its sad, so sad to be alone. You know that you're in a big crowd but you still feel all alone. Its the inner loneliness that makes you feel empty though people thinks you're full. Its like your days are full but you remain, most of the time, unsatisfied.
I don't have grudges - I just hope I'm telling the truth. But I know someone out there has a grudge on me. He thinks I'm selfish, self-centered child who never cares for anyone. But look who's talking!...He thinks I'm a spoiled brat, selfish, self-centered kid because if ever I've done him a favor, I don't take that favor with me forever... I've done it... then its done!!! Why should I talk about it in front of everybody just for them to complement me and say "Oh she's a good lass!" - I don't give a damn on it! But whenever HE gives me a little favor, he'll let the whole world know about what he has done... (so you want the complement???!!!... I'll give it to you - THANK YOU!!! - satisfied?).
Now tell me, who's selfish and self-centered? You always have your hidden agendas just to elevate yourself. Who do you think you're foolin'? - I can pretend that I don't know what's going on... but I know it man!!! I know it!... You know what?... you're not only selfish and self-centered, you're also damn numb and dumb at the same time for not realizing what other people have done for you. You always think we owe you a so much... but no!!! cause you're damn hypocritical noble man with a distinct feature of a hero with a rotten philosophy of a villain. No one knows your agenda - that's what you think... but I do!!! You can't fool me. I don't hate you... though I know you hate me... I just wish that you're not the person you are.
"I grew up the way many youngest children grow up, pampered, adored, but inwardly tortured!"
This is the anguish of a youngest child...
Its for everyone to read...
Its a MESSAGE IN A BLOG...

I Saw Judas In Heaven

It was during those aimless nights
I saw Judas from a distant sight
No! I wasn't in hell
Both of us were in God's cradle
"I'm in heaven...Oh my! I'm in heaven!!!"
He exclaimed as he put down his heavy laden
Then I shouted - "Why is he here?"
I asked God - "Isn't he an unforgivable sinner?"
Then God with His merciful eyes smiled
The sweetest smile that can touch you even you're from a thousand miles
I was then totally mesmerized
That I could hardly realize what the smile wants to emphasize
Then I saw Judas drinking the blood of Jesus
I was so mad thinking that he betrayed the one who saved us
After finishing the cup, he wander around
Blissfully listening to the angels' sweetest sounds
Then he met Jesus face to face
I was a bit far from them that I could hardly hear what they say
Then I saw Judas kissed Jesus
I was so mad thinking that that kiss betrayed the one who saved us
Then Jesus saw me from a distant place
He came near and looked at me face to face
Everything was so silent, you can't even hear a tinge of noise
That's when He whisphered to me with His sweetest voice
Jesus said - "I know what you're thinking"
He smiled and continued what He was saying
"It's not your place to judge others,
For it is me who will judge you and your fellow brothers"
I was so guilty that I started weeping
In front of Him I couldn't be sober, it was overwhelming
Then He embraced me with His most comfortable arms
It was so lingering that I don't wanna get free from its charms
Then He said - "Calm now my child it's time for you to go."
I looked at Him, then I just knew it's time for me to go
Then I suddenly realize I was back on my bed
But my savior's words still spin around my head
Yes, I dreamed I was in heaven
Just to learn something I don't know
So, is Judas forgiven?
You'll never know my dear!...we'll never know!

