Ode to the Woman that I am

She is a warrior in a battle unknown.
And she wears her armour with fashion.
She is tired but her heart still beats with burning passion.
And she cries in the stillness of the night to clear her vision.

Her strength is her crown.
Her confidence is her beauty.
And if her smile makes you frown,
Then that is what she calls insecurity.

Step on her and she will still walk with grace.
Talk to her and you will be amazed.
For in every road she leaves a trace
And a beautiful mark in every heart in space.

Minutes to Midnight

I just would like to have a simple post in memory of Mr. Chester Bennington. One of the best rock star I've ever known. He is one of my best influences in life. I will always be indebted to him and his music because it became my sanctuary during the dark times in my life.

R.I.P. Chester Bennington

In the end... There goes the voice of my childhood teenage angst brigade.

Your voice was joy and pain, anger and forgiveness, love and heartache all wrapped up into one. I pray you find peace in the next life.- Chester Bennington

TEKEL : The Great Paradigm Shift

Daniel 5:27 "TEKEL; Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting." - KJV


Here's the thing about beauty. Beauty is pleasing and is designed to charm. But if you exposed yourself too much in it... It will haunt you, in dreams, in every pavement, every corner and every streets, in every breath and every song.
And so beauty becomes a tragedy.

And it happened to me for as long as I can remember my very first word.
I got so mesmerized in the beauty of art and what it has to offer, and so I got blinded with the beauty.
At first, it promised me so many beautiful things... For beauty is what it always offer. For it is the supreme duty to kill everyone with its beauty.
And those promises were so damn beautiful but it remained a promise not turning into reality.
But I kept on asking for more promises...
More beautiful things...
Until that beauty became my sweet poison.
I was so drunk with that potion that I thought I was doing the right thing.
I fought in the name of ART, of beauty and all that it could offer until I am all alone left fighting and struggling.
No one cares to fight for ART anymore; not even ART itself wants to fight for beauty. Everyone got tired until I chose to get tired too.
In my desperate struggle for that long fight, I tossed my sword, take off my armour and walked away alone because no one is there with me anymore. Not even ART.
He left a long time ago.


ART made me happy. I am his lover and a fan. I live my life in every form of ART, but happiness in the name of ART is a struggle to go through each and everyday killing me and all the other beautiful things that surrounds me. So I have to let go.

Sometimes, promises must be broken in order to be fulfilled.

I walked away with that saddest hymn of defeat and impeccable goodbye that I think ART itself wants to hear from me a long time ago... He is waiting for me to let go of him... My lover, my pride, my passion, my beauty... My ART.

No more sweet lullabies.
No more summer of '69.
No more drowning in coffee and lemonade.
No more teenage angst brigade.
No more nostalgia in Brisbane.
No more Novocaine.
No more zephyr in Colorado.
No more making plans for tomorrow.
No more waltz in Tennessee.
No more holding on to the flame for everyone to see.
No more strawberry fields in Liverpool.
No more sitting on a hill like a fool.
No more wonder wall.
No more angels in the marble.
No more sweetest downfall.
No more floating like a cannon ball.
No more Vincent's eyes so blue.
No more songs for an angel that flew.
No more sister golden hair surprise.
No more semi charmed kind of life.
No more empty chair waiting.
No more springtime in February morning.
No more angels flying without wings.
No more four strong winds.
No more last great American.
No more songs for Stephen.
And neither for Adrianne.
No more paper cuts.
No more bright lights.
No more drinking for the youth.
No more Clint Eastwood.
No more good riddance.
No more long ways to run.
No more heart like yours.
No more child warrior.
No more heaven by your side.
No more you and I collide.
No more ironies.
No more love and symphonies.
No more erase and rewinds.
No more morning bells that chime.
No more rhythm of the falling rain.
No more antifreeze and aeroplanes.
No more story of a girl.
No more talk on corners.
No more age of the underdog.
No more long and winding road.
No more asking why does it always rain on me.
No more tea and sympathy.
No more odds that are.
No more tar in that old cigar.
No more leader of the band.
No more Alice in wonderland.
No more tasting saline when I kiss your tears.
No more cold coffee in the morning freeze.
No more hotel California.
No more losing Amelia.
No more Timothy.
No more remedies.
No more hybrid theories.
No more crying like a church on Monday.
No more woods in Norway.
No more musikero.
No more piano concerto.
No more hanging by a moment.
No more broken sonnet.
No more city of angels.
No more circles and triangles.


