Reality Check

Just saw “Blood Diamond” lately and it was a good movie plus to owe the fact that it was a freebie… any better than that? Huh!

Very moving, actually. I end up feeling sorry and at the same time angry with what is happening in our world.


Did God really left this place a long time ago? After all that we’ve done, could He still forgive us?... is Danny Archer right? Oh! well, so much pondering, though.


So much to ponder about that movie. I end up frustrated.


Anyway, last wednesday was my first formal meeting with the consultants and it was damn right eerie to talk without anything to say, actually… so I end up screwing my lines… hahaha!!! But it was alright. I don’t give a damn. Anyway it ended up good... if that is to count the foods on top of the tables after. Hahaha!!!



After the tiring weeks of non-stop work and after-work rehearsals, finally, the show was over and we’ve done a great job bagging the grand prize and applause from the viewers. But again, I mess up during the real act… but it was okay because the show went on just right… and it wouldn’t matter if some would actually criticize us because we understand that that is an act of insecurity… duh! Hahaha!!!


Lastly, I’m hoping to finish all my requirements for my job. I need to break it before the deadline. God help me!!!



So here I am, twisting my hair… a song playing in my head that goes…

I've seen this place a thousand times

I've felt this all before...

I know this face I'm wearing now

I've seen this in my eyes...And though it feels so great, I'm still afraid

I've caught myself smiling alone... blah! blah! blah!


Its time for reality check, though!

Distant Horizons

If everything else falls apart...
Land with me.

Favorite Mistake

It only took one wrong move to make the dominoes fall and landed to where they are right now. I wanted to close my eyes as one piece to another started to move, unbreakable chain of reaction happened right before my very eyes. I was juggling all along and, yes, it took just one, one wrong move to let all the pieces fall apart.



I don't have anyone to blame but myself because I created my own mess and it seemed to be too complicated to be real... but then it is REAL!



I'm not sure how it all started but I guess, there's something in the way I move that led others to start having suspicions and it eventually grew... that is the one thing I did not anticipated to happen and worse... that is one thing I was not able to notice, not until it is too great now to control and worse, it had gone too far to go back.



And so the tale of another two worlds starts with a twist of fate. A story not everybody, I reckon, will understand. Two worlds against time and critics, worse, two worlds against their own world. Trying to lurk the real from within because they both knew the consequence. Trying to act as comfortable as they could but they both know there is something going on and only the two of them could understand that.



They flinch back against each other because time ain't that forgiving. They don't want to step forward because they are both scared that it won't be real... eventually.
So as two worlds revolve, let the falling pieces land where they should be.




P.S.
"When I see how my path seem to end up before your face... it is written in the stars." - Damn! am I suppose to believe that there really is what you call "destiny"? Heck! I'm not a fool!... but maybe I really am.




P.P.S.
This song inspired me today.I'm too damn busy these days with my own struggles in life. Yes, my days are full yet I end up empty.

"People need the Lord... At the end of the broken dreams, He is the open door."



P.P.P.S.
I'm missing the "Versions"... too bad!... worse?... I'm getting used living without it. ='(


A Blessed Week Ahead!

Fate In My Palms

Someone else’s destiny was shaped by my own palms and it is damn eerie to think that I did it.



It is one thing to be the one transforming someone else’s destiny and another thing to think that when everything falls apart, you are the one to blame.



I want to convince myself that I did the right thing, but in a way or another, at the back frame of my mind, it tells me that somehow I’m playing someone else’s fate and it is not quite a funny thought to realize such.



But on the other hand, it is such a heck to be in this kind of situation when in the first place, I’m not even in control with my own fate in life.



Heck! – Right?!



P.S.
How can I fall when you just won’t give me reasons at all… (Version XXOVII)



P.P.S.
Happy Hiring To Me!!! Yey!


Special Thanks to:
Johanna Lara (my first patient)
Catalina C. Hermosura (my first signature)


God Bless Us All!!!
Ciao!!!

Mc Farland Syndrome

I spilled a glass of milk but I did not cry. Its because its not actually mine, but I grieve silently, privately knowing that that milk belongs to that person I would like to think, somehow special, but I guess he really is not special to my own volition, I reckon so, if that is based in mind matters.



But what is the point? It is simply grieving for the lost of others even if they don’t care for you, or worse, they don’t even know you at all. And what is worse than being invisible and at the same time insensible?... or in short… you don’t exist at all.



I’m trying to replace the missing piece but…nothing fits.



What the heck I should do when it is you the Mc Farland?

Smashing Pumpkins

I’m not sure if I’m living my life the way I should live it.



It’s damn eerie to feel this way. It is hard to leave but harder to be left out. It is hard to think but harder to realize that somehow, another bygone year will pass you by with so much to live for but nonetheless without a single reason for it.



It makes perfect sense to think that none of these make sense at all.



It is hard to wait but harder to anticipate.



And so poignancy strikes back again yet life must go on.



Let me tell you a story about “it” and the “other” it.



Both have their own little way of similarities with each other. They have the same kind of windows that open wide yet black curtains hide what is within.



Both have the same color, the same width and perhaps even height.



Both play the same kind of game, though the “other” it strikes better to my reckoning, but that is because I haven’t seen the “it” playing it yet.



