Interlude

Imagine a tragedy so ugly it should never have happened.

I grew up a Christian, but sometime, long ago, when I was still young, someone told me that my eagerness to serve the Lord could be my down fall as the Antichrist. So I guarded my heart and my mind to be a good Christian. I was so careful, so scared to fall that I might not get up again. But call it fate, call it a destiny or maybe a prophecy, but I'm like a Messiah who never had a choice. Like I was chosen and though it might seem like I have a choice, the path has been laid down for me even before I was born. It only looks like we have a free will but no, we never had a choice, I did not choose to be chosen.

So for my every wrong turn, I stood tall and ugly like Goliath, but with the sincerest heart of David who believes that he is doing the right thing.

So I stir them up into confusion.
For if you can't convince them, confuse them.

We always live in the grey...
The grey zone
There is a thin line between red and green, black and white, and so as to arrogance and confidence, humility and pride and that is the grey zone.
We don't need a god or the devil to do right or wrong. We, humans are capable enough to do what is right and wrong.
We do what we think is right, but oftentimes we do what is right for ourselves... Even though it is wrong in the eyes of others. We are always in a dilemma of two miserable things and it all comes down to which is lighter to bear. And to cope up with our guilt, we invent all the given alibis to justify our actions. We live in the grey zone where there is no perfectly right and perfectly wrong. We try our best to mix both the black and the white to escape our guilt and so everything becomes grey.

And for whatever reason that bad things happen to you, stop thinking that god is punishing you, stop blaming yourself. It is not you. It is never you. Things happen, that's just it.
Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people.
We question the gods and we never get an answer, or the answers are not exactly the ones we had in mind. Questioning the gods could not help us one way or another... Because they don't answer.
For this is the truth, the truest answer of all: "Things happen for no reason at all, gods don't control it, we just have to make the best out of the bad things."

Blasphemy?...
You don't know how much is the price I paid for you...

And I did not asked for it.

Blasphemy... Oh blasphemy...
For one moment you will thank the gods for the blessings bestowed unto you, and another minute you are questioning the same god why did he allow those unreasonable tragedies to happen in this world.

And there are those wicked thoughts I never thought I will dare to imagine.

The born Messiah who never had a chance to choose.
Tragic.
Being born to be different.

But being different is not a sin.
We are all born beautiful,
But what makes you different makes you stand out.

And I'm making my stand... Outside.

The Tomb of Babel

While we stand here on the day of judgment,
Waiting for the final verdict...
Praying for our redemption...
In the midst of our imperfections.

You alone remained unblemished,
Cradled by your own salvation.
For you are like a tombstone,
Made of marble...
Painted white...
But inside are dead men's skeletons.

All rotten.
All rotten.

And the lambs are on the run...
For nobody wants to be the Last Samurai.

Chocolates, Nuts, and Marshmallows

Dear Jan,
Is denying a lie?
If it is, then everything is just plain black and white...
Then why is it I'm gray and you're red?

There's just so many things that I wanted to ask, feelings that I wanted to say, ideas that I wanted to share... But I can't figure out what to say. Its like my heart is uttering so many words that I can't even catch up. But I'll try my best to say it here.

If a shooting star can make your wish come true, why does it have fall? to lose its light for you? to leave its place up in the sky just for you? And all for a single wish of someone else.

You see, when life is a series of the choices we make and we are more or less the product of it, does regret ever cross your mind... I mean, for not uttering a single word about what you feel?
I mean, you can't lose what you never had but you could have had it if only you've tried.

Can you tell me now what's the difference between losing someone from not having her at all.

Questions I never dared to ask.
Questions you never cared to risk.
Questions we never have to answer anymore.

The answers were always right... But we always ask the wrong questions.
So the answers that we get are not the ones we had in mind... So we remain disappointed.

And now that you've got my answer to the question you never even asked, does the pain makes you drink a lot of beer, or makes you write a love song for no one, or wakes you up at 3 am spinning inside the question?

I have regrets.

I guess as we grow old, we realized that we are not perfect. We get to know ourselves more and thus, we see our imperfections.

I have regrets... In fact, I have a lot.
I wasn't the same child who dreamed.
I had my share of nightmares.

And I woke up and saw that reality is much scary than nightmares... Because you know you can never wake up when you are awake.

But I have a secret to share...
I'm too good at making bitter things sweeter in my eyes. I can make the best alibi you could ever imagine and believe it like its true. I can make the ugly things beautiful in everyone's eyes like life is so perfectly placed in the vast universe. And only I knows what lies behind the mask.

But sometimes... I, too, believe in my own lies and I wear it on my sleeves like its the truth.

And the worst part of believing in a lie is that... It might become your TRUTH.

