Opaque And Opacity

In the calmness of the night I imagine conversations with God. And it is frustrating to realize that I search for answers but there was none. Maybe because I’m asking the wrong questions. To become what I became was a long story.



I drink the water for He (Jesus) drunk the wine. For He died for me and so I have to live for Him. Which is easier… to live or to die?





Today I finally woke up

Because your bite stings

And the pain kept me awake

Like a lethal venom that never kills.





Let me cry tonight

For tomorrow I need to be alright

It was the wish I wished I might

Though I’m losing grip, I hope I could still hold on tight.





No one knows my heart

And neither they could read my mind

For the truth is just an opinion we make to believe

Transparency turning blurry then opaque.

Sides of the Circle

The triangle has 3 sides, the square has 4, and the pentagon has 5 and so on… 

 Ever wonder how and why did the circle lose its side? It was a question that popped up in my mind and so I tried my best to answer myself. 

 Here’s my thought… 

 A long time ago the circle has two sides… or maybe we can call it points. 

The circle has two points. 

But these two points can never be together. 

So he cried unto God. God said – “what are you willing to give up so that those points could be together?” 

The circle said – “I am willing to give up my sides, my points, my views my straight line. 

I am willing to be curved even though it is painful to be bent just for these points to be together, to be connected forever.” 

 And God said – “you will lose everything for eternity and eternity will be yours without anything.” 

 The circle then lose its side, the 2 points became connected and it became round. 

 And so, ergo, the legend of the circle. 

 You see, in life, there will come a time that we would be willing to give everything we had, our fame, our career, our life, our own point of views, our pride just to be connected… just to be eternally connected. 

 ‘For what shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world and lose his soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?” Matthew 16:26 (KJV)

The Rose Window

Believing doesn’t make it true…


This is his story.


It doesn’t matter if it is true or not, but the way it will touch you is all that matters. A story of hope and reality… but it is up to you to believe.


A young carpenter in a small town was hired by the parish priest to renovate the old church. There he met a young girl. They always meet at a certain spot in that church. That spot was the old small window at the back of the church. The steel was rusty, the red bricks were turning green because of the moss, it was never really a lovely spot but it was special for the two of them.



They fell in love but it did not last. Soon enough, the young girl died of cancer. The young carpenter’s heart was broken and he did not show up even at the funeral.


For a long time, he was not seen everywhere even at the church. For him, the church was a cursed place.


One night he had a dream. He dreamed that he was there at church window again with her. He asked her to take him with her but the girl replied - “ if you had a passion for chocolates, and so you went to Switzerland and you finally just bought yourself the finest chocolate out there. Will you gobble it as soon as you bought it? Of course NOT! You will wait until you find a nice place, a really lovely place. Maybe you will have some nice music too. And when it is perfect, you will eat it slowly; savor it like it is the last thing you’ll ever eat before you die – right? That is why I can’t take you with me right now; I just can’t give you what you are asking of me right now, because it is not yet your time.”


The young carpenter woke up that day, went to the church, and asked the priest if he could work again there. He asked the priest if he could renovate the old small window at the back of the church. The priest asked him “why?” and so he told the dream.


For almost a year the young carpenter renovated that small window. He carved flowers on it and it became a wonderful masterpiece.


The young carpenter spent the rest of his life carving woods for living and then he died at an old age.


And that window at the back of the church became a tourist spot. It was called “the Rose Window” because of the carvings.


Whether it is a fiction or a fact, I bet he is happy with her now and the fact that their story is being told… I could see traces of smiles on their faces that says – ‘it matters if you believe.”


Believing doesn’t make it true but believing builds a chance to reality.


(This story was based and inspired by a DREAM... my dream)

The White Flag

I am surviving my life… not living it. It is like a continuous saga of countless efforts and so I continuously ask God too… about the “why’s” in my life. The efforts that I continuously do everyday are now becoming a burden greater than my shoulder. My face smiles but my heart is broken because I can’t find answers, answers to my never ending questions to God, to everybody… to myself. I don’t want to cry a tear for this damn situation and so my tears are now welling inside my heart, and now, it is too heavy and my heart can no longer contain these tears. The pursuit of happiness is indeed a fact…. Maybe, even a gospel (in my own view), cause we keep on pursuing happiness in life and that is why we struggle to live, to survive, just for that damn happiness. I am mad at it! I am so angry at it! I wish I could see God, I wish I could hold Him, I wish I could talk to Him and hear Him reply back to me because I am too damn tired and sick writing all my damn thoughts and feelings on this blog. I want God to see my tears cause nobody sees it. I am mad but I don’t know whom I am mad with… maybe I am mad at myself. Maybe because I am spending too much effort in this life or maybe because I am counting all my efforts when it is not right to count it. When we want something, making the efforts to have it must NOT be a burden… it must NOT be counted. Efforts must be done with a happy heart and without expectations. So I am sorry because I’ve been counting all my efforts lately…. Blame my heart because it is now weary and tired doing all the efforts to survive this world, to fight for life, to be strong for life. And forgive my heart for right now it is waving the white flag. My mind is commanding it to stop beating. I guess life is way much peaceful on the other side. I guess I can find God there and see Him face to face. But then again… I guess God doesn’t want to face me yet… cause everyday I wake up and find out that the air still fills my nostrils… I am breathing. My heart still aches so I know I am still alive and there’s nothing much that I can do about it… cause if I can’t face God… then I have to face life. 

