FRESHMEN

I remember 5 years ago, I’ve read that infamous quote from our University Paper editor-in-chief that left me with both a struggling cry and inspiration that made me who I am today. He said “No matter how you try to fake it, no matter how you try to hide it, there’s always that something with those freshmen that gives everyone the impression that they are merely freshmen.”



To tell you the truth, that struck me for such a reason that I can not deny… I was once that freshman he was talking about. I’ve tried to fake it, I’ve tried to play it nice and cool like everything around me is just what it used to, like nothing was new and strange… but I knew it even before that everybody knows… I’m merely freshman. Playing it hard enough to keep everything cool but the tension was so hot… heck! Ya know what I mean – right?



But those days are gone now. I earned my degree, passed the National Board exams and now working in my so-called “dream job”. And whenever I see freshmen, those new faces in the face of the giant university here in a spinning city, I couldn’t help but smile with nostalgia as I remember the once was “me” in my lifetime. Their innocence they are trying to hide but in their eyes reflects the truth… they are merely freshmen.



They are always in groups like those bees you could picture in your brains that could never fly alone, like those ants that could never work alone. They play it hard (just like me) to impress the faceless crowd, trying to stand out… but everybody knows… and I know… they are merely freshmen.



So I sigh knowing that those bygone years were just so yesterday. I’ve built dreams and was able to make them tangible enough with my bare hands. I have been to abyss but was able to surmount the dungeon and was able to step again on the pedestal. I’ve learned and gain a lot of things which I thought, once were just meant to be just merely dreams. I know that my time belongs to yesterday now and now it is their time, but their faces, their laughters, their timid stares gives me that feeling that in a way or another I still belong with those freshmen… because I was once was. I was once one of them though in different time. But who knows about the time that could only come and go so swiftly for eternity… infinitely.



The edifice I used to go to worned out and was made new. The uniforms I used to wear I see them now worn by those innocents.



So I once again sigh and smile and wonder how long it has been since yesterday… when I was once a freshman… merely freshman.

The Moment I Knew You Cry:Part 2

I could hardly remember the last time I wrote a prose, a poem, or a song. It was such a bygone since I wrote my last journal either. I'm so much engaged with my work lately that I seldom have the time to reflect about the things that's going on with my life. They call me workaholic in our workplace for spending 16 hours a day at work leaving the other 8 hours just to take a nap and then shower then back to work again. I suddenly feel the dramatic withering of my health right now. Even at my very young age, I'm considering death already. I'm not trying to exaggerate things nor am I trying to scare anybody... it is simply what I feel.


I'm starting to wonder how many people would actually attend my funeral. Will they be too busy to have even just an ample time to drop by on my last touch on earth? But what moves me more than anything else is the fact that, how many lives have I touched here on earth? It was for me the ultimate goal of living. To touch and make a difference to somebody's life like what Jesus did when He walked here on earth. I always say that I have led a wonderful life and I mean it, though. I know that, even though I have made a lot of mistakes, I never once regret any of them because I am who I am right now because of them. But though I have led a wonderful life, I know I'm missing something real. I have never loved yet. No one has ever catch my breath and leave me dancing in trance. I wonder if love is for everybody or just for some lucky individuals out there... then maybe... I'm out of luck. I maybe blessed with so many things in life but that never changed even just a bit of that mere fact.



How do you respond when everything just simply goes your way. Suddenly my dreams are so tangible. Just recently, I was able to purchase my own disc player and just a couple of months ago I just bought my new guitar. Those were merely simple things that I bet not everybody could appreciate such... but I do. I love simple things in life because those are the closest to human being... closest to the soul. But though I could appreciate the simplest thing the world could offer, still I'm in search for something real, something tangible close enough to heaven. I feel like the exact epitome of a heart so scared to be broken, hence, never learned to love, a soul so scared to die, hence, never learned to live. In my dying moment, perhaps, I won't have regrets, and still would say that I have led a wonderful life and I would be happy with my dazzling memories playing all over my nostalgic reveries, but I would be sure of one great thing... I'm missing something simply great.



I could no longer picture myself more than you could picture someone you never knew. It was like a stranger you were looking for in a faceless crowd.



For a moment, I come to that sinking realization that everything is vain.



So my mind once again popped you up again...



"You were always the cold one... but I was never that sure...
In places no one will find all your feelings so deep inside.
Was then that I realize that forever was in your eyes...
I wanted to know you..."



P.S. Just saw the movie Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer just a while ago... and I think everything is feeding me with one lesson... "We can always choose"... you know... just like what Peter Parker said in his own story. And yeah!... another lesson " Never trust someone you knew you can never trust"... don't be silly!



P.P.S. Next Feature: FRESHMEN

What's The Point Of Me Being Here...

when Being Here Is What I Fear.

The Battle Lies Within

It says "The Battle Lies Within". In any way it is true. Most of the time, our greatest foe is our own self. Our pride, our madness. So much to talk about the movie Spiderman 3. Just saw it recently on the big screen and all I could say is that, I never run out of lessons to learn, though. So to start yet another crap... here goes my list... again.



1.) We can always choose.

