INTERNSHIP BLUES : PART 8 (Tattoos Of Memories)

"Think about the laughs that made you cry,
Think about the sad memories that make you laugh,
If there's one thing that I would never dare to forget,
That's my memory of you."
----Odessa Mann----
(I Have To Runaway)

It has been quite a while since my last "Internship Blues" post. Days had past so quickly and the nights are seldom long... now I'm lost somewhere in my memory... perhaps I've lost my sense of time. Life has never been the same since I left UDMC (United Doctors Medical Center). I wake up each morning without any heterogenous conglomeration of absurdity that bamboozles my anatomy... everyday is just an ordinary day filled with routine exercises from home to laboratory and backwardz at the end of the day.
Yesterday was the graduation of the MICO'05 (Mid-year Interns Class Organization'05). And right now I've realized that that farewell was real and morbid ... morbid to the extent of making me cry... cry to the extent of making me believe that things will never be the same again.
I thought I'm missing our adventures and merry gimmicks, but then, last wednesday, I saw my (just graduated) co-interns back in UDMC, and right there at that moment, I 've realized that its not the adventures nor the all night gimmicks that I'm really missing but the people themselves. Yes, I must admit that I'm struggling to let go of them. My emotional being is so damn filled with those silent reveries that seemed to seeped through my soul - its damn intoxicating!
I'm battling with my own emotions, I've been diving into such silent wishes that we could hangout again - coz I miss them badly. I don't want to sound too pathetic nor too melodramatic Oscar winning line, but if it seems to be like that way, then I guess it is.
I cherish those good ole' days of fun, but I cherish the friendship more - I know I've found a treasure. Never in my frame of mind I imagined that these people will rock my life... but then I'm glad.
So I guess cliches are true, that we'll never know what we've got 'til we say goodbye. Heck with that word - I always had a hard time saying that word, and I always had a hard time convincing myself that its over. That's one weakness I have that I've been trying to kill in the battle of my life's arena. So sad, until now I was not able to succeed. I still found myself pouring my own rain from my own eyes and still feel the coldness of their absence.
Yes, those are the good ole' days that tattoed in my memories. Life goes on... but things are quite strange... but that home is gone... I should build another home... but definitely its different... it will be too hypocritical if I say its damn easy... coz its not!
So lastly, as I hang those portraits of memories of my life... I'll cherish everything but I'll move on... count on it... I will... I just don't know when... but definitely I will wake up someday soon with an open hand.
Gracias!!!... Adios!!! Asta la vista mi amigos amigas!!!

Pinoy Big Brother VS. The "REAL" Big Brother

Date Written : November 12, 2005 (Saturday)

"Righteousness can be faked!"
- Pastor Mon Baldovino -
(Manila Center Adventist Church)

I woke up this morning with a pain at my back, my arms, and my legs... its awful, I should have got this pain from too much work and stress at the hospital, at school, and at home. The whole week was really tiresome and I can't hardly wait for this day (Saturday) cause I'm really damn exhausted.
Yesterday, I was the only intern on duty, so I did all the works at the clinical laboratory. At around 2 pm, I thought I could go home coz I'm done, but the sad thing was, an unexpected call came and my staff told me that new specimens will arrive later that afternoon. So, as what the prophecy said, 2 specimens arrived at the clinical laboratory at exactly 6 pm... so I worked on it and stayed there until 7 pm.
I arrived home at 8 pm and I hurriedly washed my clothes and end up at 10 pm very exhausted. I didn't attend dinner anymore... and I didn't realized that I also forgot to eat my lunch that same day because of too much toxicity from work.
So going back to this morning, I know its Saturday but I'm not so sure if I want to go to the church. So much for my damn confusion, I headed my way straight to the shower room and started to fix myself... so the next thing I know, I was there sitting at the church. I'm still sleepy, but then our pastor started talking in front, and the next thing I know, I was attentively listening to him.
His first punch line was - "Who among here watch Pinoy Big Brother?". So to my (and everybody's) surprise, we all laugh at the question. Then he discussed to us the real meaning of being "HOT" ( fruit of the Spirit), "COLD" (work of flesh), and "LUKEWARM" (resembling hot outward but cold inward). Here, he mentioned that righteousness can be faked. We may look at our church leaders as HOT but then, we never know, they might be really COLD.
I've known someone who are lukewarm, and sometimes, I am too. A lot of times I'm faked by someone's outward hotness, but then, as I've come to know them, they turn out to be clearly lukewarm. Sometimes I fake, and its sad that I hate those who fake righteousness not knowing that am also faking righteousness right before my eyes.
Yes its true, that some Christians are only Christians because they are Christians and they are called Christians, but they are not really Christians. And the bad news is, God knows everything. It is like being in the house of (Pinoy) Big Brother where everything is documented/recorded. We are not justified.
But there is the good news. The good news is that God is not like (Pinoy) Big Brother who sends out those people who cannot abide with his rules. Jesus, which is the World's Big Brother accepts our weaknesses and gave us salvation. No! He will not send you out if everybody hates you, actually, He'll love you even more. He will not send you out even though you cannot abide with His rules... cause there is salvation.
Aren't you glad that our World's Big Brother is Jesus who understands and loves us more than His own self?... me?... I'm glad to know that we don't live in the house of (Pinoy) Big Brother who doesn't have the heart like that of Jesus. But we live on earth with the real Big Brother - Jesus, who constantly loving us and the best part, He gave us salvation... now we're saved!