Poisons And Tongues

Lagi nating sinasabi na “ mahirap mag salita ng hindi pa tapos” pero ang masaklap at mapait na katotohanan ay pwede naman talaga tayong mag salita dahil wala naman talagang tunay na katapusan. Patuloy na iikot ang mundo, patuloy na meron mamamatay at mabubuhay. Pwede tayong mag salita pero ang totoo, takot lang tayong mag salita dahil takot tayo na baka hindi natin mapanindigan ang ating binitiwang salita. Hindi tayo takot sa salita... takot tayo sa paninindigan. Pero kung tutuusin, kung may lakas tayo ng loob na manindigan... kaya natin mag salita at panindigan ang bawat sinabi natin... at hindi na natin muli sasabihin ang kasabihang - “mahirap mag salita ng hindi pa tapos”.

PrO BoNo

Way back when I was in college, our professor in our thesis class asked us - “if you can change the world, where will you stand?”



A lot of answers were given by my classmates but our professor seemed to be not satisfied.


I got tired of hearing their answers so I raised my hand. Our professor called my name and I answered - “if I could change the world, I will stand at the minds and hearts of the people, I will win their trust first because the world is made of different people and it won't change if I change alone. I have to earn first their trust, and when they finally believe in me, we all could have a common goal of change and so the world will change. A/an technology/idea not applied is useless, and technology/idea could only be applied if people will use it. And people will only use it if they believe and trust in it.”


Silence covered the whole class for a while then suddenly the bell rang for our next class.



Trust is something we always wanted to have but we cannot easily give. It is something that is asking for a proof... but what if there's something that cannot be proven? How can you trust? How can you believe?



So there goes faith. Faith is something more profound, more delicate, a higher form of trust. The highest form of believing.



This is the lesson God wants me learn. To have faith in spite of unbelief and betrayals. To have faith in spite of rational hopelessness. To have faith in spite of unfaithfulness.


The faith that believes that I can do the impossible. The faith that hopes even in the most hopeless situation. The faith that challenges fate until it accepts its defeat.



I've gone too far to return and even farther to quit... but I don't believe he had brought me this far just to leave me.


In God I trust!

Wandering Empty Thoughts

It was a ten hour drive from the city to the county. The passenger's sit was empty and so was my heart. I watched the sun rise at my left and sets at my right as the moon rises at my left. The stars start to appear one by one like a thousand diamonds scattered on a black blanket. It was BEAUTIFUL. The day had moved but I'm still on this long winding one way road driving... driving myself crazy. Crazy. Beautiful. Its dark but I could vividly see the silhouette of the mountains against the glowing gloomy moon.Scenes flash back as my mind wanders where my heart is. I have to rest for a while and I saw this crampled old brown paper bag. I grabbed my pen and wrote these wandering thoughts. It was dark and I'm alone on the road. the passenger's sit was empty and so was my heart




I wrote this on a brown paper bag while I'm on my way out of the city.

Side Of The Circle

This morning, an old familiar song was played on the radio and a line from it made me thinking throughout the day...

"Best things in life are free"... I don't believe it.

Best things in life are NOT free, they have their own prices... worse, they worth more than money.

Money is cheap... it cannot buy you happiness, love, peace, family, not even success.



But these best things in life like happiness, love, family, peace, and success... they have their tagged price... before you could have any of those so called "BEST THINGS" have you ever thought about what you have gone thru before having them? Your sacrifices? Your tears? Your Pains?... now tell me... are they really free? Think about it...


Best things in life are NOT free... they are just too expensive that even money cannot buy them.

NoVeMBeR MiST

Soon I'll be wrapping my year again. And summing it all up... I'm afraid I don't get even a half of what you call fulfillment. The whole year has been a total routine of shattered plans and failed dreams that I routinely hide behind my smiles and laughs everyday.


My life has been walled with protection, but these walls has been destroyed and shattered into ashes many times – countless! And as countless as it has been, countless times I tried my best to rebuild it again and again. But every time I'm just about to start, it is again destroyed, badly tortured and pulverized without mercy. It is like the universe is conspiring and they are taking away everything even the only hope I've got.


I'm tired... and I swear, I could just rest in peace now.


Tell me to hope that the sun could actually shine at night. Tell me to hope that I could really see a rainbow in the dark night sky... but how? When even a shooting star could not make itself fall for me... how could a wish come true?


So I tried my best to look for the lesson lurking behind this scene that I'm in. Perhaps God designed my walls to shatter so that I could fall... so that I could learn the art of falling... because if I don't fall... how could I ever reach the ground where the broken pieces of my walls landed? If I don't fall, I will never reach the ground... how could I possibly pick up those bricks that once used to be the building blocks of my walls? I'm afraid of falling but I'm learning to love it.



Perhaps, God designed my walls to shatter because He wants me to live without protection because God wants me to realize that He is the only protection that I really needed in life. That in life... safety does not mean the absence of danger but the presence of God. I guess I won't be needing those walls anymore.



Perhaps, God designed my walls to shatter because He wants me to learn something so beautiful yet so difficult as well... that is to hope in spite of hopelessness... to hope in spite the fact that even my very own instincts tells me not to. To fight my own will or even God's will though I know I am fighting a matchless fighter. To fight even though I know from the start that I am already doomed. To hope that things might change. To hope... that is.



This is the end of truce...
The birth of oblivion...
The dawn...