I am surviving my life… not living it. It is like a continuous saga of countless efforts and so I continuously ask God too… about the “why’s” in my life. The efforts that I continuously do everyday are now becoming a burden greater than my shoulder. My face smiles but my heart is broken because I can’t find answers, answers to my never ending questions to God, to everybody… to myself.
I don’t want to cry a tear for this damn situation and so my tears are now welling inside my heart, and now, it is too heavy and my heart can no longer contain these tears.
The pursuit of happiness is indeed a fact…. Maybe, even a gospel (in my own view), cause we keep on pursuing happiness in life and that is why we struggle to live, to survive, just for that damn happiness. I am mad at it! I am so angry at it!
I wish I could see God, I wish I could hold Him, I wish I could talk to Him and hear Him reply back to me because I am too damn tired and sick writing all my damn thoughts and feelings on this blog. I want God to see my tears cause nobody sees it.
I am mad but I don’t know whom I am mad with… maybe I am mad at myself. Maybe because I am spending too much effort in this life or maybe because I am counting all my efforts when it is not right to count it. When we want something, making the efforts to have it must NOT be a burden… it must NOT be counted. Efforts must be done with a happy heart and without expectations. So I am sorry because I’ve been counting all my efforts lately…. Blame my heart because it is now weary and tired doing all the efforts to survive this world, to fight for life, to be strong for life. And forgive my heart for right now it is waving the white flag. My mind is commanding it to stop beating. I guess life is way much peaceful on the other side. I guess I can find God there and see Him face to face.
But then again… I guess God doesn’t want to face me yet… cause everyday I wake up and find out that the air still fills my nostrils… I am breathing. My heart still aches so I know I am still alive and there’s nothing much that I can do about it… cause if I can’t face God… then I have to face life.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The White Flag
I am surviving my life… not living it. It is like a continuous saga of countless efforts and so I continuously ask God too… about the “why’s” in my life. The efforts that I continuously do everyday are now becoming a burden greater than my shoulder. My face smiles but my heart is broken because I can’t find answers, answers to my never ending questions to God, to everybody… to myself.
I don’t want to cry a tear for this damn situation and so my tears are now welling inside my heart, and now, it is too heavy and my heart can no longer contain these tears.
The pursuit of happiness is indeed a fact…. Maybe, even a gospel (in my own view), cause we keep on pursuing happiness in life and that is why we struggle to live, to survive, just for that damn happiness. I am mad at it! I am so angry at it!
I wish I could see God, I wish I could hold Him, I wish I could talk to Him and hear Him reply back to me because I am too damn tired and sick writing all my damn thoughts and feelings on this blog. I want God to see my tears cause nobody sees it.
I am mad but I don’t know whom I am mad with… maybe I am mad at myself. Maybe because I am spending too much effort in this life or maybe because I am counting all my efforts when it is not right to count it. When we want something, making the efforts to have it must NOT be a burden… it must NOT be counted. Efforts must be done with a happy heart and without expectations. So I am sorry because I’ve been counting all my efforts lately…. Blame my heart because it is now weary and tired doing all the efforts to survive this world, to fight for life, to be strong for life. And forgive my heart for right now it is waving the white flag. My mind is commanding it to stop beating. I guess life is way much peaceful on the other side. I guess I can find God there and see Him face to face.
But then again… I guess God doesn’t want to face me yet… cause everyday I wake up and find out that the air still fills my nostrils… I am breathing. My heart still aches so I know I am still alive and there’s nothing much that I can do about it… cause if I can’t face God… then I have to face life.