Pink And Green

Whatever makes you beautiful makes them green with envy.

Shattered Faith


Part I


Debate is not a healthy thing to do because it only leads to two things, one – shaking of faith, and two – shattering of faith. When you enter a debate you are being fed with ideas contrary to your own opinion and at the same time, you are feeding ideas to someone contrary to his opinion too, and at the end of it, if you win, you won but your faith in your idea is shaken. If you lose, your faith is shattered and pain embraces you as if your shattered faith is a shattered glass that wounded your soul for believing in something that you have always trusted to be the truth but then, it turned out to be just a fiction… just a big lie.


Sometimes a man meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. I’ve tried to avoid it, but maybe it is my destiny to meet a destiny that would shatter my faith into pieces and worse than that, destiny is grinding those shattered pieces, making it so fine that you are sure it can never be fix again.


It is the one thing that I’ve trusted all my life, and more than just trust, I have faith on it. And never in my worst nightmare did I imagine that this will happen. And so there goes the lesson – reality is far more frightening than a nightmare.


When you’re in a nightmare, you can always wake up. But in reality, sleeping can never make it better.


We can never really trust anyone, can we?
Because even our own shadows leaves us when darkness falls.

You are the very reason I still have faith but you failed me. So tell me how can I still believe that there is still a good thing in this world when the only good thing that I’ve known since I was born turned out to be not so good at all. The purest turned out to be filthy. The truth became a lie.


It is not easy to accept the truth, but if it is the truth, we really don’t have a choice, do we?


Part II
I never dared to do it, and I never thought I could really do it… but life is a test and God is testing me with one thing I thought and was too sure that I will never do at all. But my heart is becoming too fertile of diabolique things. Yes, the heart is a very deceitful device that even the gods failed to know. It is the most poisonous venom ever known in ages that even the most deadly scorpion and even with a serpent combined cannot equal the heart. Saddest part, there was no known antidote for it.

Cavity

Let’s talk about the sweet things and the bitter as well. How could sweet beginnings turn into something bitter? Well it is like this… when you eat sweets you enjoy it right? But when you have a cavity, it hurts when you eat sweets, you don’t enjoy it anymore. I believe that the heart just like our teeth feels the same. Love is sweet when your heart is full of it, but if it has a crack like a tooth, even the sweetest thing hurts. I guess the best thing to do is to heal it first before you let another sweet thing enters it. Because if you force love to enter inside a broken heart it will only turn that sweet thing into bitter. Just like forcing to eat a chocolate when you have a cavity, you know it is supposed to be sweet yet you are not enjoying it because you are in pain. Think about it… I know I’m right.

Times And Reasons

The longest hiatus...
But for whatever reason, I guess I would like to call it "The First Times". I guess I would like to think of it that way without a reason. First times happen and it is inevitable. Your first word when you were a baby happened, your first step, your first fall, your first crush, your first heart broken, your first guitar and whatever. And for me... my first hiatus. So long that I did not even miss it. But I'm still here, I guess writing will always be a part of me. For whatever reason, it is.

A Lesson From Hitler

When I was a kid, my father used to tell me stories about legendary great people, both good and bad. I guess my father knew that even bad people has a place on earth because they could be used as a good example on how to live your life.



According to my father, Hitler's army was great, well-trained and complete with ammunition. But the secret poison that led Hitler and his army to their fall was the same poison everybody has. This poison has everything in it. It keeps all the deepest secrets and even the most filthy secrets on earth. All great people who had lived has this poison and many had fallen. Some few who survived from this poison were wise enough to realize that this very poison is also the antidote.



It is the human heart.



The fall of Hitler and his army began in their hearts. Hitler's heart started to poison him. He became proud of what he has and became too confident... or a better word – arrogant in his battles. This confidence made him under-estimate his opponents. On the other hand, his opponents, because they were so scared of him did not rest until perfection became their target on the day of the battle field. Hence, the weak and the coward developed the perfect techniques to stab the giants (brave and strong) at their backs and lead them to their fall.



This is the lesson Hitler gave to my father and so he passed it on to me.


I have survived a lot of battles in life because I always remember this story. But the poison will always be inside of me (inside of everybody), and oftentimes it attacks when you are not aware of it.



One fine day it attacked me and I didn't realized it was the poison. It spread so quickly through my veins and it was a bit too late when I found out that I was poisoned.



It took me 3 years to finally realized how massive it is already. Now, though I still have the time, I'm having a hard time reversing the cycle to turn the poison to antidote. It is hard but I'm trying.



Extra effort wasn't enough, though...

and I thought... and am convinced that God is the only one that could heal me.

The Year Of The Capricorn

When it is time to let go, I found out that PAIN could be an inspiration to move on. I guess that is the better side of pain.


This is the story of a Capricorn.

A tale of hope, betrayal, conspiracy, moving on and acceptance of destiny.