... I'm Just A Little Unwell

Well. Hello! I’m here in Cybermed… the place here in Medical Institution that is bounded with computers, and no one usually hang around here for the fact that medical students here are too damn intoxicated with their lessons and they just don’t have the time to wind up and check their E-mails perhaps. But I’m here killing all my time. Its cold here and the silence is making me deaf. All the lights are on and it’s blinding me… yeah! I’m kinda’ pathetic with this situation I’m in right now but….
I’m suffering more inside of me. Oh well! I may look too good knowing the fact that I’m deeply suffering from a terrible poignancy yet I can still walk with all that confidence as if the whole world is giving me more than what I want. Well, its for the fact that I believe that you should not let other people see you suffering cause…they’ll just pity you and that is one thing I don’t like them to feel towards me.
Actually, I feel sorry for myself, being me is simply being the great pretender living today. People think I’m damn stronger than I used to be but more than what they know is the fact that I know myself better than them and I know that I’m weaker than I used to be. Maybe because of the fact that I don’t show it off to them… you know... my anguish…. Cause whenever they see me, I always gives them the sweetest smile as if I’m not going through a very terrible poignancy.
I’m actually reading a really awesome book right now… its “TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE”… I’m not yet done with it but am really strucked by every word in it. It’s a sort of a bullet meant to seep inside my soul and it’s making me feel sorry and happy at the same time. Its telling me that I should let the people around me know that I’m suffering but I should not show it to them… in both face… I’m confused! I should not look weary about the situation I’m in, and yes! I’m not… but how will they know it? I have to say it in words… yeah! Action speaks louder than words and its really challenging to say everything through words only… cause words cannot say it all.
God knows me, God knows everything inside me, and God knows I’m not that good to see YOU this way. It hurts to know I’m helpless, but it hurts more to know that I’m depending on YOU. God forgive me if I would be disobedient to open my hand cause I can’t, I can’t let go right now… maybe later… 15 years later perhaps… or even more…but not right now! I don’t want to dream nor to be awaken into reality this time, its sad to know that I don’t know what I want this time. All roads are winding, all the lines are splitting, and all the lights are blinding… tell me… where will I go? Oh my! God… You should believe me when I say I’m not that strong yet to do the things I think you want me to do, You got to believe me when I say I can’t make it this time. I’m not quitting this game… but I need rest!

IF ONLY

... A true story of a day less extraordinary! I woke up this morning, feeling lazy to get out of my bed, but I've got some important activities to do today, so I got the Bible, start my morning devotion (the usual routine) and then... I went back to my bed... Huh! Do I really have to spend this whole day working for our thesis?!!! Whew! It sucks! I've been waiting for this day cause I thought its my "free day" as in no-duty and no-work day... But heck with it! So I text a few friends and ask if we're on "IT" today - (the thesis work!), and our captain of the shit - he!he!he! - group leader replied "you've got to accomplish something today" - sort of like that "words". So I hurriedly took my shower, get myself done and leave home. While walking along the street, my mind was a total blank... Suddenly a man almost bumped me... Its a good thing I was attentive enough to switch direction... So, ok! Fine! I'm about to cross along the road when a motorcycle came along from a nowhere direction... And again! It almost bumped me!... So with a lazy morning but obliged to get up and all those damn "almost bumped" ceremony this morning, I told myself " oh well! Its not my day!" I entered the hospital hallway where I'm currently having my internship, with the usual people around, the doctors, the nurses, the PGIs, and patients waiting at the lobby. I went straight to the laboratory with a surprise phone call for me from a co-intern telling me that the whole plan for the day is cancelled. So that means, I woke up this morning, I was too lazy to get myself done but obliged because of the work load "supposed to be done" today, with the two "almost bumped" ceremony on the road, and now... Strike 3!... For the cancelled activity with a late notice! Damn it! Right?!! It was only 9:35 am and I'm fed up with all these damn! Heck of a thing! So I left the laboratory with a bitter feeling about all those damn S**t! That just happened. I got in to a taxi, again, my mind was a total blank... So what happened?... I missed the street I'm supposed to stop for home... So instead of getting out of the taxi with a bitter feeling of missing my supposedly destination, I headover to the mall nearby. I entered the mall without anything on my head... Again!... I'm not hungry, I've got no money to shop, and I was just so damn bamboozled... So I told myself - I'll better go and watch a movie... But what movie?... uhm! The one on cinema 8... Why cinema 8?... I don't know, its just the number! I went into the silverscreen and later did I've come to know that the movie being shown on cinema 8 was "If Only". I haven't seen this movie yet but my big bro already told me how the story goes... But I've got no choice... I told myself - cinema 8! So here goes the real thing... The story is about second chance, second chance to prove your love... Yes, it doesn't matter whether you've got 5 minutes left or 50 years ahead, what really matters is now. There's no such thing as the "right time" cause its all just the same time. What matters is you do the right thing right this time. Don't wait for the right time... It won't come, cause its already here, right now... "One day... Someday... Is here!". The question is why is it that it is so hard for us to show our love to the one we really love?... Agree with me? Why can't we show our affection to the one we really love? ... Because we're afraid of what?!!! Why be afraid to love that person when you already love him/her? Afraid to get hurt?... Will you agree with me if I say that, "Sometimes, the one who hurts us the most is the one who really loves you more that his life?" - ironic? Love is ironic! Sometimes the more you wonder why, the more it seems to get worse, and the more you ask why, the harder it is to accept the truth. Sometimes we're fed up with all the lies in our life, we're searching for truth but the truth is not even quite true... Why can't the lies set us free?.. And why do we keep on holding the truth inside? Errr! I hate this!... I can't stop crying! I've been crying inside the movie house, I was still teary-eyed on my way home, and now I'm bursting again while writing this. Am I too pathetic, emotional, neurotic to the bone?... Huh! You know the feeling of loving someone but you were never given the chance to love him at all? - silly! Right? Who damn cares?... Who damn cares with all these feelings in the world?!!! Ha!Ha!Ha! Look who's trying to put a s**t on it!... Ok! I hold back what I've said... I know we all care about our feelings... And yeah! We give a damn on it! So, who says we can't change our destiny?... Love will show everything... What will you do to change the things in life that must happened but you don't want to happen?... Show your love... And love will show you everything... Today, at this very moment... We bet our lives... Are you ready to lose?... What if you'll never have the second chance?... What if the only thing, for sure, that you can hold is the 2 words "If Only"? Dare to show your love... And love will show you everything... "An incomplete heart is heavier that a full heart." ***I've got this quote from my dream 2 years ago, I was talking to an imageless man and He told me those exact words... Until now... I haven't forgot it!