I know I missed a lot of you out there... Sorry, I can't write all of your songs here but they are all locked inside my heart.

I salute all those artists that cultivated me and touched my life. Growing and learning with all of you is one thing I know I will carry with me when I die.

I've built you a sepulchre in my heart.


Now, I have to leave and just hope that we'll meet again along the way.

Because....

I think paradigm shift is a must in some point of our lives.

I believe that those who cannot change their minds are in the verge of not using it.

So I changed my mind.

And my heart came next to it.

So help me God not to want when I have to tip the balances.

All in Jesus name.
Amen.

The Art of Commerce

"Yes, I understand that film making is a business and we all need to make money. But at the same time, not all business. As an art form, films are reflection of our culture and our soul as a nation. In my opinion, we must first protect our souls before we attend to our pockets. " - Ricky Lee


Upon hearing on the news about the controversy of MMFF and the immediate resignation of some of its members in the committee, my heart was seeped again with that arrow of rage because, again, I felt the need of ART to be respected. MMFF is supposed to give the audience not just MINDLESS entertainment but ART. And in the past years, I see no art in the circulation but only money. And it breaks my heart like a lover because I am a lover of art. I respect artistry so much that I hate to see it being pushed away.
While others would say, MMFF has to offer mindless entertainment in the name of business and profit, I believe that let those people who wanted to buy junks feed their minds with junks but don't give them the credits.
What I'm trying to say is, MMFF is an award giving committee that must acknowledge art in movies. Let alone those movies with no art top the box office, that's already their prize. But MMFF should give the awards to those films that are made of art. Because art deserves it.
Let alone those blockbuster movies have the money because that's the only thing they deserve, the money... But not the respect that only those with pure art could have.
I suggest that MMFF should be mindful about their entries and awards and to whom it is given to.

I find it hard to understand myself, why on earth do we have to fight for our rights to watch high quality art-full movies. That's why people nowadays only work for money and art is becoming the job of what they "call" the IMPRACTICAL and ILLOGICAL PEOPLE. But I tell you, we maybe few with this kind of mindset regarding art... BUT WE ARE FAR MORE LOGICAL, RATIONAL AND WISE IN OUR OWN CRAFT BECAUSE WE HAVE ART IN WHAT WE DO. WE DO IT WITH PASSION AND NOT FOR MONEY. AND THAT IS PRACTICALLY FAR MORE IMPORTANT IN LIFE THAN MONEY COULD DO.

I don't want to expect that people will understand art.
I don't want to expect.
I did not expect.
But I am still disappointed.

So...
I fight for ART.
I will continue to fight in the name of ART.

Lennonade

When I was younger, so much younger than today...

When I was in grade school, I read one of the most influential story ever to touch my life... The story of a five year old John Lennon.
This is his story - "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life."

That story really got me as a child and at that young age I became aware that success is about being happy. It is about being able to sleep safe and sound at night, being at peace with yourself.

When I was in highschool, our teacher asked us to write in a piece of paper what we want to be when we grow up. I wrote "I want to be who and what I wanted to be." And like Lennon's teacher, my teacher also said that I did not get the point of her question, but little did she know, I already wrote in my composition paper the reason of my answer. I wrote back then that as a person, we tend to want one thing at this moment and another thing on the next minute. I am aware that we may want to be a doctor today but a rock star tomorrow. I am aware that your job or your career will not provide you happiness. And as young as I was back then, I already got my own definition of what SUCCESS means... And that is being HAPPY. I wrote that answer because being WHO and WHAT you want at the VERY PRECISE MOMENT that you WANT it to be is a moment of personal success.

