rock of ages (part two: the rocky road)

Last night I dreamed about you, and it made me realize that I may not be missing you but I can't deny that I'm loving you. All these years I keep on pretending that all I wanted was to be your friend but then I must admit I'm a coward.

Now all that is left are just regrets and what ifs, I wonder how I'm coping with this.

Your absence made me realize that love is more than just being together.

I'm too filthy to be with you, I feel like I don't deserve to be with you and I'm hating the man who made me filthy and not worthy of your love.

It could have been me and you if only I've waited a little longer for both of us to compose ourselves, if only I didn't let myself get filthy by the hands of some other man. A regret that can never be changed.

I love you... my heart is screaming my love for you.

I'm sorry I was the first one who put a distance.
I'm sorry I chose the wrong one.
I'm sorry I didn't chose you... but if you only knew that each minute I spent with him I was wishing its you. I didn't chose you because I love you so much I can't afford to hurt you... when loving comes with pain, I can't afford to be that pain.
Sometimes I wonder maybe the reason why I end up all alone is because I didn't really loved him, because it was always you. It is you I'm in love with.

My rock and my fortress...
If only you could love me again like before everything becomes filthy.
Shower me with your love and I'll be whole again, I'll be clean again.

wisdom of a fool

I don't understand why all of a sudden I had regrets and they are many...
I was scared to fall I might not get up again... and now.. am I right all along...
And suddenly you popped up like the boy in that song that she remembers but not the feeling... weird I remember the feelings as well though not tangible.

And was I too smart not to commit mistakes not realizing that mistakes will make me wiser... and now I'm making them a bit too late.

rock of ages

The greater part of /is unknown

I might lose a diamond by collecting stones but you are my rock and my fortress... a diamond could never rock my world like you do.
I'm scared to fall asleep for you might not love me anymore when I wake up tomorrow.
Was it my fault that we were never together, was I too friendly that it made you think that we can never be more than friends? Or was it you who never had the courage, who was so scared of saying what you really feel? Or maybe I was the coward one too cause I never said a word either. Either way this is now the life that we are living... forever in the past... that I hope not.
And it so funny that it all falls back and goes back to you... like a destiny I cannot ran away from.
But the sad part of the story is that the past is so filthy... so filthy that I'm not even sure if you still want to hold it... and neither me is sure... but I still wanted to try... even if it means dipping my fingers into the mud.

So sleep now my rock and my fortress and don't you worry for tomorrow I still love you and the only thing that will change is the depth of my love for it will grow deeper each day you wake up... and until the day that you will no longer wake up... I'll still love you at the other side of your sleep. I love you.

I don't understand why all of a sudden I had regrets and they are many...
I was scared to fall I might not get up again... and now.. am I right all along...
And suddenly you popped up like the boy in that song that she remembers but not the feeling... weird I remember the feelings as well though not tangible.

And was I too smart not to commit mistakes not realizing that mistakes will make me wiser... and now I'm making them a bit too late.

father time

Way back 2006, i was a fresh graduate and about to take the national board exams for medical scientist/technologist when i dreamt i was talking to a man, an old man, A very old man with long gray hair and beard. He gave me a little book, like a size of an ordinary pocket book, its old like him but the letters, symbols and formulas written inside the book was clear. The front cover has a picture of a blue sky with white clouds and a ray of light but instead of the sun it was an hour glass that's striking the rays. Before i woke up that day he told me that that book contained all the secret formulas to be successful in life, i asked him who he was. I was hoping he would say he was god but he told me "i am nostradamus".



Time passed so quickly after i passed the board exams that year. Lots of jobs were offered. I earned a lot of money, wasted a lot of time, wasted a lot of my health.



After 5 years, i haven't forgot that dream but i ignored it until i dreamt of it again one cold night of july back 2011.



I was in a shuttle with that book in my hands and i gave it to a girl sitting next to me wearing a white uniform and was on her way somewhere to take the nursing board exams.




Fast forward today...

Today i'm reading through ebook from my tab a book by mitch albom... one of my fave authors.
The book's title is "the time keeper" and somehow i can't help but think that somehow that old man in my dream isn't nostradamus but "father time" himself. With that hourglass picture on his book, Somehow maybe he really is making himself known only in dreams.

beautiful faith

If only ears could see...
Then we'll realize that what we hear is different from what really happened.

faith to the unknown

Last year, i fell from heaven and landed in hell...
I nearly lost everything...
Lately did i come to realize, God wants me to march in hell to meet the coasts of heaven.

Now, gradually and dramatically, God is giving me back everything that i've lost... and even more than that... even greater than that...

Truly, God never leaves us empty handed. If He takes away something from us its because He wants us to open our palms to receive something better, something greater.

Indeed, God knows what we want before we knew it ourselves.
He gives us what we need even before we would actually need it.

Its been a good life...
And if its good...
Its worth sharing.
Thus, i am.

Have a blessed weekend everyone.

Patience is a virtue...
But if you are patient...
You are sick...

Then call the doctor very quick.

Garden

“If God is water then grace is an ocean, then the church is not a museum for good people but a hospital for the broken ones.”
“Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with Christ.”

So I went to church today. I was late. I sat where I used to sit almost every Saturday, and then suddenly I felt old.
How long it has been since when?
I remember the old faces, the young ones who had grown old and the old ones who are no longer there.
Then the speaker stood in front… my surprise! She was that little girl who used to sit at the front row with her parents and siblings. Time passed by so quickly as they say and now she was our speaker.
The way she look, speak, stand and walk reminded me of myself 8 years ago.
Yes, I was her. The pretty face, the promising career, the good daughter, the independent lady. The one on top of her world. I remember the feeling but it was not as tangible as it was before.

Then my life suddenly flashed back in front of me. How I started good, how promising my life was, how great my future was.
But my future then is what I’m living now and it was not exactly the way I planned nor imagined it to be.
Did God throw a shit on me that made my life of garden a dumping pit? Or did I shit in my own garden?
It was quite a life – really.
And until now I still do not know where this road will take me.
All I know is that I want my garden back.
Oh God please help me.
You gave me a beautiful past,
Now give me a brighter future.
I know You are there for me, hence, take my hand and lead me for Your plans are better than mine. You have the best ideas for my life.
Make me again a living testimony of your greatness and faithfulness.
In Jesus name,
Amen.