Hacker Talk

" Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me...
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe..."
(Across The Universe : The Beatles)

A lonely hacker told me once that I have that potential of being a good hacker… that is to count how did I find him in the world of web’s when it was the most unlikely to happen. So, since I have found him, that made him think that I’m good. Now, it is not that I don’t believe him nor I’m actually having some low self-esteem regarding such … don’t get me wrong, I know myself better than those who just hack around me like I do. It is just that I am too frustrated this time for not ending the way I wanted some thing to come to an end. I hope you get the picture. Everyone is entitled to feel bad sometimes especially when it is overwhelming… I reckon. But things will be better. I guess. I better think that way … right?

Ciao!

God bless!

Just A (Regular) Day

Today is my “Regularity Day’… Congratulations to me!

And though it is just a regular day, I believe that everyday has its own inevitable truth to deal with. Awhile ago during my shift in the hospital someone died and it was damn right eerie to see things happen right before your eyes. You know… something whacking you right off bat… right?

Nope! I don’t have a trauma regarding what had happened… not because I’m used to this nor because I’m too insensible but because I’m learning.

I’ve been too emotional all my life and just a drop of a hat could make me cry… but life for me should not be always the same. I’m learning not to attach myself too much with all the things around me so that it would be more easy (than usual) to cope up when they are gone. I’m learning the hard way… I know that. It seems like I’ve been having this remedial classes regarding life all my life and yet I haven’t graduated yet. It’s like I run this street a thousand times before but still I fall.

But anyway… life goes on.

To every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

The 4th Of July

Well I saw fireworks from the freeway and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
Cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring
now something on the surface it stinks
that something on the surface well it kind of makes me nervous who says that you deserve this
and what kind of god would serve this? We will cure this dirty old disease
if you've gots the poison I've gots the remedy

the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I says the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I said the tragedy is how youre gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends and when it all amounts to nothing in the end.

(REMEDY by: Jason Mraz)

Happy 4th of July!

The Lonely Hacker

I woke up late today still mingling all the thoughts that accumulated in my brain since last weekend. I heard our neighbor muffled around and I heard him sing some old tunes from his era. He is always as cheerful as ever. He is old… maybe just a bit younger than my dad, but he is always wearing that smile. Sometimes, when I pass by his house I could hear him complain but still smiling – and I reckon, maybe he is in the brighter side of his gloom. What a wise old man.



Then I suddenly realize the dramatic changes of everything and everyone around me. The kids I used to see before are now becoming young men and ladies. Those little girls are becoming and looking more like their mothers each day. They are growing.

I saw this old familiar face and I could barely believe that he gained weight. Well, as if while everything and everyone around me evolves, while life moves around me everywhere, I’m still the same – left out with the changes. Maybe because I don’t want to… or maybe I’m just scared.



I wonder if they noticed me. Maybe I’m the only one who keenly observes everything and everyone around me and still get mesmerized by a falling leaf. A keen observer. A lonely hacker.




P.S. I made my decision but am not so sure if it is right. There are variety of decisions, there is the “RIGHT” decision, the “WRONG” decision, “MY” decision, “YOUR” decision, “OUR” decision, “THEIR” decision, and of course “GOD’S” decision.



And I made “MY” decision. Hope you get the picture of my point of view.



“When I see how my path seem to end up before your face…”

FRESHMEN

I remember 5 years ago, I’ve read that infamous quote from our University Paper editor-in-chief that left me with both a struggling cry and inspiration that made me who I am today. He said “No matter how you try to fake it, no matter how you try to hide it, there’s always that something with those freshmen that gives everyone the impression that they are merely freshmen.”



To tell you the truth, that struck me for such a reason that I can not deny… I was once that freshman he was talking about. I’ve tried to fake it, I’ve tried to play it nice and cool like everything around me is just what it used to, like nothing was new and strange… but I knew it even before that everybody knows… I’m merely freshman. Playing it hard enough to keep everything cool but the tension was so hot… heck! Ya know what I mean – right?



