The Struggling Lonely Knight

Its at these moments when I feel so all alone in the battlefield, struggling though tired, to fight the faceless crowd of beasts and of heartless warriors of the dark forces, that I wanted to quit the battle, runaway somewhere, hide and cry. But I’ve kept within me Your words “I’m your shelter, I’m your strength, I’m your shield as you battle in the field alone. I’m your Shepherd and you are my beloved sheep. And though you walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will be there for you, to comfort you, I will never let you go, I will never leave you.”

Amidst the darkness as I march down the aisles of hell, God’s hand is holding me. Though I don’t really see Him in the midst of the dark, I feel His presence even more in this living hell I’m lost in.

I’m trusting You enough to break me because I know You alone can remake me… make me whole again. To bear the name of a real “Christian”, to be worthy to be call a “Christian”. In this sweet sadness… this glorious defeat for Your name… You alone be honored, loved exalted and no trace of “I” be found.

As I hold on to Your promise… You’ll never let me go.

Amidst the gloom, I still say… To God Be The Glory! Amen.

Roaming Gospel

I wanted to stand and speak and be the voice of those silent, misunderstood good people. Please don’t get us wrong. It hurts when people think you don’t care and judge you even when they don’t even know even just a piece of you.

The fact here is this… inside the church, people there are the so called “Christians”, they are the good flock. Now, there’s nothing wrong in nourishing these good lambs but I believe that far more than that, we are ought to seek the lost lambs, and those lost lambs aren’t found inside the church (hope you get what I mean). They are out there somewhere – lost. DON’T EVER think that those church members that aren’t that active inside the church belonged to what they so called “I DON”T CARE – Ministry”, because far more than what you think you know, they are spreading the Gospel in their own way.

Just imagine if all of us are so dedicated BUT ONLY inside the church, so active BUT ONLY inside the church… who will be there to seek the lost souls outside the church? How about them?

I say, Gospel should NOT ONLY be preach inside the church, IT should be EVERYWHERE. It should NOT ONLY be expressed in words BUT ALSO in actions and in deeds.

Some may not be that active inside the church, they might just sit at one corner and keep silent but who knows how this silent Christian preach the Gospel in his/her workplace/school/etc.? He/She might just be just another face in the crowd inside the congregation but who knows how he/she helps other people and seek for the lost souls outside the church vicinity?

I say… we preach the Gospel NOT in church BUT in our homes and workplace. We preach the Gospel NOT for the good lambs BUT for the LOST SOULS. We preach the Gospel NOT JUST in words but through our actions and deeds and the way we get along with our neighbor… even to the non-believers OUT THERE.

So to those who think we are a bunch of people who do not care about winning souls for the Lord just because we are not that loud inside the church… why don’t you peep us outside the church and see how these silent Christians preach the Gospel... and then you will know that we DO CARE.

OUTREACH IS ABOUT REACHING OUT-SIDE TO BRING THEM INSIDE.

Ballad Of A Sinner

Who? Who can heal this broken man?
Badly wounded by the war not seen by the naked eye,
No bombs, no aeroplanes; just grief and anguish and bitter sighs.
Who? Who can find this lost man?
Lost in his own busy world,
Where lusts and lies is all that is served.
Who? Who can deliver this guilty man?
Spirit unfree not from bars but in pain,
Imprisoned not in jail nor in chains.
Who? Who can forgive this sinful man?
Of the most unknown filthy secrets,
Kept deep in the heart of regrets.
Who? Who can save this dying man?
Tortured by his own hostile hands,
His soul – a place of desolation like a deserted land.
Who? Who can hear this screaming man?
In the silence of his mouth,
In the chaos of a faceless crowd.



And just who? Who will believe in You?
When everybody thinks You are just what some made You to be.
And who? Just who is worthy to write a song for You?
When all words seemed to be not so fitting for Thee.
Who? Who is worthy to sing that song for You?
The sweetest lullaby they would call and all will agree.



Who? Who can sacrifice His own life?
Die there on the cross,
While the world remains unmoved by what it had just lost.
Who? Who can face death for someone else’s life?
To be shamed to give us pride,
To become poor to make us rich in His sight.