* In the last scenes of the movie, Spiderman was talking... a sort of a voice over telling the viewers about the lesson he wants to share. That is, we could always choose. To be good or bad, to be right or wrong. Never blame the dilemma or the destiny you're in because you can always choose. And I figured out, after so long... I mean, for so many years my mind was battling about the truth on how we are supposed to stand on our beliefs. Is it all about destiny or choice? And right after watching Spiderman 3, I figured out that life is NOT JUST about destiny NOR choices. IT IS BOTH. We are destined to be in situations we never thought about because we are destined to encounter such situations. It was planned long ago by that Big Guy above that we are about to face such challenges... but we choose how to deal with it, we choose how to react on it, we choose how to handle and solve it. So life is all about (IT IS BOTH) destiny and choices... you'll never know what you gonna get. (Ooops! Forrest Gump?!)


2.) Forgiveness.

* I think, the whole story was actually all about forgiveness. I reckon so. There's that part in the movie when Peter was talking to his aunt, when he told his aunt that the man who killed his uncle is already dead, his aunt was not so happy. And she told Peter that if ever his uncle was still alive today, he never wanted them to live a single moment with revenge in their hearts. Now, I think that is a good one. I figured out long ago, I mean even before... that that thing is really hard to do even to those who we can consider equal opportunity saints. But then again, it is our choice to do the humanly act of revenge or to forgive so as we are forgiven by the Divine. I always believe that to love is but a human but to forgive is divine. Forgiveness... yes, forgive those who had done you wrong and mostly, forgive yourself. It will lighten your burden inside... I reckon so. But it is true... who wants to live their lives full of grudges by the way? So then... forgive.



3.) The battle lies within.

* It is true that when the world is so bad but you remain good, sometimes, it sucks to be the only kind person living. And sometimes, it really feels good to be bad... so the battle lies within. You feel the power and it is good but eventually you will lose yourself. So again, it is your choice, to be bad because it feels good but then you will lose yourself or to remain kind even though the world sucks. (I know this sound a bit ridiculous but come on! we can make this world a better place... heaven is here on earth only if we know how to work for it and appreciate it before our eyes.)


4.) Everybody needs help.

* MJ told that one true thing to Peter... "everybody needs help... sometimes, even Spiderman." Oooh! what a line! Who doesn't need a saviour anyway - right? Come on! save yourself if you can... but I doubt it! Can you save yourself from the fiery of hell because of your sins? Come on! Tell me, who doesn't need a saviour?



5.) Friendship/Trust after betrayal.

* It is a good thing to think that such friends exist, you know, after all that had happened between Peter and Harry, in the end, their friendship still won the battle in spite all the odd times. Again, it is Harry's choice to help the one who he thought killed his father, who won the girl he loved, who was the best and leaving him only the 2nd place in almost every aspect of their lives. He could have joined the villains if he wanted to so that it would be the end of both Peter Parker and Spiderman, but he didn't. He choose to be a good person in spite of self pity and that bitter angst of revenge. He chose to help his friend leaving what lies behind. Harry is indeed a hero... too, not only Spiderman - right?!


That's All Folks!



P.S.
Why do super heroes not raised up by their real parents? I mean Superman was raised by some kind folks and Spidey was raised up by his aunt and uncle. Also, why do they always work in some newspaper prints as photographers? - Just mind boggling!



P.P.S.
Who doesn't want popularity?
Who doesn't want to be famous by the way?
Even Spiderman wants that!



That's all you get from you friendly neighborhood... Odessa Mann! =p

Dreams Are Just Meant To Be Dreams

Life is a S**T and I'm wasting my time without gaining anything.
I'm drowning with this bitter angst again... I hate it but I can't help it.
When will I get over with all these frustrations.
Maybe some dreams are really "just" meant to be for dreaming... never coming true. =(


P.S. I'm still considering the illusion of pursuing medicine course... after all this time... no way can I deny it, though!


Oh! Dream on gurl!
It sucks to stay dreaming!

Learning The Hard Way

Today is actually the last day...

I guess I'm learning... I reckon so.



If that is to compare my previous reactions regarding such the same matters before... now, I can actually handle things better... far better actually.




God has a reason why He kept on bugging me before with such the same situation... it is because, though I have been through so many tests... still, I haven't learned a thing before. But now it is a different thing, though. Finally I'm in progress... I have learned and I'm moving on.



I'm still human capable of being hurt but I won't attach myself too much to the hurting. I'm done with so much poignant and bitter reveries. It is time to finally be numb with the situation and wear a big smile that would tell everyone that I don't care about anything... I don't give a damn.



Anyway, Thank you to the one I thought would be the new Mc Farland.
Thank you also to the other one who I thought will start... but it ended even before it has begun.
To everyone who made my good days much brighter and my shit days atleast bearable.



I won't forget ALL of you!
God Bless!
Ciao!

High (Part 3)

"... These are my journals back in highschool"

Still

Can two walk together unless they are agreed? (Amos 3:3)… I really don’t think so. Two people can never be together unless they agreed to stay together.