But those days are gone now. I earned my degree, passed the National Board exams and now working in my so-called “dream job”. And whenever I see freshmen, those new faces in the face of the giant university here in a spinning city, I couldn’t help but smile with nostalgia as I remember the once was “me” in my lifetime. Their innocence they are trying to hide but in their eyes reflects the truth… they are merely freshmen.



They are always in groups like those bees you could picture in your brains that could never fly alone, like those ants that could never work alone. They play it hard (just like me) to impress the faceless crowd, trying to stand out… but everybody knows… and I know… they are merely freshmen.



So I sigh knowing that those bygone years were just so yesterday. I’ve built dreams and was able to make them tangible enough with my bare hands. I have been to abyss but was able to surmount the dungeon and was able to step again on the pedestal. I’ve learned and gain a lot of things which I thought, once were just meant to be just merely dreams. I know that my time belongs to yesterday now and now it is their time, but their faces, their laughters, their timid stares gives me that feeling that in a way or another I still belong with those freshmen… because I was once was. I was once one of them though in different time. But who knows about the time that could only come and go so swiftly for eternity… infinitely.



The edifice I used to go to worned out and was made new. The uniforms I used to wear I see them now worn by those innocents.



So I once again sigh and smile and wonder how long it has been since yesterday… when I was once a freshman… merely freshman.

The Moment I Knew You Cry:Part 2

I could hardly remember the last time I wrote a prose, a poem, or a song. It was such a bygone since I wrote my last journal either. I'm so much engaged with my work lately that I seldom have the time to reflect about the things that's going on with my life. They call me workaholic in our workplace for spending 16 hours a day at work leaving the other 8 hours just to take a nap and then shower then back to work again. I suddenly feel the dramatic withering of my health right now. Even at my very young age, I'm considering death already. I'm not trying to exaggerate things nor am I trying to scare anybody... it is simply what I feel.


I'm starting to wonder how many people would actually attend my funeral. Will they be too busy to have even just an ample time to drop by on my last touch on earth? But what moves me more than anything else is the fact that, how many lives have I touched here on earth? It was for me the ultimate goal of living. To touch and make a difference to somebody's life like what Jesus did when He walked here on earth. I always say that I have led a wonderful life and I mean it, though. I know that, even though I have made a lot of mistakes, I never once regret any of them because I am who I am right now because of them. But though I have led a wonderful life, I know I'm missing something real. I have never loved yet. No one has ever catch my breath and leave me dancing in trance. I wonder if love is for everybody or just for some lucky individuals out there... then maybe... I'm out of luck. I maybe blessed with so many things in life but that never changed even just a bit of that mere fact.



How do you respond when everything just simply goes your way. Suddenly my dreams are so tangible. Just recently, I was able to purchase my own disc player and just a couple of months ago I just bought my new guitar. Those were merely simple things that I bet not everybody could appreciate such... but I do. I love simple things in life because those are the closest to human being... closest to the soul. But though I could appreciate the simplest thing the world could offer, still I'm in search for something real, something tangible close enough to heaven. I feel like the exact epitome of a heart so scared to be broken, hence, never learned to love, a soul so scared to die, hence, never learned to live. In my dying moment, perhaps, I won't have regrets, and still would say that I have led a wonderful life and I would be happy with my dazzling memories playing all over my nostalgic reveries, but I would be sure of one great thing... I'm missing something simply great.



I could no longer picture myself more than you could picture someone you never knew. It was like a stranger you were looking for in a faceless crowd.



For a moment, I come to that sinking realization that everything is vain.



So my mind once again popped you up again...



"You were always the cold one... but I was never that sure...
In places no one will find all your feelings so deep inside.
Was then that I realize that forever was in your eyes...
I wanted to know you..."



P.S. Just saw the movie Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer just a while ago... and I think everything is feeding me with one lesson... "We can always choose"... you know... just like what Peter Parker said in his own story. And yeah!... another lesson " Never trust someone you knew you can never trust"... don't be silly!



P.P.S. Next Feature: FRESHMEN

What's The Point Of Me Being Here...

when Being Here Is What I Fear.

The Battle Lies Within

It says "The Battle Lies Within". In any way it is true. Most of the time, our greatest foe is our own self. Our pride, our madness. So much to talk about the movie Spiderman 3. Just saw it recently on the big screen and all I could say is that, I never run out of lessons to learn, though. So to start yet another crap... here goes my list... again.



