Smashing Pumpkins

I’m not sure if I’m living my life the way I should live it.



It’s damn eerie to feel this way. It is hard to leave but harder to be left out. It is hard to think but harder to realize that somehow, another bygone year will pass you by with so much to live for but nonetheless without a single reason for it.



It makes perfect sense to think that none of these make sense at all.



It is hard to wait but harder to anticipate.



And so poignancy strikes back again yet life must go on.



Let me tell you a story about “it” and the “other” it.



Both have their own little way of similarities with each other. They have the same kind of windows that open wide yet black curtains hide what is within.



Both have the same color, the same width and perhaps even height.



Both play the same kind of game, though the “other” it strikes better to my reckoning, but that is because I haven’t seen the “it” playing it yet.



The “other” it looks better in regards to other’s reckoning and somehow, I agree. But there’s something about “it” that makes me flinch back against the wall and stay just in between both of them.



They play hard but I play harder since this game isn’t just that kind of game were someone wins and the other lose. It is a survival of the fittest and the weaker ones become the prey of the ultimate survivor.



But nonetheless I have to admit that in a way or the other, I am the weakest link, though.



If I could I would just hide away and live my life in the simplest way it could be. But then again, if I did that it would be the most haunted days of my life and if I live yet another year or years that would be the same as living in hell for eternity.



There’s something about that game that kept me playing it over and over. It is one thing to play the game, another thing with whom you play it, and another thing on why you play it. Nonetheless, all the smiles are actually twined with that feeling of hollowness inside your soul begging for something that could fill in the empty spaces.



They say it is hard to live in a world so small that you can no longer move enough.


But I say it is harder to live in a huge world, so huge that eventually you’ll realize you’ve lost yourself. Worse, you’ve lost it in your own world.



Anyway, if losing myself means finding “why-owe-you”… it worth it, though…
That is to my reckoning.


By the way… I’m missing both.


Ciao!!!

The Chosen... First

It was a tiring week. So much for my hectic schedule. I go to work early but then still, I have to reserve extra energy for my dance rehearsals every after work. So I end up going home very very late but that did not change my early-waking routine every morning. But it worth it… hmmm… I believe so. Anyway, I really cannot help myself to believe that it was “_____”. I just cannot force myself to realize that finally I gave it away to someone not even in my wildest imagination I reckon I could give to… okay… I’m just overly reacting, to think that it was just actually a half … or even practically really nothing, though. But my point is that, I wanted to give it to someone as a whole but now, I don’t think I could anymore, as a matter-of-factly. Sad… but fun… hahaha!!! (Kidding!). Will someone give me a good reason why I was chosen? Because it is something I could hardly let it sink into my mind. But then again, let’s be friends, though! Ciao! 

RaiNy DaYs AnD MoNdAy

It was a rainy manic monday. The December wind started to blow and just as I thought it will get worse... unfortunately I was right. The sun did not shine this morning and the rain soak me on my way to work.





Since it was monday, as what I anticipated, the day was a little bit boring and gloomy... because interns are not around every monday. It is actually a sort of their day-off. So I looked forward to the end of the day knowing that I still have an appointment after work.





I stayed a little bit late at work... (though I am not payed for that over time) because someone has to fetch me so that we could actually work again on some other stuffs for the up coming Christmas party. But then again, the meeting was cancelled and so I have to go home tired and disappointed with all these stuffs I tried to work out with the whole day.




But then, it was somehow a "great" day because we were not toxic at the laboratory and I was pretty much in a good standing with my bosses. So I call it a DAY!

Last Dance With Courage

It has been a good year but then, I’ve got a funny feeling that the sweet beginning might just turn out to be sour… I just hope not, though.


This is my last dance with courage for this year – facing my critics.


Some say my critics are mad at me because their insecurities sprout within them that bright green color of jealousy. But I think it was my fault, though. But then again, I need to be understood.


Everything matures… eventually. Why can’t they just wait for me? Isn’t it that older people are wiser? And since they are wiser, they should understand the nature of the young ones. But then again, maybe… just maybe, the world has changed, and now, it is the young ones who try to understand the older and wiser… now who is wiser?


I know I’ve got a long way still, and you know that too, that is why I expect you to understand that I’m still in that critical stage of metamorphosis. Why can’t you wait for my transformation… everything matures… eventually.


It is their insecurities that made them fear me. They see their own reflection in me and they fear that one day I will replace their throne in the hearts of the “others”. They fear their own ghost when in the first place they created their own ghost, their own monster. Now they fear their own reflection, their own monster, their own ghost. But then again, it is me who try to secure them of who they are.


