The Window Pane

As the moon glows melancholy on a starless night sky like a shining diamond on a black sheet... its beautiful but lonely. So I have to flip yet again another page of my book. I could have stayed on that page, it could have been so beautiful, but the story continues to another page... so I have to move on. I wanted God to lift the page for me but I guess, God doesn't want to lift even a finger. It is not that I'm losing my faith... no!... my faith in God is faithful. I trust God but I don't believe that He wants me to have my kind of story. I guess, God got tired of writing the same old stories with happy endings and so He thought of writing a tragedy.. and He choses me to play the leading role. God thought that this will be a great story and people will love love it... but the script is a tragedy... more tragic than Romeo and Juliet, more complicated than Tristan and Isolde, more painful than Jack and Rose. Being the chosen one is a blessing in the eyes of the viewers but it is a curse to the one who plays it. It is like burning your soul in the fires of hell so that others may reach heaven.


The chosen one.


I can't help but think that even Judas Iscariot was a chosen one. And being the chosen one, he never had the chance to say “NO!” … think of it... if Judas did not betrayed Jesus, we could have questioned the credibility of Jesus' prophecy that one of His 12 disciples will betray Him and he that dippeth his hands in the dish is the same person. If Judas did not kissed Jesus, there could have been no famous “Judas Kiss” and if that did not happen, Jesus could have passed the cross and did not die for our sins... there could have been no resurrection at all and maybe, we were never redeemed at all.


You see, Judas played a great role in the script of God. He was actually God's pawn in fulfilling the prophecy. People now are condemning Judas but what they do not know is that Judas only obeyed what God had told him to do so even if it cost him his own soul in hell, even if it cost him his name being condemned.


The truth is, if ever I get to heaven and meet Judas there... I won't be surprise. And I bet God will explain why Judas is up there... but I will be the first to tell him... “ I always knew you will be here.”


I bet people will think that this article is full of blasphemy but the point of this whole Judas thing is that we should not judge others because it is never our place to judge.


You judge a girl by the way she curls her hair and by the way she carries herself... but who are you to create such illusions of her identity? Who are you to create your own set of her character?

You are judging a book you never even tried to open... how could you know the story?


I don't give a damn... but don't provoke me.


The rain starts to pour hard gushing on the window pane... the water tastes like a saline. Like a gutter flushing all the rain to slide on the window pane... the window pane... they are my eyes.

SURREAL

Cool breeze and autumn leaves sets the view as I walked aimlessly, nonchalantly, and nowhere to go in the busy streets of the city. Trying to find an inspiration, something that will make sense out of all these insensibility. My lone pair of watchful eyes oversee the living. The tortured souls and unhealing wounds... I am one of them. But no tears could well in these pair of eyes because the paleness of the moon and the coldness of the night made it frost.



Stories are everywhere and so I am everywhere. And that makes me a person with no place to go. Do you know exactly the feeling of being everywhere? Of not having a place to go when you are tired and broken? You got no idea.



For a moment my ears got tired of hearing stories... their stories. Because they endure alone their own pains while I endure the sum of all their pains. It is making me numb and numbness is worse than the pain itself.

Stories are rare forms of poisons and antidotes. They could make you hope or leave you in despair. And being always with them, stories left me all alone in the middle between hope and despair. To hope is hard, to be in despair is painful, but not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering. The heart deceives even the very owner itself so who would know? Who could realize the right from wrong? The heart is the most poisonous thing on earth, hence, the heart starts and ends the story. And when the story ends... that is where I am... giving hope, telling everyone that every ending springs forth a new tale where hope lurks, and it is up to one's heart. Temptation leers when conscience fades. The heart only beats what it wants to beat... hope or despair? This heart screams in agony.



A story of a man who died on the day before his daughter's 25th birthday. He wrestled with the angel of death with all his might, holding on to that picture of his daughter in his mind. But angels are immortal, how could he defeat one? So I look for a reason to hope, that though he died in a time he wished he could still live and bring her daughter a nice gift, I told him - “ your gift to your daughter is already in her hands. Just a year from now she will become a good doctor and that is your gift to her... her future. The gift of healing.”



A story of a girl who begged for love but love sometimes come in a form of hatred. A man who redeemed himself through a heart of a poor girl. Everyone laughs at her shame and everyone salutes his glory. So I look yet again for a reason so I could give hope to that poor girl who now lives in shame. Whatever love throws at you, believe in it. There is nothing you can do. Better is the heart that gives love even though no one has ever loved back that a heart surrounded by love but doesn't know how to love. That is life...still life.



A story of a kid who loses his home from the recent calamity that hit the country. He asked me - “why does the sun go on shining like nothing happened? Why do people continue to live their lives and never cares that many people are dying and starving because of the drowning flood? Look at them, they continue to go to school, to go to their offices, to go to their work places. Why can't the world pause for a while and look at me?” So I look at him. He smiled and said - “ I'm glad you are looking at me, I'm glad you paused for a while and listened to me.” I raised my brow and said nonchalantly - “ I did not pause for you. I am one of them who continued living our lives like nothing happened yesterday. I am looking at you not for you but for myself... don't you get it? We are a bunch of selfish beings. You think we are selfish for not looking at you but did you ever thought that you too are selfish for wanting everyone of us to look at you?... and yet, did you ever look for someone else too?” The kid was in a moment of shock.