The bad news : "I know thy works,
that thou art neither cold nor hot,
so then, because thou art lukewarm
and neither cold nor hot,
I will spew thee out of my mouth."
Revelations 3:15-16
The good news : " Behold I stand
at the door and knock,
if any man hear my voice
and open the door,
I will come into him,
and will sup with him and he with Me."
Revelations 3:20

MY SUPERHERO

"In the eyes of a child, his father will always be a hero..."
-- Road To Perdition --

I was once a kid , and I do love cartoons and superheroes. I grew up watching those kinds of kiddie TV programs. As I leave my childhood with those memories, I've realized that I never had my favorite superhero, even though I'm fond of watching them.
Now, I've just entered another new decade in my life. No more childhood cartoon superheroes, no more teenage romantic heroes. Now, I've just stepped in to a new phase of my life - the 20's life. Now I'm old, older that who I thought I was.
As I go through the memory lane of my life, I've noticed that there's this one person in my life who I never really talked about that much , but then, I've realized , he is my superhero.
When I was a child, whenever my mom gets mad, I always run to him. Everytime I cry when I was a kid, he always do something to make me smile, like, he'll make some paper toys just to stop me from crying, or he'll take me to the nearest store to buy me some candies. Everytime he arrived home from work, he always have some simple kiddie snacks for me and my big bros. Though he always say that he love us equally (me and my siblings), I've always felt that I'm special.
As I turn older, I always gain favor in his sight. Though I'm not the perfect daughter at all.
He is always there everytime I need someone to talk to about my life, he's always there to support me all the way in every aspect of my life. During my weakest moment, he stayed beside me and made me feel I'm not alone. He's always been a hero.
My Father Is My Superhero!!!
I look up to him so much, no one knows how much I love and respect him for being such the most incredibly positive influenced in my life. I became the person - the strong person I am right now because of him. No one knows (not even him - my father) the pain , the darkness, the struggles that I've faced along my life's road. No one knows coz I always pretend that I'm okey, I always wear a happy smile, and no one can notice the emptiness in it. No one knows the broken pieces in me, the missing and the gone part of my being. But I've survived in my life's arena because of how my father molded me as a person.
I admire the courage and the inner strength of my father. Even upon the weakest point of his being, I saw him struggled to spring fort strength out of his weakest point. I saw how his body, mind, and emotions were wrapped by a sudden trauma and I saw how this trauma made his physical body weak, but not his spirit. I saw how he struggle to fight his own emotional breakdown just for us to enable to still live the life we were used to. I'm a witness to all of his battles in the arena of life, I saw him bled, I saw him fell, but he always manage to stand again and fight constantly, ignoring the pain of his physical, emotional, and spiritual being. He is a man of integrity. When he said it, he mean it. That's the difference of my mother from him. I still remember, when I was a kid, my mom would usually promise something just for us to obey her, but after it was all done, the promise will remain just a word and not an action. I love my mom, but I don't take her promises seriously cause I grew up hearing them but not tangibly have them. It was an abused word from her. But when my dad promised something, no matter what it takes, he will keep his word and do it. That's why he earned my trust, that's why I look up to him so much because he never failed me with his words and promises.
I've learned how to keep my words and promises because of him. I've learned how to fight the battle of life's arena because of him. I've learned how to turn my weaknesses into strengths because of him. I'm happy that the Big Guy in heaven gave me such a "SUPER DAD". I'm really proud that he is my dad.
I am my dad's daughter...
And I'm also his biggest FAN!!!

-- Heavenly Father,
thank you for giving me
such an incredible
and responsible father.
Thank you for giving me
someone I could look up to
and follow to,
in order for me to be
the person you want me to be.
I bring back all the honor
and glory to you.
Amen. --

Reality Bites, Chews, and Swallows... and Digests!!!