I tried to please everybody and I end up wounded. Maybe because it was my own volition to please them and in a way or another, it was not my intention to please God when in the first place, it should be my priority.


But then again, in a way or another, it is my intention to please God somehow. But maybe He got a plan which I can’t figure out yet. Maybe sometimes in our lives, we are not meant to understand the will of God and all we could actually do is trust Him knowing that He knows what lies beyond the bend of the road.


Try to please everybody and I tell you, they will not be pleased. They will just hate you for being too nice, not that they hate nice things but because they actually feel guilty because of you. Soon they will throw all those spitballs at your back or even right off bat before your eyeballs.


Sometimes people are just too hostile even when you reach out to them with a very warm shoulder.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded. Period.
But then again, do the right thing, though. Even if it means being a little bit lower than who you are supposed to be.


I’m losing this battle. I’m losing my everything. And it is a sure defeat. And the only way to win is to twist my fate. But the power is not mine.


And it is my prayer that God will twist my fate with His own fingers.


All these time I’ve been dreaming. But I realize it wasn’t a fairy tale I was dreaming about. Not a happily ever after but a reality tangible enough by my own hands. It is the reality I’m dreaming of for so long, sensible enough to my soul.


The truth amidst all the lies that bound me. Fairy tale is a lie. And I can’t live my whole life in a fairy tale world too nice to see but full of lies. I’d rather be bitten by reality if it means the truth, though.


Try to please everybody and you’ll end up wounded.


Everything matures… eventually.

This is my last dance with courage… for this year – facing my critics.

FORCED VOLITION

I stare blankly at my computer screen and all I could do is wonder how I’d ever fallen into such labyrinth of chaotic emotions drowning me to the waves of impeccable reality. I think about it over and over again trying to get in the bottom of it all. Was it part of the Lord’s plan or was it something of my own volition? I let it sink in my mind for a moment but it seems like the most ethereal feeling I’ve ever had. It started with denial to sadness to hopelessness to anger, then back again. I’m reaching for something, for anything… I’m confused and scared at the same time. Nothing seems to make sense as fate unfolds the reasons that makes perfect sense on why things happen naturally.

I stare blankly at my computer screen and all I could ever do is wonder how.

Ms. John Tucker

Well perhaps it is true that once a habit will always be a habit, that a born John Tucker will always be a John Tucker – if you know what I mean. Perhaps people will always be the same, the same old fools that could easily be fooled and will always have a piece of dirty clay within them. I could hardly imagine a better change for humans than the way I could picture a cow jumping over the moon.


I’m nothing against her… this is just the truth, though.


She is the kind of a lady every girl wished to become. No one could actually hate her except for the bitter ache that the venom of envy could do. Insecurity is the only reason to hate her. Every guy would take a second look on her once she passes by. I hope you get the picture. She is just simply perfect!


She is like nectar that attracts all the bees. But sad to say, I am NOT a bee. I know from the start even before she became a friend of mine (we are still friends, though) that her nectar is a sweet poison that could sting anyone who dares to sip. I knew it. As what I’ve said before – I can see the black out of whites, the white out of blacks and the gray in between.


Vanity of vanities, all is vanity! But what is vanity? I would definitely be one on the lead protesting about the world’s greatest lie – the meaning of vanity.


O! Beauty that a Mac can make… they call it vanity, but it isn’t. I would definitely say that those ladies who wear their make-ups everyday and dress in a very fashionable way are the truest essence of “HONESTY”. I mean “HONESTY” – because they do NOT pretend to be simple knowing that being simple is the hardest thing we could ever become. It is true, though. They know to their selves that they are imperfect and they admit that they need all those stuffs for confidence sake. It isn’t vanity but rather honesty to wear the colors of Mac. I appreciate those ladies who wear the truest essence of being humble – of letting other people know how imperfect they are without these colorful masks.


On the other hand, hypocrites, I would say, could be so deceiving. They would go out without a tinge of red patch on their faces, no trace or sketch of make-ups… whoa! How simple – right?! But ladies are masters of crafts that could bewitch men. Ladies know that simplicity could turn a man around and say – “O! She is definitely a “woman-to-marry” type of a lady.” But behind that hypocritical simplicity lies a lurking filthy flirtatious character that wants all the bees to sip into her nectar and eventually die for her stinging spell. I would say that those ladies who try to be simple are hypocrites to the bone – they are the certified flirts who know exactly all the strategies on how to throw a curve ball right between the eyes of men.


Now, who wears the mask of vanity? Who is the liar?


I pity those men who fell from the stingy curse of her charm. But more than my pity for those men, I pity her more because her attitude is a poison within her being. It is like a lurking guilt but she seems to be too numb to be convicted by her conscience.