Love always matters for two different people for them to be with each other. As two people enter the sacred world of marriage, the thought of having a dream come true sometimes turns out to be a living nightmare and it bamboozles the anatomy of that two individual for their placid relationship becomes a tidal wave. The fairness that they once knew is now on the verge of betting ten thousand to ten.



Well, in so many ways, I do really feel lucky for my parent… I’m probably the luckiest girl on earth… no sarcasm on that.



For so many years of ups and downs and though they flawed in so many ways, still they are together. Ever since I was a kid, never in a chance that my parents drew near on the verge of separation. Of course, though, sometimes, through some unavoidable circumstances they misunderstood each other, but that only made their love stronger, deeper, and sweeter.



Faithfulness is one thing that I admire most with my dad. I have that full confidence to say that my mom is the only woman in my dad’s life. I can’t remember any single time that my dad did something unfaithful with my mom. He is as faithful as no one could imagine and that makes him the best dad for me. And I guess, every woman would have wanted to marry such man. You go dad!



Patience is for my mom. I can’t exactly describe her never ending patience despite the numerous nerve-racking things that is happening around us… she patiently overcomes them all. She is a silent fighter. Yeah, that is the word to describe her.



Yes, this couple made me feel so special for having them. As I look into their eyes, I could see that love still conquers their hearts… after all those years.



I believe that marrying the person you love is the best decision you can make out of love. You know, it is very wonderful to think that when you get old and wrinkles start to appear on your face, when your hair is already grey and it is thinning and you lose a lot whenever you brush your fingers on your almost bare scalp, when people will only look at you and all they could notice is you old age… STILL… there is that one person who will look at you and still see in you how you look like when you were so much younger. And though those lines on your face are much deeper now, you still look pretty in his eyes. That is the art of marriage… (I hope you get the picture).



There’s really no good explanation on what love is all about. We are not even sure if what we used to know is real for no one wrote this book of love that we used to know. There’s no such thing as holding on and letting go because if two people love each other, they will overcome everything together and there should be no single thought of letting go, but if only one is in love and the other is not… what’s the use of holding on when you don’t even know what you’re fighting for, you can’t fight for something you don’t even own… you can fight FOR something when that something is the one you are fighting. I hope you get the picture.



As sun shines and sets each day, another day is over; every minute in this life brings us closer to fate. The way we see things, the way we see people now, they’ll soon never be seen again. There’s no such thing as two chance at the same river. But still, there’s one thing that matters forever and a day and more and that is STILL…

The Story Behind The Tale Of Robert In Mt. Ternff Park

Last night was a sort of a reunion and at the same time a goodbye.

I finally let go of my most precious "things" but that don't mean I feel bad about it for the mere fact that it was actually a promise back six years ago. Last night, it was fulfilled... I kept my promise. And for the fact that I actually gave it to one of my most trusted friend... I know she will take good care of it because she knows how much those things means to me. It was like my life since highschool and giving it to her was like giving a piece of my entire life to her as well.

But no turning back... I know better things will come ahead.

P.S. Nothing much has changed... we are still that same old good and silly friends. I know you (U5&S8) will always be my best buddies in the world. Thank you for the friendship I know will last for eternity.

God bless You All!!!

The Jaguar Paw

Saw the movie “Apocalypto” just last night, and though it was an extremely brutal and annoying movie, still, I have my two thumbs up for Mel Gibson for such a work of art.



Well, apart from the fact that it was indeed a great movie – that is to my reckoning, though. I’ve learned a lot of good lessons from that movie. Well some of those lessons I’m talking about are just mere lessons I made on my own, which perhaps you will find it silly, but then again, it is my post – that is to sound – mind your own business!... haha!



So here’s my list of some of the lessons I’ve learned from the movie “Apocalypto” (Notice the word I carefully added – “some”, that is because there are still a lot of lessons to learn from that movie but in a way or another, I was not able to notice by myself).



1. Adrenalin is faster than fear.
· I noticed that, though “He” – the main actor (don’t ask me for the name, I don’t remember it already) was badly wounded but still he got the strength to run away from his enemies… because of fear… and because of the fact that it is important for him to survive that battle.
2. Fear is a kind of disease, a sickness that once you acquire; it will eat you up from within.
3. Man is an empty hole… he will never be full.
4. Fathers should always be the rock of the family to stand.
5. Fathers should never let their sons see them weak… even in the face of death… because sons will live their manhood the way they saw it through their fathers.
6. The bravest people on earth are not those people who are not afraid to die but those who never shed a tear even in the face of a dying loved one… which is far harder and painful that the death itself.
7. Never let a tear fall from your eyes in front of your enemies… you’re giving them your pride and blessing them with happiness.
8. Keep your promise.
9. God is always good even to those who do not believe in Him.
· This last one in my list is my favorite. If you will notice from that movie, those people were a bunch of pagans, they do not believe in God – I mean God, the real God and not those gods like Kukulkan or whatever names they have! Even the main actor does not believe in the “Real” God either, but notice the twist of fate in his life. He was so blessed that in the midst of death he survived. That made me realize that my last statement in my list is indeed true.




Anyway… enough of my crap for now…


P.S. Can I talk about the weather?... Oh! Why I bet there’s not a single cloud in the whole sky today. But it is cozy out there.


Ciao!