As I grew up... I became more aware that what I thought of as a young kid was indeed true. My salary may not be that big like others but I find fulfillment in my job. A lot of people wanted me to go abroad because hospitals abroad offers higher salary, but I decline. Some would say I'm a coward, some say that I don't want to go beyond my comfort zone, some say I'm not wise. I REFUSE TO ENTERTAIN THEIR IDEA OF ME. I had my reasons, and if my reasons are not reasonable enough for them, then I don't care. I believe in the spirit of patriotism. I believe that my country needs my service even how small I am contributing in this society. I believe that the big sum of money that I can get by working abroad may give me the material things that money can buy but it will not give me that happiness that I keep on blabbing about.
I may be misunderstood by many, but I am at peace with myself and I could stand in front of everyone else and look them straight in the eye that I am successful in my own path because I am happy.

I define success by how happy I am at this moment.
And I keep on saying that word MOMENT because the PRESENT is more important than your future. Because what you do and who you are at the present will become the very foundation of your future.
I say PRESENT, because even though how promising you are, you CAN NOT promise tomorrow, because tomorrow is not yours to give.
I say PRESENT, because if tomorrow never comes, what importance is there in the future.

We keep on saying that this world is getting worst, that crimes and different kinds of oppressions are everywhere, but what can I say, man created this kind of chaos. Parents play a vital role in this. A lot of parents compare their children in terms of academic excellence while old people compare their adult children on who is earning the highest salary, and so kids now are in the era of money matters. Parents should teach their children that success is not measured by money nor power nor fame. It is about happiness deep within. Happiness on what you can do now so that you can look forward to a better you. Happiness on who you are now so that you can look forward to a happier you.

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN LEARN AND NOT ON WHAT YOU CAN EARN.

Maybe a lot of people like John Lennon are being misunderstood because of their definition of success. Maybe a lot of great people like John Lennon are misunderstood before they had proven themselves right.
But I leave you with a quote from yet another great character - “Have I gone mad? I’m afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are.” – The Mad Hatter
(Alice in Wonderland)

Of Art, Beauty, and Inspiration

There are a lot of really beautiful and meaningful songs out there, which is sad to say, are underrated and do not make it to the top lists of hits because, sad to say, most of the listeners now appreciate junk music. I mean, its like choosing junk foods over a bowl of salad because it taste much better though it doesn't have any nutrition. Like junk music with that up beat that makes everyone dance or tap their foot, but the words are just repeating words without direction or meaning or sad to say, sense.
And as a person who looks up so much to music, I find it a bit disrespectful to such a fine art to be treated or created that way. I mean, music is an art. An art that I respect so much that it hurts me in a way only a music and his lover could understand, every time the art in music is taken for granted. I mean the art IN music.
ART IN MUSIC, because anyone can make a music even if you are disregarding art in making it... Hence, noise was created.
And my heart just breaks in pieces every time I hear a nice song that nobody knows... For reasons like, a company rejected it because they think people will not buy it because people nowadays prefer junks, or because it was released but people did not really buy it because they do really prefer junks. It breaks my heart as a songwriter not being heard. I know how it feels. I know how music keep on banging inside us wanting to prove to the world that there's so much art and beauty but no one appreciates real art now.
Its sad.
Sad that kids no longer hear such fine artistry nowadays and sadder to think they might not hear it in their lifetime.
So I keep on trying. Trying to make a way to bring back the art in music.
Who knows...

French fries

I had two dreams in one night.

It is a fact coated with fiction.
Reality and dreams collide.

One night.

Reality- I am currently having some big issues at work and in my personal life as well, and all I can do is pray and trust God. And yes, sometimes I whine to God.

In my dream, I was too weary and tired but still working at my workplace. Then suddenly my staff told me that there was a free lunch box outside and I should get one and eat because I was too tired and hungry. Then suddenly everybody was eating except me, because I did not get my share. Then I woke up feeling bad about my dream. Like I was so left out and that I was not getting what I want and what I need in life. So I pray hard. I cried to the Lord about what I feel and about my unfinished dreams and about my sorrows and my heartbreaks... I poured my heart to the Lord until I fell asleep while praying.