The play is over. The actor is dead. I must admit I enjoyed the Capricorn's show, but now it is over. The curtain is close and I was left all alone in my seat, clapping my hands and asking for more but there was nothing left... so pain started to whirl inside of me and it gave me the idea to stand up, get out of the hall and move on.


The end of the Capricorn was frustrating yet full of hope. The truth is, I've seen it coming right off bat. I saw the Centaur approaching the Capricorn in his most friendly way... but I know the heart of that Centaur... I can read his mind and I can feel his heart.

The Centaur wants to kill the Capricorn.


I watched the Centaur moving closer and closer to the Capricorn... I was anticipating, heart throbbing, expecting of what is about to happen between them because I was in between. Finally the Centaur stabbed the Capricorn... not once but twice... one at the back and the other at the front straight to the heart of the Capricorn.


I watched him kill the Capricorn and I don't know why, though I've almost loved the Capricorn, watching him catch his last breath and finally die made me feel happy. But when I've realized that the Capricorn is gone... I felt the pain that inspired me to move on and accept my destiny.


So I let go of the Capricorn like I let go of a kite. Letting it soar the sky but still holding on to the thread that is connected to it. That piece of long thread is my only hope that maybe, when the wind stops blowing, I could win it back... but maybe it is too late... the Centaur finally cut the thread.



Moving on with a string attached...

That is how I let go of it.

But the Centaur cut the thread... (do I have to mention it again?!)

I swear I know that destiny gave up a long time ago even before I realized that I have to do the same...

I was just too stubborn that even destiny gave up on me.


P.S.

The centaur who killed the capricorn became my BESTfriend.






P.P.S.

If you wonder why I'm blogging this... it is because I can't speak right now because the Centaur took my mouth away and for the first time I didn't mind letting go of it.


It was not what I've expected...


What I've felt...

There were no butterflies, no music, no stars.
The world did not stop, it did not even bother to move a little slower...


But I know one secret... it is called "kraps"

Faces

How many times did God has proven that there is something beyond that bent on the road?



Indeed... the answer is ALWAYS.

Confessions Of A Liar (Part 2) : The Benefit Of The Doubt Beyond Reasonable Doubt

It was pass midnight and I was about to fall asleep while my mind was dancing in a silvery moonlit dream while my body was on my bed. Suddenly a thought popped up in my mind while it was in the middle on an elusive imagination.





I thought – “If I don’t have the key to the door, I can always knock… I’ll knock until the door crashes down.”





It might sound very encouraging to anyone who is on the verge of losing hope and falling into an abyss of despair. But here is a little secret that I would want to share (so it won’t be a secret anymore).



If it is life… then it must have had a story.



Here is (just) a chapter of the story.



There are a lot of responsibilities that we must respond to in our lives. And sometimes, or even more often, as we respond to those responsibilities, we sacrifice a part of us.



I guess, sacrifice is a part of our everyday lives… and that humans were born naturally good because we unselfishly sacrifice every day.
Or is it because we really don't have a choice?



Writing is an art of words and a good writer can make a fact sounds like a fiction and a fiction like a fact. But either way, a writer always had a reason why he/she wrote it.





Being a Christian, I write stories about hope, about beautiful things in life, about the brighter sides. But the ugly truth is that, sometimes they are lies.

I have to lie for the sincerest reason – that is to inspire. I have to talk about hope and being hopeful even though I’m the one who is hopeless. I have to talk about how beautiful life is even though my owns eyes can’t appreciate its beauty because my own life is a mess. I have to talk about the brighter sides when in fact; I believe that the grass can NEVER be greener on the other side.



My words can twist a lie but my heart knows the truth.



This is my sacrifice.



If we have to live each day with a sacrifice… then death would be much sweeter.



For death is not a life that ends but a life that has been lived.

This is my confession... A lying mouth with an honest heart.

I wonder if there is someone who really knows my truth because it is not even quite true what I talk about.

The Loud Silence

It’s a long way from there to here…
Longer way to go back…
But the longest is the way to where you are.

Do you have any clue of what it is like to be next to you?
You don’t cause you are you and you can never be next to yourself.

Then I tell you
It is a rush
Like a crashing waves
Like a falling rock
Like a hanging dry leaf that clings to the bough.


I don’t have the key to your heart
So I guess I’ll just knock
But you seem not to hear me
So I guess I have to knock harder
And if you still ignore me…
I’ll knock till your door crashes down then we’ll be face to face.


Does the river know where He is going?

And if He doesn’t…
The universe conspires.


I wish my path will end before your face
But if it doesn’t…
I hope your heart will lead you at my front door
So I will not lock it
Till you dare to come in.

I’m tired but I keep on walking
Cause… It’s a long way from there to here…
Longer way to go back…
But the longest is the way to where you are.