Who? Who can tell the story of redemption?
To a world that never cares,
To a world that never listen and never even dares.
Now who? Who can give me that sweet salvation?
The One who can guide me across that stormy cold night,
And after the dark, just what will I see in the day light.



Who? Who can destroy something built for years?
And restore it back in three days,
Not for glory nor honor but for us to believe more than just His face.
Who? Who can make me from miry clay and tears?
I can let You break me just to be whole again,
Even a thousand times of pain if it worth all the gain.



I know it will worth it…
To drink that crimson blood of the worthy lamb,
And live with Thee there in Your promised land.

Hacker Talk

" Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me...
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe..."
(Across The Universe : The Beatles)

A lonely hacker told me once that I have that potential of being a good hacker… that is to count how did I find him in the world of web’s when it was the most unlikely to happen. So, since I have found him, that made him think that I’m good. Now, it is not that I don’t believe him nor I’m actually having some low self-esteem regarding such … don’t get me wrong, I know myself better than those who just hack around me like I do. It is just that I am too frustrated this time for not ending the way I wanted some thing to come to an end. I hope you get the picture. Everyone is entitled to feel bad sometimes especially when it is overwhelming… I reckon. But things will be better. I guess. I better think that way … right?

Ciao!

God bless!

Just A (Regular) Day

Today is my “Regularity Day’… Congratulations to me!

And though it is just a regular day, I believe that everyday has its own inevitable truth to deal with. Awhile ago during my shift in the hospital someone died and it was damn right eerie to see things happen right before your eyes. You know… something whacking you right off bat… right?

Nope! I don’t have a trauma regarding what had happened… not because I’m used to this nor because I’m too insensible but because I’m learning.

I’ve been too emotional all my life and just a drop of a hat could make me cry… but life for me should not be always the same. I’m learning not to attach myself too much with all the things around me so that it would be more easy (than usual) to cope up when they are gone. I’m learning the hard way… I know that. It seems like I’ve been having this remedial classes regarding life all my life and yet I haven’t graduated yet. It’s like I run this street a thousand times before but still I fall.

But anyway… life goes on.

To every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

The 4th Of July

Well I saw fireworks from the freeway and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
Cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring
now something on the surface it stinks
that something on the surface well it kind of makes me nervous who says that you deserve this
and what kind of god would serve this? We will cure this dirty old disease
if you've gots the poison I've gots the remedy

the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I says the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I said the tragedy is how youre gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends and when it all amounts to nothing in the end.

(REMEDY by: Jason Mraz)

Happy 4th of July!

The Lonely Hacker

I woke up late today still mingling all the thoughts that accumulated in my brain since last weekend. I heard our neighbor muffled around and I heard him sing some old tunes from his era. He is always as cheerful as ever. He is old… maybe just a bit younger than my dad, but he is always wearing that smile. Sometimes, when I pass by his house I could hear him complain but still smiling – and I reckon, maybe he is in the brighter side of his gloom. What a wise old man.



Then I suddenly realize the dramatic changes of everything and everyone around me. The kids I used to see before are now becoming young men and ladies. Those little girls are becoming and looking more like their mothers each day. They are growing.

I saw this old familiar face and I could barely believe that he gained weight. Well, as if while everything and everyone around me evolves, while life moves around me everywhere, I’m still the same – left out with the changes. Maybe because I don’t want to… or maybe I’m just scared.



I wonder if they noticed me. Maybe I’m the only one who keenly observes everything and everyone around me and still get mesmerized by a falling leaf. A keen observer. A lonely hacker.




P.S. I made my decision but am not so sure if it is right. There are variety of decisions, there is the “RIGHT” decision, the “WRONG” decision, “MY” decision, “YOUR” decision, “OUR” decision, “THEIR” decision, and of course “GOD’S” decision.



And I made “MY” decision. Hope you get the picture of my point of view.



“When I see how my path seem to end up before your face…”

FRESHMEN

I remember 5 years ago, I’ve read that infamous quote from our University Paper editor-in-chief that left me with both a struggling cry and inspiration that made me who I am today. He said “No matter how you try to fake it, no matter how you try to hide it, there’s always that something with those freshmen that gives everyone the impression that they are merely freshmen.”