So I look again for a reason to give him hope - “ The sun shines like nothing happened yesterday because God wants you to continue to live your life, He wants you to face another day and another day so you could pick up all the broken pieces of your life. Life never ends yesterday, life continues for as long as tomorrow comes. The sun shines not because it doesn't care at all but because God cares and He wants you to rebuild what the yesterday has destroyed. Happy moments become evil when they are gone, but that doesn't mean you can never have happy moments again. Remember, some lessons cannot be taught, they must be lived to be understood. That is wisdom.”


I left the kid pondering.


Cool breeze and autumn leaves sets the view as I walked aimlessly, nonchalantly, and nowhere to go in the busy streets of the city. Trying to find an inspiration, something that will make sense out of all these insensibility. My lone pair of watchful eyes oversee the living. The tortured souls and unhealing wounds... I am one of them. But no tears could well in these pair of eyes because the paleness of the moon and the coldness of the night made it frost.


The sun shines and it whispers hope - “ A faithful heart makes a wish come true”.

The Frail Faith Of The Faithful






“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.”
-The Shawshank Redemption-


I've been through worse, and I can prove that. And being there, I've learned how to praise God in spite of my rage and angst against Him. I'd realized long ago that the best way to worship God is to praise Him in your most darkest and angriest moment because in spite of your human emotions the goodness of the heart still prevails.


A thanksgiving prayer is beautiful, a mourning heart prays sincerely, but the prayer of an angry heart is the most fervent because it goes beyond the will but still manage to make it. It is surpassing a very tempting test. The temptation not to pray and to praise God because of anger is hard to overcome... and so I say it is the most fervent prayer if you had overcome that temptation. That is the frail faith of the faithful.


The frail faith of the faithful still believes that in spite the unwilling prayer, God still hears.


Trust is believing what you can see but faith is believing something you'd never seen. Faith is hoping in spite of hopelessness, it is believing beyond doubts, it doesn't seek for signs nor for miracles, nor for reasons to believe because faith hopes that the impossible will become possible... good thing... in God, everything is POSSIBLE.

BeAuTiFuL NiGhTmArE





It was the last Friday of the month of august. I woke up late so I was in a rush going to work. It was almost six in the morning, I was wearing my two-inched high heels and I was walking very fast that I didn't noticed the bump on the road. I almost slipped but I managed to balance myself, and so I thought I should have wore my scrub suit and my sneakers instead when suddenly I heard a tiny voice that said - “ Ineng... madadapa ka pa!”. I turned to the voice and saw an old woman sitting at the corner of the street. I got scared and so I walked even faster. At that time my mind was a mess. I was thinking about my judgment day which was fast coming. I only had 48 hours left to get ready for that day but just the thought of it made me shiver.



I was expecting that my judgment day will happen on the first day of the week but it happened 3 days later.


So if I said before that I'd vomit the green thing in the middle of the street with all those eyes staring at me and that I wanted then to disappear or it was I that I wanted to become invisible, well, double that humiliation, and that was my judgment day.


All I know was that, at that very moment I just wanted to shrink, that I was wishing for a magic wand that will make me disappear in front of everybody... but that magic did not happen. I was left there facing the entire humiliation while my mind was reiterating the phrase that God won't give me something that I can't bear... but then, that was true enough... I made it somehow.


If the part one was cruel enough... the the part two was extremely morbid. But of course, even in movies it is like that, so expect that life would be like that too.

So if I said before that humiliation is just for a moment and soon enough you'll be laughing at it... yeah right! Look who's laughing now.


Two down... more to go!

Never under estimate your opponent.


But I know I can face it all because of God.


They say that happiness is not always about sunshine... sometimes it is about dancing in the rain...


So I say, I'll dance in the storm, let the thunder be my music and the lightning be my spotlight. And when the strong wind carry me into a place full of monsters, its OK... I don't care... YOU will be my beautiful nightmare.

Faith And Faithfulness





“There are many devices in a man’s heart, nevertheless the counsel of the Lord that shall stand.” PROV. 19:21 (KJV)



Faith is the substance of things hoped for. How can you hope for things to come if you do not have faith – right?

Faith is the beginning of hope.



I guess, the reason why God made faith, hope and love is because He knows that life is never easy, it is never fair. And these three (faith, hope, and love) are the only tangible things on earth that could comfort us when we are in despair. When life gets too rough and you began losing your faith and the situation seemed to be hopeless and you begin to doubt in love… you can quit, yes, you can… but, have you ever thought of how worse life would be if you let go of your faith, your hope, and your love? These three cannot guarantee you everything here on earth but it can guarantee you ONE thing… COMFORT. Comfort in your afflictions like a cradle in a foe’s camp.