Gone are those childhood days. Everything changed now and they became totally strangers to me. I've spent so much time in my life thinkin' how to change, and I didn't noticed that everything around me already changed. Just last night, my big bro told me a news about my other big bro that he and his girlfriend are expecting a baby. I was in the stillness of my mind last night that's why I can't seem to believe what I've just heard. This morning my mind was lost with my childhood memories with my big bros. And now I've realized that they're no longer the boys I used to run to everytime I'm scared of those creepy creature around only for them to laugh at me and scare me even more, they're no longer the boys who used to tease me until I cry and run to our dad, they're no longer the boys I used to play with, they're no longer the boys who taught me different kind of tricks as if I'm a puppy, they're no longer the boys I used to watched cartoons with, they're no longer the boys I used to share my dreams with and laugh with it cause those are funny wild child ambitions, they're no longer the boys who used to fetch me after school ( coz I came from an exclusive school for girls and their school was just around 3 blocks away from mine ), they're no longer the boys who I used to know. They've changed, they are now strangers to me... though they're still my big bros (nothing could ever change that!). Time changed them and somehow, I can't help but sigh to see the distance in our relationships with each other. They've got their own busy lives now, they've got their own responsibilities (as a new daddy) now. I felt like time passed me by and I'm the only one left unchanged, still standing, still holding on to what I'm used to be. This is reality, and everything changed for real. Life is no more a scoop of ice cream but its already a block of ice. Its cold, and the coldness deep within is more lonely than the coldness of the winter outside. Everything unfolds in front of my eyes and I can't do anything but to believe it... coz this is REALITY!!!

The Prize Of Fame

Its late in the afternoon, I just got home from a nearby comp. cafe where I've spent my whole boring day... Its so damn frustrating to have a 10 days off from your work and yet... you've got no one to hang out with... coz everybody have their holiday duties.

So... I'm in front of the computer... again! A while ago, I was surfing the net when I came across to this profile of an actor. Yup! an actor. I don't know him personally but he is a friend of my friend (they know each other personally coz they came from the same school back during highschool.) - so how are we connected? - (we're second degree friends!) hehehe!!! - well, he is a friend of my friend! - right?!

So to my boredom, I log into friendster.com and checked out the profile of my friend's friend - the actor. And to my surprise, I've found several links. Yes, some of his fans used his name for friendster profile. So what I did, I clicked on the profile who's picture is as ordinary as a "not an actor". And amazingly I arrived to the real person I'm lookin' for.

I saw his pictures with his friends and his on and off showbiz girlfriend - (rumored that they're no longer on!) but hey! I just saw their latest pic - kissing! not to mention - on the profile of the real man. But how did I know he's the real actor? - because I checked out his friends and I saw my friend there - that's the conclusion after all.

So the cliche is true! That celebrities are just human... too. From that profile, I saw the inner life of that actor. And I can't help believing what I just saw. That this cutie TV personality is just a simple man with a simple life outside the world of local "Hollywood" industry. I admire him before because he is a good young actor and not to mention a real cutie. But I admire him more now for showing me the simplicity of his real life which no one knows except... those people close to him - and I'm lucky to have a connection!

Its the prize of fame as what they say. But if you have your own inner life, you'll never be a slave of your environment. That's something everybody should have... the INNER LIFE!...

INTERNSHIP BLUES : PART 7 (The 10 Days Break)

Everybody @ the FEU Hospital envied my 10 days break. But ofcourse!... imagine... no 26 hrs. duties, no regular duties, no night duties for 10 days. So what's the impact to me?... capital B-O-R-I-N-G!!!...
I miss my work, I miss my "me" as a Medical Technologist. I miss dealing with patients, I miss the wardings, forwardings, the specimen processings... name it!... I miss the yucky smell of stools, the messy routine procedures of urinalysis, I miss the color of the blood...RED!!!
I miss my co-interns, I miss our staffs... who else??? I miss... Uh! um!... everybody! The hospital /laboratory is my life now, it is where I belong now.
4 days to go and I'll be back on track again. My 10 days break will be over and I'm excited to be back... to be back on my "NORMAL" being again.
Now I've realized that vacation is not that all fun... just try to walk on with my shoes, its like this... you've got a 10 days break but your colleagues were not as lucky (should I say that?) as you are, because they have their holiday duties. So you've got no one to hang out with and you just spend all your time surfing the net, blogging, checking your friendster and updating your webpage. You're infront of the computer for about 10 hours everyday... in other words... its boring!!! my computer is my bestfriend @ this moment.
But anyways, as what I've said... 4 days to go and I'll be back on track! Yepee!!!