The “other” it looks better in regards to other’s reckoning and somehow, I agree. But there’s something about “it” that makes me flinch back against the wall and stay just in between both of them.



They play hard but I play harder since this game isn’t just that kind of game were someone wins and the other lose. It is a survival of the fittest and the weaker ones become the prey of the ultimate survivor.



But nonetheless I have to admit that in a way or the other, I am the weakest link, though.



If I could I would just hide away and live my life in the simplest way it could be. But then again, if I did that it would be the most haunted days of my life and if I live yet another year or years that would be the same as living in hell for eternity.



There’s something about that game that kept me playing it over and over. It is one thing to play the game, another thing with whom you play it, and another thing on why you play it. Nonetheless, all the smiles are actually twined with that feeling of hollowness inside your soul begging for something that could fill in the empty spaces.



They say it is hard to live in a world so small that you can no longer move enough.


But I say it is harder to live in a huge world, so huge that eventually you’ll realize you’ve lost yourself. Worse, you’ve lost it in your own world.



Anyway, if losing myself means finding “why-owe-you”… it worth it, though…
That is to my reckoning.


By the way… I’m missing both.


Ciao!!!

The Chosen... First

It was a tiring week. So much for my hectic schedule. I go to work early but then still, I have to reserve extra energy for my dance rehearsals every after work. So I end up going home very very late but that did not change my early-waking routine every morning. But it worth it… hmmm… I believe so. Anyway, I really cannot help myself to believe that it was “_____”. I just cannot force myself to realize that finally I gave it away to someone not even in my wildest imagination I reckon I could give to… okay… I’m just overly reacting, to think that it was just actually a half … or even practically really nothing, though. But my point is that, I wanted to give it to someone as a whole but now, I don’t think I could anymore, as a matter-of-factly. Sad… but fun… hahaha!!! (Kidding!). Will someone give me a good reason why I was chosen? Because it is something I could hardly let it sink into my mind. But then again, let’s be friends, though! Ciao! 

RaiNy DaYs AnD MoNdAy

It was a rainy manic monday. The December wind started to blow and just as I thought it will get worse... unfortunately I was right. The sun did not shine this morning and the rain soak me on my way to work.





Since it was monday, as what I anticipated, the day was a little bit boring and gloomy... because interns are not around every monday. It is actually a sort of their day-off. So I looked forward to the end of the day knowing that I still have an appointment after work.





I stayed a little bit late at work... (though I am not payed for that over time) because someone has to fetch me so that we could actually work again on some other stuffs for the up coming Christmas party. But then again, the meeting was cancelled and so I have to go home tired and disappointed with all these stuffs I tried to work out with the whole day.




But then, it was somehow a "great" day because we were not toxic at the laboratory and I was pretty much in a good standing with my bosses. So I call it a DAY!

Last Dance With Courage

It has been a good year but then, I’ve got a funny feeling that the sweet beginning might just turn out to be sour… I just hope not, though.


This is my last dance with courage for this year – facing my critics.


Some say my critics are mad at me because their insecurities sprout within them that bright green color of jealousy. But I think it was my fault, though. But then again, I need to be understood.


Everything matures… eventually. Why can’t they just wait for me? Isn’t it that older people are wiser? And since they are wiser, they should understand the nature of the young ones. But then again, maybe… just maybe, the world has changed, and now, it is the young ones who try to understand the older and wiser… now who is wiser?


I know I’ve got a long way still, and you know that too, that is why I expect you to understand that I’m still in that critical stage of metamorphosis. Why can’t you wait for my transformation… everything matures… eventually.


It is their insecurities that made them fear me. They see their own reflection in me and they fear that one day I will replace their throne in the hearts of the “others”. They fear their own ghost when in the first place they created their own ghost, their own monster. Now they fear their own reflection, their own monster, their own ghost. But then again, it is me who try to secure them of who they are.


I tried to please everybody and I end up wounded. Maybe because it was my own volition to please them and in a way or another, it was not my intention to please God when in the first place, it should be my priority.


But then again, in a way or another, it is my intention to please God somehow. But maybe He got a plan which I can’t figure out yet. Maybe sometimes in our lives, we are not meant to understand the will of God and all we could actually do is trust Him knowing that He knows what lies beyond the bend of the road.


Try to please everybody and I tell you, they will not be pleased. They will just hate you for being too nice, not that they hate nice things but because they actually feel guilty because of you. Soon they will throw all those spitballs at your back or even right off bat before your eyeballs.


Sometimes people are just too hostile even when you reach out to them with a very warm shoulder.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded. Period.
But then again, do the right thing, though. Even if it means being a little bit lower than who you are supposed to be.


I’m losing this battle. I’m losing my everything. And it is a sure defeat. And the only way to win is to twist my fate. But the power is not mine.


And it is my prayer that God will twist my fate with His own fingers.


All these time I’ve been dreaming. But I realize it wasn’t a fairy tale I was dreaming about. Not a happily ever after but a reality tangible enough by my own hands. It is the reality I’m dreaming of for so long, sensible enough to my soul.


The truth amidst all the lies that bound me. Fairy tale is a lie. And I can’t live my whole life in a fairy tale world too nice to see but full of lies. I’d rather be bitten by reality if it means the truth, though.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded.


Everything matures… eventually.

This is my last dance with courage… for this year – facing my critics.