LoNg LoSt FriEnD

I've been a stranger for so long to my own self and its so sad that I didn't noticed it. There's a dramatical change in my life this year, sometimes when I think of all the downs that I've been through, I just sigh and say - " I'm done with this year, though the year is not yet done with me!". Actually, I feel so jaded and weary, yet I haven't done a thing. Its like I'm wrestling with my own self, trying to win but not noticing that I'm hurting ME.

Funny and ironically as it may seem, cause the dream that I once knew and the same dream that came true turned out to be a nightmare that bites more than reality. Now I've found myself too afraid to dream yet more ambitious than I was. Funny isn't it?! Strange, because the more I surrender, the more I struggle, it seemed like there's no other way but to fight and wait until you win. I'm tired of winning the games I didn't play. I came out of the blues only to find out that I've entered the black hue, and its far darker...

Suddenly after so long, I remembered Him, my bestfriend, the one I used to walk with, talk with, and share my everything. I wonder why He's not with me - did I wander away from Him?... Did I sent Him away?... No! I can't remember doing such things, but why am I alone out here?...

Then I cried, all those sleepless nights and weary days. Suddenly someone pat me at my back, I didn't know who was it, but then He whispered - "what's up?!!!"... I recognized that sweet voice immediately, so I turned around and hugged Him cause I know its Him though I can't see Him.

Yes, He was with me in that dark and lonely scene, I was just too blind to see Him cause it was so dark out there, I was just too numb to feel His presence because it was so cold out there. But He was there!... Yes! He was there... : )

Seek And Ye Shall Find... Not The One You're Searching For...