Then I dreamed again. I was riding a bus going somewhere and after the bus stopped, I climbed a very high mountain. Upon reaching the top, I paused for a while to appreciate the beautiful view. And then on top of that mountain was a restaurant. So I went in but there was no one to assist me, so I went to the counter and asked for a menu. The waiter gave me a menu and told me that if I want special orders He would be pleased to cook it for me. So I ordered for a roasted chicken and mashed potato and a special order - fish fillet. After a while, my food is ready and yes, it was so delicious and He even gave me a glass of iced coffee with coffee jelly in it. After eating everything I asked for my bill and He said - since you have special orders, everything is free. And then He gave me a plate full of French fries and told me that I should share those fries to other people. Then I asked Him why should I share these fries? And He told me that I should share what I've learned in my dreams.

Then I woke up, its morning already.

While I was still trying not to go back to sleep, I suddenly realized the lesson in my dreams.

...that sometimes we want something because everybody wants it or have it.(Like that free lunch box from my first dream. It was a lunch box from a cheap fast food chain, it looks cold like it was cooked last night, but everyone wants to have one and I'm one of them). But God sometimes don't give us what we thought we want or need because He wants something much better for us. (Like that restaurant on top of the mountain in my second dream, where the waiter gave me not only what's in the menu but also what I really want to eat, and it is freshly cooked and served. And the ambiance was so peaceful and beautiful... And it is absolutely for free).

...I believe you already got the message of my dreams.

Esarity

The weak hates the brave because the brave reflects the person they are NOT.

The weak hates the brave because they are insecure of what the brave can do and they are so desperately mimicking the courage of the braves but they lack that inner confidence that could blossom into a real act of courage.

And since the weak are weak, all they can do is try to hurt the brave ones. The braves are like a tree full of beautiful fruits, and the weak are those people who are too weak to climb the tree and too dumb to build a ladder to reach the fruits, so all they (the weak people) can do is stone the tree to get the fruits.
The weak people never care if they are hurting others. Because the weak are too weak to make their mark in this world but they are desperate to have one, so they never care if the mark they are leaving is actually a scar.

But brave people are strong... Hence, a lot of weak people hate them because of what they can do, of what they are capable of, of what they can accomplish in spite of the odds.

Insecurities make the weak weaker and wicker and full of hatred.

And brave people grows...
Braver
Stronger
Wiser
And these traits that grow inside them makes them capable of loving, of caring, of compassion.

And the bravest act anyone can do for himself is to FORGIVE.

for those who cannot forgive are the weakest.

VerOlution

"It don't matter to me if your searching brings you back together with me cause there'll always be an empty room, waiting for you, an open heart waiting for you... Time is on my side." - It Don't Matter to Me (by: Bread)


We became what we did not expect to be. The once youth with full of dreams remained dreaming still, after all those years of striving for a better future... But that future has come and we live in it already, only, the word BETTER was gone and we are still dreaming and hoping that maybe that BETTER my still come...That maybe, that BETTER was just stuck in a traffic jam and will catch up soon with our future long been here.

But in the midst of our surviving kind of life... There you are... Older, fatter, wrinkles starting to appear on our faces like the ticking of the clock that we can not stop. Our story has long been gone... Like history... Long been forgotten by our minds and hearts... and though it has been written long ago... And a few people read about it and heard about it... Still beneath our souls lies a sacred truth... How the universe gave up conspiring to both of us. How destiny doubted his capability of molding fate... How tragedy made us capable of smiling now.

Time is never a friend for it steals our youth and dreams... But neither it is an enemy for it turns out... It is a gift.

And we are running out of this gift...

And though we cannot even look at each other eye to eye... I feel you. Like awhile ago when you passed by, I felt your eyes looking at me just before I saw you too.

But I am not hoping...

I am just happy that in a long long while I was able to sing again that song that made me realize that its you.

P.s. A couple of years ago I joined the national competition for song writing and my entry was the song I wrote for you. It is entitled "Sepulchre in your Heart". And though it did not won, it did not even made the first cut... It is still my favorite among all of my hundreds of compositions waiting to be heard. Maybe because it is for you... Maybe because the words are so true... Maybe because my heart was poured in that song long time ago when youth and dreams were colliding.