“O! Vanity of vanities… all is vanity!”


I pray for the pride beneath the beauty so amazing to behold but too bitter to taste.

Shower Of Blessings

This year is actually jam-packed with so many events that dramatically changed my life. It is just worthy to give thanks to the Big Man. And though there were also disappointments I went through this year, I look at the road beyond the bend.


Many are those granted desires which are now long been forgotten by my frame of mind but the gratitude still lives within. So I’ll just wrap it up with my top 10 list of most memorable events this year, though there are still so much more than I could actually think and remember.


10.) The new life in our family – my cuddly baby nephew was born last June and it just turns me on of being called “aunt” since it sounds like “old”, I mean being “old” cause it just turns me on to think of being old since I was always the baby since I knew I exists. But I’m still a baby brat until now, though! =)


9.) Good friends, old friends, long lost friends, and new friends – I’ve gained a lot of new friends this year and I’m thankful for that. But greater is my gratitude for my good old friends and those long lost friends I’ve lost my contacts with but eventually fate brought them back. I’m glad they stayed and I know they will forever be.


8.) The local publication – it was actually a half-dream come true because after my thorough struggle with my lack of confidence regarding my articles and compositions, I was able to take one bold step and finally was able to gain enough courage to pass it to our local publication and was able to get published. Thanks for the space provided for my stuffs.


7.) The yearbook – I took for granted my review sessions before just to rush the legacy of our batch – our yearbook. Though everybody seemed to be against us (me and my co-editors) and they were giving us a hard time processing the edition, we made it through the deadline, though. What can I say… we are a bunch of good, creative and talented editors (hahaha!!!). I’m glad we broke the record of being the fastest working committee our school has ever had. And the outcome was undeniably amazing to behold.


6.) On the spotlight – I was able to stand and talk in front of a crowd looking strangely before me. Though stage-fright is NOT really a part of my system (hahaha!!!) since I was a former member of Theatre Guild and “stage-confidence” is actually a sort of my "talent” – hahaha!!! It is still a wonderful feeling to have another chance to be on the spotlight once again after a long break.


5.) Revalida – I passed our revalida “out-rightly”. Nicanorian-Tamaraws know what I mean.


4.) Graduation – finally, I am an alumna of FEU-NRMF Institute of Medicine.


3.) Registered Medical Technologist – I passed the Medical Technology board examinations with only a little effort from me and mostly by the faithfulness, power, love and grace of God – To Him be the glory!


2.) Job well done! – I was able to find a “somehow” good job even before our oath taking. I’m hoping and praying for my “regularity”, though.


1.) I’m thankful for the most incredible journey anyone could ever wish or dreamth of – my life. I’m thankful for the chance to witness the beauty of the day and the stillness of the night. The morning sunrise that is so breath-taking and the evening sunset that is so amazing to behold. The serenity of the moon while the stars dance at night and the music of the pouring rain that goes well with the cold crisp breeze of the wind sweetly caressing the skin.

I’m thankful I’m in good vibe with God.
I’m thankful because I have a wonderful loving God.

Yes, though my need is great, my gratitude is greater.


Belated Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Dare To Be Daniel

I’m feeling awful this time because someone else’s life was ruined because of my terrible visions. Though it wasn’t exactly my fault for the mere fact that I did not do anything bad towards that man, I still feel a bit guilty for having such terrible visions for almost quite sometime, and later did I’ve come to know that his father was confined in the hospital… and that was exactly what I visualized even before it actually happened.


I’m feeling guilty, though, for the mere fact that it was my own volition to actually create that vision in my frame of mind not anticipating that it will actually come true. My visions of his father and the like was so vivid and I feel so guilty for even letting my mind fed me up with such animated castles in the air that eventually turned into vivid reality. I feel guilty for even letting that sink into my mind in the first place.


No! – I’m not saying that I have some kind of supernatural powers or third or fourth eye or something similar with the like. It is just that most of the time I dream or visualize something or even people stranger to me, and later will I come to encounter them and learn that what I’ve seen in my mind actually happened. It is eerie, though.


Of course it frightens me sometimes. It is uncanny not to. But as what Spiderman said – “This is my gift and the same is my curse”.


I pray everything will be alright, though.


Have a blessed week ahead!

Ciao!!!

The Great Vanity

Maybe it really is just too good to be true.
Maybe it is just a mere state of blinding hue.
I'm done with all those euphoric illusions.
Darn emotions waving poignant visions.
I'm done with all those castles in the air.
Bitter potion blend with perfume fair.
Ice cream cones made of cold tasteless ice.
Freezing death is the prize.
O! life... what would death be if thou without?
Vanity maybe it is all about.