So there it goes, " Seek and ye shall find...Knock and it shall be opened." Matthew 7:7
For almost 3 consecutive days, I'm wasting all my allowance (supposed to be) in renting a computer in a nearby internet cafe. For what sense am I doing this?! I'm stuck in front of the computer for almost 10 hours a day without a break, the owner of the computer shop knows me already, and the worst of all... I'm running out of money (da' freakin' heck!!). And I bet you'll call me stupid when I tell you what the heck am I searching via internet... Well I'm searching for this guy, an old classmate actually, I just thought that maybe I could reach out to him through internet. I'm searching everywhere, from hi5 to friendster and all I get is the same name but different person. Well, if you think that's the end of it... Certainly not!....
I was totally exhausted from a tiring school work this morning but I manage to hang out once more and try just once again to search for him... So, suddenly the owner of the computer shop is in front of me, giving me the stub and the number of the computer I'll be using... Suddenly I was doing that searching game again as if I'm a detective trying to find a villain.
So I gave up!... I closed my eyes and said ... "One last click and its over"... So... "Click!" it goes... Then on my screen I saw a familiar picture... A very familiar picture actually, but for the benefit of the doubt, I tried to view the profile of that familiar person... And... Eureka!!!... My hypothesis is true beyond reasonable doubt... Conclusion proven!... Nope! He's not the guy I'm searching for - ya know the old classmate!....He's just a fellow church goer I always see every Saturday.
In my surprise and curiosity, I checked out his site and there it goes... He is ...BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!.... In short, the guy version of me. I can't believe I've just found someone who has the same interest and attitude like me. It was some kind of funny destiny because just a couple of weeks ago, he was sitting next to me at the church and the flirting side of my mind was playing then, asking some flirty questions like "what if he ask my name?" or " what if we're meant to be?" ha!ha!ha! - silly me! and so, the last thing on my mind then was, if he won't talk to me after the service ends... Its the end of it... No further hopes, just the end of it. And so the service ends and nope! He didn't talked to me. And now, by a serendipitous chance, he's not the one I'm looking for but its him I've found...
Ofcourse not!... I'm not saying that it is some kind of a destiny, soulmate, whatever you call it!... That's not what I mean... Its just that... Sometimes, we seek and yes! We do find... But the funny thing there is... Sometimes, the one we've found is not the one we're searching for... LOL!!! c",)

I'vE mAdE It ThRoUgH ThE pAiN

Date written : 7/24/05
Its Sunday morning, I woke up @ around 9 am, saw the sun shining at the window but just too lay to get out of my bed so I hugged my pillow and let this cozy morning make me feel asleep again! - oh boy! Its just another ordinary off-duty lazy Sunday. Suddenly I choked... Don't know what kind of foreign matter got into my throat but then I remember my old time long lost stupid *o** - better not to mention! So I got out of my bed, took a shower, went into a grocery store nearby and bought some chocolates - just to complete my day... Morning! Huh! And now 'em writing this journal with matchbox 20's CD as my background music to suit up my morning mood. ... So what the hell am I suppose to write?... Well nothing's really happening in my life right now except for the fact that 'em enjoying my life for awhile!!! - oh... Really??? uhm!!! ... Well, yeah right!!! 'em enjoying my life with all those crazy gimmicks and night time parties everywhere... Actually I've got another party tonight!!! What a life! Let's get wrecked!!! Yeah ! My friends say I've changed a lot from an in-door girl who just stay home when there's no work around to an outgoing punk girl who stays late at night... Well people change... People evolve... Its typical ... Its instinct...Ok!Ok!Ok!... What damn shit happened to me?... Huh! I don't know either... 'em just trying to live my life ... Sort of... But what I do really appreciate in my life right now is the fact that 'em done with all those pain I had before... ya know... The pain of falling and ending up totally broken into pieces and don't know how to bring it all back together.Yeah, yeah, yeah!!! I told myself before I'll get over *I*... And yes... I did! Well, big thanks to that BIG GUY up above for overcoming all those struggles I had.... For healing the pain but letting the scar remain to remind me that I've made it through the pain.