The Thing Called Love

*** Love Is Not Blind - it was never blind, because when people around you cannot appreciate your loved one, and if they think that you're a fool because you're loving someone who they think don't deserve your love... smile and tell them "LOVE IS NOT BLIND"... because love can still see beauty out of imperfections, while those who don't know love can only see the flaws of other people. Now tell me, who is blind? The one who can see beauty inspite of all the flaws or those who can only see imperfections?
*** Love is a noble act of self-giving. The more you love, the more you lose a part of you, yet, you do not become less of what you are. You just end up being complete.
*** Real beauty can only be revealed by LOVE.
*** Do you know what does the sky and man have in common?
- the eyes...
- there's a night and day for the sky, and a mind and heart for a man.
- the night has bilions of eyes (the stars)... the day has only one (the sun)
- how come day is brighter than night?
- the mind has billions of eyes (the knowledge)... the heart has only one (the love)
- how come man can give up everything just to have one?
*** Love is the most beautiful thing earth inherited from heaven.

Confessions Of A Liar

"Love ... is a fact... but as for now, its a fiction!"
An Interview With A Liar

Hi! I'm a liar... a self-confessed liar. Why d'you look confused? Is it because I'm being honest? I'm a liar... honestly I'm a liar. What about you? Aren't you like me? I believe, I can see it, you're also a liar.
Enough about my lies for a while, I'm here to confess something. Something I've never said before, something I denied for so long. And now, the time has come for me to take off my mask and reveal the real face of a liar.
You think I'm happy? I always laugh, I always wear the sweetest smile, but... d'you think I'm happy? D'you know that there's a hole within me? An empty space that's cadging for someone to fill it up?
Let's talk about something I hate to talk about, but I would love to have. Something that everybody wants to talk about. Something that everyone can't live without. Something worthy to talk about.
Love - I've heard a lot of definitions of it, and my ears had enough. I've read a lot of stories about it, and my eyes had enough of it. Still I can't define it with my own words. I want to feel it but I'm not so sure if I'm ready for it. I confess I've never been into any romantic relationships. Name it... flings, affairs, serious relationships... never had any of them. But hey! I'm not a geek! I've got my personal reasons why I never engage myself into such relationships. But since this is about my confessions, I'll let you in to my little secret... I'll tell you my reasons why. First, I promised God that I will never commit into any romantic relationships until I finish college. Second, I'm really scared to get hurt. I've read a lot of novels, seen a lot of movies, and yes! they are heart-whelming stories that I often wish they're for real, but then, I've heard a lot of true stories and its so sad that I often wish they're not for real.
I always say "I'm fine", always believe that I'm ok, always portray that I'm fulfilled, but no one knows the emptiness inside of me. I crave for love, yes, but I don't want to hurry myself for it. Sometimes when I feel so cold, I often make myself believe that love is just a fiction, a fairytale. There's no such thing as Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose, Dawson and Joey, there's no such thing as " A Walk To Remember " - they're all just feel-good stories that can make you feel good for a while, but then, reality bites, chews, and swallows... it will eat and grind and digest you... and it simply HURTS!
But then I know God has a master plan for you and me. Time will come for love to find me. So is love a fiction or a fact?... it is a ... FACT. I believe in it because it is a FACT, it has always been a FACT... but until then ...it will remain JUST A FICTION.

Reality Bites...And It Also Chews And Swallows!

Philippines... the pearl of the orient, is now facing a deep crisis. Financial stability seemed to get worse everyday, and the people suffer too much from it. This is REALITY... IT BITES... IT CHEWS... and IT SWALLOWS!!!
But there are somethings in our culture that made me still proud of being a Filipino inspite of all the crisis that keep on grinding our nation... here's my story...
After a tiring duty from the hospital, we (my friends) decided to watch a movie. After that, we decided to go home right away. So we ride into a FX ( a passenger taxi with 10 passengers capacity). We're at the middle sit and we talked about the movie we just saw on our way home. Suddenly a man sat next to me. Then I felt there something touched my hips... and to my surprise... that damn man's hand was on my hips, so I shouted at him while he hurriedly went out of the FX. Then the driver asked me what did that man do to me, I told him that he touched my hips. So the driver got a (sort of a baseball bat) and he followed the man. (I don't know exactly what happened next) then the driver came back and asked me if I'm alright... I said "YES... I'm fine now... Thanks!" Then the driver told me that that man was actually a foreigner... NOT a Filipino.
The reality is that, such things really happen to you, to me, to everyone else! Reality had just bite me... chewed and swallowed me into the real world full of sinful and lustful men. But then, God never forsake His people, He used other people to help you, me, and everyone else. That's where our culture (Filipinos) is counted as one. We always help others even though they are a complete stranger in our sight. The driver, was a stranger... I am a stranger to him too... but still, he is willing to take the risk ( by following that foreign maniac) of getting into trouble.
God Bless That Driver...
Vengeance is not mine (Damn Maniac!) ... its God's!