Life’s main goal is to try us. To try our strength. To prove to us how weak or how strong we could be. To prove to us how coward or how brave we are. Life will continuously try our faith. But this trying of faith springs forth patience. Most of the time, in our weakest moments, that’s the time when life strikes harder, pushing us into the limit, on the verge of our faith. In these trying times we have two options, to let go of our faith that has been holding us up or to faithfully hold on to that faith and hope that things will get better.


Life indeed is a race, so we must run with patience the race that is set before us.


We must remember that through faith we understand the mysteries in life. Through faith, the men and women of the Bible obtained promises and witnessed miracles. Some of them died in faith not having received the promises but having seen them afar off and were persuaded and so, not in their time but in God’s perfect time, it was fulfilled.


Remember: “It is impossible for God to lie…” HEB. 6:18 (KJV)


“So ask (and keep on asking) and it shall be given to you
Seek (and keep on seeking) and ye shall find
Knock (and keep on knocking) and it shall be opened unto you
For anyone that asketh receiveth
And he that seeketh findeth
And to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” MATT. 7:7-8 (KJV)


If we have faith, then the Lord God in heaven is even more faithful in keeping His promises.

The After Fact




Have you ever planned something stupid but fun and it turned out to be out of your control? You thought everything will go the way you had planned it but it didn't... it just didn't! So you embarrassed yourself and for that very moment, you wanted to be invisible, just a part of the street, wishing no one was there or it was you who weren't there. So you tried to sleep it over. When you woke up, your head aches, you know exactly what had happened, your mind is rewinding your humiliation but you don't feel it anymore, you are just laughing now, laughing about that stupid thing you did and so you tell to yourself - “Yeah! I had vomit that green puke in the middle of the street, it stinks, its silly, but that was fearless!”


I guess that is the message that I'm trying to tell here – that is to live life fearlessly. Make it or break it, it doesn't matter. They say a lot of people already died because of the word - “I THOUGHT” but I believe that it is better to whisper that word “ I thought” with you last breath rather than keep on breathing but keep on asking - “What if?”. I don't believe that we should grab chances when it comes because chances never comes. I believe that we should make our own chances, we build our own chances, and once we had built the chance, that 's the time we grab it. But never build a chance if you do not intend to grab because it is just a waste of time. It is like building a house but you refuse to live in it. So, if you want a house, build it and live in it. If you want something, build a chance to have it and once you had built the chance, grab it – FEARLESSLY!



Humiliation could only beat the weak heart, but a fearless heart knows that humiliation is just for a moment and soon after, you will find yourself laughing at it.



Reputation is the difference between “before the fact” and the “after fact”.
Tell the truth now before the fact can no longer lurk itself, at least you proved to everyone that you've got the guts to tell the truth with your own tongue. The after fact could only ruin a reputation because whatever your reason for not telling the truth too soon, they will not listen anyway. Reputation is something you have to build, but who cares anyway? Why do you have to live your life based on other people's opinion – right?


Contradicting?... yes, but it will leave your mind asking.


Fearlessly live your life the way you wanted it without hurting anybody. And whatever life throws at you, rude or nice... just believe in your faith. It might not save you but surely it will comfort you.


Life loves the person who dares live it.


“I don't know why, but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress – FEARLESS!”... YOU INSPIRE ME.

A Few Good Men: Quis Custodet Ipsos Custodes (Part 3)



“Quis custodet ipsos custodes?” - “Who will guard the guards?”


Silence is golden but sometimes it is just plain yellow. Patience is a virtue but sometimes it is just a waste of time... for every thing there is a time - “... a time to love, a time to hate; a time for war, a time for peace.” (Eccl. 3:8 KJV)


So if I've been working for peace for quite a long time now, then I'm fed up. I will rise and I will start the war.


The battle has begun.


I always believe that the pen is mightier than the sword. The tongue is sharper than the razor. And the human heart is more venomous than that of the scorpion sting.


I tried my best to forgive you and give you another chance after another, but this is the last straw and there's nothing more to ask for. It is my dignity that you are trying to invade and destroy. I'm telling you, I won't let that happen, I won't sit here and wait until I can no longer stand and fight. So while I still have my strength, I will fight you with all my might until you run and hide and live like hermits in the forest. You provoked me to start this war. To kill one might save a million.



You are suppose to guard this place, you are suppose to protect us, but we are NOT safe from you. We are guarding ourselves against you. You are wearing that uniform like a sepulcher, like a noble man, but your soul has never seen even a spark of light. “... for you are like whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward but are within full of dead men's bones and of all uncleanness!” (Matt. 23:27 KJV)


You provoked me to start this war, so I did, and I will finish it. I guarantee your defeat! I will win this battle in God's name!


“A soldier fights in a battle not because he hates what is in front of him but because he loves what is in his back.”


I fight because my dignity is at my back.

Frail

yes, I have time... a lot of time... to wait patiently.

but I don't have forever.

its true that no one waits forever because no one has forever... what we have is just our lifetime.




...I'm not that close in giving up... actually... I'm already on the verge and even the softest breeze could make me fall...








so scared to fall... I might not get up again.

My FAITH is failing me...

God, help Thou my unbelief.

If I've known who YOU are...
I'd done it on purpose.