So cheers to the life that could have been...
Kudos to the life that we have now...
And a big toast for the life to come...

And yup!!! I'll be celebrating with beer and ice cream.

P.s. ...I know you know the flavor.

Love,
Me

Perks of the Choices We Make

Life is a series of the choices we make.

It was when the young ones are embraced by innocence...
The youths are coated with arrogance...
And reality is masked by ignorance...
And we are all and naive at the same time.

But if only I knew what I've known now, then it could have been a different story, it could have been a different ending, it could have been a different man.

But who knows if I'm wiser than I am now for I could have had a different idea.
Who knows if I'm stronger than I am now for I could have had a different opinion.
Who knows if I'm better than I am know for I could have had different perspectives.

Who knows if I'm by far happier.

But who knows if not.

When life is a series of the choices we make...
And every decision has a price to pay...
Then free will is a curse in disguise.

And we are all caught up in the middle of the series.

Audition

For the past couple of years my life has been a series of different auditions.
And every audition was like a punch to the moon.
...and until now I'm still punching.
...until now I haven't landed on my part.
Its frustrating, but my heart won't allow me to give up.
...because I choose to believe.
...crazy as I may seem.
...and though my heart breaks on every audition that I take,
...God bless the mess that I make.



From: LA LA Land
Audition (Fools Who Dream)

My aunt used to live in Paris.
I remember, she used to come home and she would tell us these stories about being abroad.
And I remember, she told us that she jumped into the river once. Barefoot.

She smiled...

Leapt without looking
And tumbled into the Seine
The water was freezing
She spent a month sneezing
But said she would do it again

Here's to the ones who dream
Foolish as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that ache
Here's to the mess we make

She captured a feeling
Sky with no ceiling
The sunset inside a frame

She lived in her liquor
And died with a flicker
I'll always remember the flame

Here's to the ones who dream
Foolish as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that ache
Here's to the mess we make

She told me:
"A bit of madness is key
To give us new colors to see
Who knows where it will lead us?
And that's why they need us"

So bring on the rebels
The ripples from pebbles
The painters, and poets, and plays

And here's to the fools who dream
Crazy as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that break
Here's to the mess we make

I trace it all back to then
Her, and the snow, and the Seine
Smiling through it
She said she'd do it again

The Missing PiEces

For the last couple of days I've been indulging myself with those thoughts about "what if's", "probabilities" and "possibilities" from the past.

And in the middle of my reverie, you came out of no where reminding me that there are no "what if's" in life.

So I go back in to my sanity once again.

Leaving the past behind.
Living the present now.

There are no "what if's" in life, that's what I believe.
We only ask that question when we are sad, lonely and confuse with our present situation.
But if we are happy, there is no room for what if.

P.s.
And yes, the summer breeze is making me smile as it scatters those yellow little flowers on the pavement, reminding me again that its...SUMMER.

T.O.T.G.A.

"We'll live our lives, we take the punches everyday...
We live our lives on different sides
We keep together, You and I.
And live our lives...
Stigmatized.
We gonna live our lives...
Stigmatized." - Stigmatized (The Calling)


...because we are a bunch of rational, logical, cynical broken people.

But if there's one truth that I could confess to you, that is, I was NEVER cynical when I'm with you.
It was like, trusting is a human nature... so natural.

So I keep my distance to be logical, rational, cynical...again. Because that is what natural is for humans.

So I take the punches everyday.
The price of being rational, logical, and cynical.

But your ghost is haunting me.
But it was never fear that I feel everytime you appear.
It is more of pain and a bit of happiness.
Cause deep happiness is actually a sting of pain.
A sting of painful fragments of a distant memory.
The reason why my heart still sings in the music of your strings... attachment.
And because you are a beautiful ghost.
You could keep on haunting me.
Haunt me for the rest of my life.

Solitarius

There is a reason why some "strong and beautiful-inside-out women" have failed relationships.

...because strength and beauty is never enough to a man with a high ego and a broken spirit.

...and because "strong and beautiful-inside-out women" are not meant to be caged with a broken heart.

Just like what Red said "...some birds are not meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, thus rejoice.". Shawshank Redemption


And do you know why some "strong and beautiful-inside-out women" remain single?

Here's my theory...

Do you know why some lyrics, even though the words are so beautiful remained to be just a POETRY and NOT a SONG?
Its NOT because the music might ruin it.
It is because the words are so beautiful enough that they don't need a melody to complete them...
They are simply PERFECT by their own.

Secrets of 3 AM

I can see the world when I look into your eyes, and I hold it when I hold your hands.
If you fall, I'll jump with you, and with you I'll safely land.
Land into the right place.
Right there face to face.
When we grow old... We will go to the park everyday and count the passing cars.
And at night we will lie and count the stars.