1.) We can always choose.

* In the last scenes of the movie, Spiderman was talking... a sort of a voice over telling the viewers about the lesson he wants to share. That is, we could always choose. To be good or bad, to be right or wrong. Never blame the dilemma or the destiny you're in because you can always choose. And I figured out, after so long... I mean, for so many years my mind was battling about the truth on how we are supposed to stand on our beliefs. Is it all about destiny or choice? And right after watching Spiderman 3, I figured out that life is NOT JUST about destiny NOR choices. IT IS BOTH. We are destined to be in situations we never thought about because we are destined to encounter such situations. It was planned long ago by that Big Guy above that we are about to face such challenges... but we choose how to deal with it, we choose how to react on it, we choose how to handle and solve it. So life is all about (IT IS BOTH) destiny and choices... you'll never know what you gonna get. (Ooops! Forrest Gump?!)


2.) Forgiveness.

* I think, the whole story was actually all about forgiveness. I reckon so. There's that part in the movie when Peter was talking to his aunt, when he told his aunt that the man who killed his uncle is already dead, his aunt was not so happy. And she told Peter that if ever his uncle was still alive today, he never wanted them to live a single moment with revenge in their hearts. Now, I think that is a good one. I figured out long ago, I mean even before... that that thing is really hard to do even to those who we can consider equal opportunity saints. But then again, it is our choice to do the humanly act of revenge or to forgive so as we are forgiven by the Divine. I always believe that to love is but a human but to forgive is divine. Forgiveness... yes, forgive those who had done you wrong and mostly, forgive yourself. It will lighten your burden inside... I reckon so. But it is true... who wants to live their lives full of grudges by the way? So then... forgive.



3.) The battle lies within.

* It is true that when the world is so bad but you remain good, sometimes, it sucks to be the only kind person living. And sometimes, it really feels good to be bad... so the battle lies within. You feel the power and it is good but eventually you will lose yourself. So again, it is your choice, to be bad because it feels good but then you will lose yourself or to remain kind even though the world sucks. (I know this sound a bit ridiculous but come on! we can make this world a better place... heaven is here on earth only if we know how to work for it and appreciate it before our eyes.)


4.) Everybody needs help.

* MJ told that one true thing to Peter... "everybody needs help... sometimes, even Spiderman." Oooh! what a line! Who doesn't need a saviour anyway - right? Come on! save yourself if you can... but I doubt it! Can you save yourself from the fiery of hell because of your sins? Come on! Tell me, who doesn't need a saviour?



5.) Friendship/Trust after betrayal.

* It is a good thing to think that such friends exist, you know, after all that had happened between Peter and Harry, in the end, their friendship still won the battle in spite all the odd times. Again, it is Harry's choice to help the one who he thought killed his father, who won the girl he loved, who was the best and leaving him only the 2nd place in almost every aspect of their lives. He could have joined the villains if he wanted to so that it would be the end of both Peter Parker and Spiderman, but he didn't. He choose to be a good person in spite of self pity and that bitter angst of revenge. He chose to help his friend leaving what lies behind. Harry is indeed a hero... too, not only Spiderman - right?!


That's All Folks!



P.S.
Why do super heroes not raised up by their real parents? I mean Superman was raised by some kind folks and Spidey was raised up by his aunt and uncle. Also, why do they always work in some newspaper prints as photographers? - Just mind boggling!



P.P.S.
Who doesn't want popularity?
Who doesn't want to be famous by the way?
Even Spiderman wants that!



That's all you get from you friendly neighborhood... Odessa Mann! =p

Dreams Are Just Meant To Be Dreams

Life is a S**T and I'm wasting my time without gaining anything.
I'm drowning with this bitter angst again... I hate it but I can't help it.
When will I get over with all these frustrations.
Maybe some dreams are really "just" meant to be for dreaming... never coming true. =(


P.S. I'm still considering the illusion of pursuing medicine course... after all this time... no way can I deny it, though!


Oh! Dream on gurl!
It sucks to stay dreaming!