To tell you the truth, that struck me for such a reason that I can not deny… I was once that freshman he was talking about. I’ve tried to fake it, I’ve tried to play it nice and cool like everything around me is just what it used to, like nothing was new and strange… but I knew it even before that everybody knows… I’m merely freshman. Playing it hard enough to keep everything cool but the tension was so hot… heck! Ya know what I mean – right?



But those days are gone now. I earned my degree, passed the National Board exams and now working in my so-called “dream job”. And whenever I see freshmen, those new faces in the face of the giant university here in a spinning city, I couldn’t help but smile with nostalgia as I remember the once was “me” in my lifetime. Their innocence they are trying to hide but in their eyes reflects the truth… they are merely freshmen.



They are always in groups like those bees you could picture in your brains that could never fly alone, like those ants that could never work alone. They play it hard (just like me) to impress the faceless crowd, trying to stand out… but everybody knows… and I know… they are merely freshmen.



So I sigh knowing that those bygone years were just so yesterday. I’ve built dreams and was able to make them tangible enough with my bare hands. I have been to abyss but was able to surmount the dungeon and was able to step again on the pedestal. I’ve learned and gain a lot of things which I thought, once were just meant to be just merely dreams. I know that my time belongs to yesterday now and now it is their time, but their faces, their laughters, their timid stares gives me that feeling that in a way or another I still belong with those freshmen… because I was once was. I was once one of them though in different time. But who knows about the time that could only come and go so swiftly for eternity… infinitely.



The edifice I used to go to worned out and was made new. The uniforms I used to wear I see them now worn by those innocents.



So I once again sigh and smile and wonder how long it has been since yesterday… when I was once a freshman… merely freshman.

The Moment I Knew You Cry:Part 2

I could hardly remember the last time I wrote a prose, a poem, or a song. It was such a bygone since I wrote my last journal either. I'm so much engaged with my work lately that I seldom have the time to reflect about the things that's going on with my life. They call me workaholic in our workplace for spending 16 hours a day at work leaving the other 8 hours just to take a nap and then shower then back to work again. I suddenly feel the dramatic withering of my health right now. Even at my very young age, I'm considering death already. I'm not trying to exaggerate things nor am I trying to scare anybody... it is simply what I feel.


I'm starting to wonder how many people would actually attend my funeral. Will they be too busy to have even just an ample time to drop by on my last touch on earth? But what moves me more than anything else is the fact that, how many lives have I touched here on earth? It was for me the ultimate goal of living. To touch and make a difference to somebody's life like what Jesus did when He walked here on earth. I always say that I have led a wonderful life and I mean it, though. I know that, even though I have made a lot of mistakes, I never once regret any of them because I am who I am right now because of them. But though I have led a wonderful life, I know I'm missing something real. I have never loved yet. No one has ever catch my breath and leave me dancing in trance. I wonder if love is for everybody or just for some lucky individuals out there... then maybe... I'm out of luck. I maybe blessed with so many things in life but that never changed even just a bit of that mere fact.



How do you respond when everything just simply goes your way. Suddenly my dreams are so tangible. Just recently, I was able to purchase my own disc player and just a couple of months ago I just bought my new guitar. Those were merely simple things that I bet not everybody could appreciate such... but I do. I love simple things in life because those are the closest to human being... closest to the soul. But though I could appreciate the simplest thing the world could offer, still I'm in search for something real, something tangible close enough to heaven. I feel like the exact epitome of a heart so scared to be broken, hence, never learned to love, a soul so scared to die, hence, never learned to live. In my dying moment, perhaps, I won't have regrets, and still would say that I have led a wonderful life and I would be happy with my dazzling memories playing all over my nostalgic reveries, but I would be sure of one great thing... I'm missing something simply great.



I could no longer picture myself more than you could picture someone you never knew. It was like a stranger you were looking for in a faceless crowd.



For a moment, I come to that sinking realization that everything is vain.



So my mind once again popped you up again...



"You were always the cold one... but I was never that sure...
In places no one will find all your feelings so deep inside.
Was then that I realize that forever was in your eyes...
I wanted to know you..."



P.S. Just saw the movie Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer just a while ago... and I think everything is feeding me with one lesson... "We can always choose"... you know... just like what Peter Parker said in his own story. And yeah!... another lesson " Never trust someone you knew you can never trust"... don't be silly!



P.P.S. Next Feature: FRESHMEN